Why are you so reluctant to let anyone be bi? You have all these people writing to you saying they’re straight but like members of their own sex, but you never say, “Hey, maybe you’re bi.” You’re awfully quick to either affirm their self-image (Wanna Be a Cocksucker in last week’s column) or contradict them (Mostly Straight Boy in the same column). Why not suggest a middle ground? Why perpetuate the myth that bisexuals do not really exist?
–Jim in Memphis
I’m all for people identifying as bisexual if that sexual identity works for them. The problem with the bisexual identity is that it doesn’t work very well for very many people.
I’ll take this slow so JIM can follow along: Sexual orientation may not be a choice, but sexual identity is. The more closely a person’s professed sexual identity reflects his behavior, and the more closely his behavior reflects his desires, the less fucked-up and conflicted a person he’s likely to be. So if a guy is attracted to men and women equally, and he sleeps with both men and women, and he falls in love with men and women, he should identify as bisexual, since the bisexual label most accurately describes who he is and what his partners can expect from him.
If a guy’s sexual and emotional desires are overwhelmingly hetero, on the other hand, but he likes to suck cock once in a great while, then identifying as bisexual is rather misleading. A guy who’s exclusively into women emotionally and 95 percent into women sexually probably shouldn’t tell anyone he’s bi. Better he should round himself up to 100 percent hetero in casual conversations and tell people he’s straight–not because it’s convenient or safer in the closet, or because Dan Savage doesn’t think bisexuals exist. (Believe me, they do, and I’m going to hear from them this week.) No, he should tell people he’s straight because straight most accurately describes who he is. See how that works?
Your most recent column is the first I’ve heard about straight guys wanting to get blow jobs from other guys. As a straight man, I can’t say that I’ve ever fantasized about getting my cock sucked by another guy. I have to question if there are really as many gay-curious straight men as you suggest. I don’t doubt that you get a lot of mail from straight guys curious about a homosexual encounter. But I think your sample may be a little skewed. Speaking as a straight male, I don’t want a guy to suck my cock, and it strikes me as odd that I’d be in the minority with my “no man-on-man cocksucking, please” stance as a straight man.
Anyway, love the column. –Insert Clever Descriptive Pseudonym Here
The straight guys whose letters you object to, ICDPH, weren’t looking for some guy to suck their cocks. Quite the contrary: they wanted to suck cock themselves. Most straight men who wanna have a homosexual experience wanna suck dick and get fucked, probably because those acts violate every straight man’s it’s-an-exit-not-an-entry, silly-faggot-dicks-are-for-chicks, and no-way-dude taboos–and violating taboos, as any Catholic priest can tell you, is hot, hot, hot.
As for your other concerns, Wanna Be a Cocksucker and other straight-identified guys who fantasize about sucking cock represent a small minority of straight men, and nothing I’ve ever written could be interpreted as implying otherwise. I do get a lot of mail from straight guys who wanna suck cock, as I said in my column, but I recognize that my sample is skewed. Straight guys curious about sucking cock are likelier to write to me than they are to Dear “Call the Cops” Abby. A permissive gay male advice columnist is a better bet for sympathetic cocksucking advice and/or the Web site addresses of hot male escorts. (Here are a few: www.davidinseattle.com, www.dannyjock.com, www.bitesizedblond.com.) But while my sample is skewed, I don’t think the phenomenon of straight male wanna-be cocksuckers is as rare as you and other insecure straight men would like to believe.
According to the authors of Sex in America, a book based on a groundbreaking sex study conducted by the University of Chicago in the early 1990s, while just 2.8 percent of American men identified as gay, almost 10 percent of men have had a homosexual experience after puberty. That means almost 7 percent of the “straight” men in America may have sucked a little cock–and that was back in 1992, before heteroflexibility came into vogue. By no means are cocksucking straight guys the majority, ICDPH, but there would appear to be millions of straight male cocksuckers out there–and not just wanna-bes, mind you, but have-dones.
Do you have any idea what it is about cocksucking that seems appealing to so many otherwise “straight” guys? –Help Us, My Mentor, Explain Random Solicitudes
Heterosexual men become aroused when researchers show them films of other men’s hard cocks, HUMMERS, which explains why there’s so much cock in porn produced for straight men. It stands to reason that a small number of cock-obsessed straight men might let their obsessions get the better of them and take a walk on the wild side.
Some advice for Wanna Be a Cocksucker from a straight guy who was once in his shoes:
1) Do it. You’ve probably been told all your life that sucking someone’s dick makes you gay and that being gay is bad. Ignore this and do it anyway.
2) Do it safely. Trust me: crabs suck, and they’re the least of your worries. And don’t do it behind a significant other’s back. That’s neither safe nor fair.
3) Can’t find a partner? The Internet is a bi-curious guy’s best friend. On-line you’re almost guaranteed to meet someone you wouldn’t normally come into contact with, so discretion becomes a lot easier. Once you do, make sure to follow rule number two.
–Sucked a Few Cocks and Lived to Tell About It
Glad to hear there are so many guys like me out there–essentially straight men who like to suck cock. My solution to the safe vs. discreet dilemma was to find married guys like myself who are looking for the same thing. WBAC should find a man who likes to get off with a guy a couple times a year and make him his cocksucking buddy. –Happily Married Cocksucker
Thanks for sharing, HMC & SAFCALTTAI.
I have been totally confused about where my love life is going. I consider myself to be gay, but just two weeks ago I met a girl and it was love at first sight. I have been putting off asking her out on a “date” because I don’t want to hurt her to satisfy my curiosity about heterosexual sex. I’m deeply confused about this. What should I do? –Gay and Confused
Hey, maybe you’re bi. If so, buy yourself some Peruvian drawstring pants, a beret, and a Guatemalan handbag. Once you’re bisexually attired, sit down and write an angry letter to any snarky gay advice columnist who dares to perpetuate the myth of bisexual fashion disasters. Once that’s done, tell this girl you wanna fuck her. Share your inner conflict with her (women dig that inner-conflict shit) and see what she says. If she says yes, fuck her; if she says no, go find some nice boy to fuck until you feel like your old faggot-assed self again.
Next week in Savage Love: Letters from red-blooded American straight boys who wanna fuck women, eat pussy, drink beer, and watch girl-on-girl porn.