I’m a 19-year-old guy with a big problem. I have an 18-year-old sister who is very nice and very good-looking. We have been in love for two years. Our parents do not know. My problem is that she might be pregnant. If she is, we want to get married. Do we hide this from our parents? How will our parents react to this news? –PLEASE HELP!

First, help: Call 888-307-9275 and the nice folks at Planned Parenthood will direct you and your sister to an abortion provider in your area.

Second, advice: As we’ve recently discussed in Savage Love, some sex play between pre- and recently postpubescent siblings may be normal and healthy, and some genetic researchers recently signed off on first cousins making babies. But brothers and sisters? Falling in love? Making babies? I’m sorry, PH, but that’s just fucked up. So here’s what you need to do: Get that abortion, break up with your sister, and move the fuck out of your parents’ house. Maybe once you get away from your sister you’ll be able to form an intimate sexual connection with someone to whom you’re not so closely related. Do you have any very nice, very good-looking cousins? As for your parents, I can’t imagine they’ll take the news any better than I did (I certainly hope not), so why don’t you spare them the details as well as the three-legged grandchildren?

My sister dated a guy for one month in high school and it didn’t work out. Four years later, I met up with the guy (not knowing my sister had dated him) and started a relationship. Long story short, I dated the guy for four and a half years before we broke up. The breakup was my idea, but he agreed it was for the best. My sister now has a very close friendship with this individual. They hang out, talk on the phone, go on trips. This really upsets me. A million guys in the world and my sister has to be best buddies with my ex-fiance? Am I being a psycho-bitch here? –LG

Grow the fuck up, LG. Your sister liked this guy well enough to date him for a month in high school; you liked him well enough to date him for four and a half years. He must have some redeeming qualities. Instead of berating your sister for befriending your ex–and, excuse me, but wasn’t he her ex first?–you should emulate your sister’s ability to be friends with exes. It’s a sign of maturity and the ultimate proof that you’re no psycho-bitch.

I went to my good friend’s house on the Fourth of July. This holiday was a little different because his younger sister and mom were in town from Nashville. When I got to his house I immediately noticed his sister was extremely hot and as the day went on found out she was also very funny and smart. It seemed to me that he was being the stereotypical big brother and didn’t let the two of us leave his sight. She’s back in Nashville now, and I’d really like to stay in contact with her, but I have no way to do that because I was afraid to ask for her number because my friend was always right there. I’d like to ask my friend for her E-mail or phone number but I’m not quite sure how he will take it. What do you think? –Stuck in the Middle

What if you had managed to get this woman’s phone number on July 4? If you got lucky and the two of you wound up dating, her protective older brother would inevitably find out. If he found out on his own, he’d be angry that you were hiding this relationship from him.

So tell your friend that you’d like to get to know his sister better. If he doesn’t want to put you in touch with her, ask him why. Perhaps he thinks you’re wrong for his sister for some reason; maybe you’re an asshole, he can barely tolerate you, and only pretends to be friends with you out of pity. Or maybe he thinks his sister is wrong for you; maybe she’s a psycho-bitch and he’s watched her chew up and spit out a string of nice guys. Either way, you won’t know until you ask.

Me and my younger brother are in our early 20s and live together. We are Samoan and this fact doesn’t make us chick magnets. Point of story: both of us have to masturbate. The thing is, I always do it in private while my bro does it when he thinks I’m asleep. Sometimes I’m not. Should I go out and get drunk and bring it up, like you told that one guy to do with his roommate? The thing is, I don’t think it’s fair to confront him about his beating off without admitting that I do it too, which I don’t really want to do.

–Samoan & Masturbator

What the fuck is wrong with you, S&M? You’ve been handed this golden opportunity to embarrass and humiliate your younger brother and you’re hesitating? Look, the next time he’s beating off, roll over and say, “I’m awake, dumbass. Go jerk off in the bathroom.” He’ll feel mortified and ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated, and what older brother doesn’t enjoy making his younger brother feel miserable? Not telling him that you masturbate too will compound his feelings of shame, so there’s no need to confess. Instead enjoy the misery-making opening he’s given you.

I’m an adopted gay boy who was thrown for a loop when I was tracked down by two younger brothers I never knew I had. I really hit it off with the younger of the two, a straight biker boy. Six months after meeting he came to visit. He met my gay friends, did the gay bars with me, and one night after the bars he grabbed me, planted a big kiss on me, and before I knew it I was fucking him silly. Although I felt tons of guilt, we continued to mess around on and off for a year. I told some friends and got reactions ranging from, “Way to go . . . that’s every gay man’s fantasy!” to “Oh my god, you fucking sicko!” Then in a weak moment I confessed to another relative. Within days the news had spread, and no one from my biological family has spoken to me since.

Do you think there’s any way to salvage a relationship with my newfound relatives? I would hate to miss out on any more years together, regardless of how fucked-up our beginnings were. –Frenzied Adopted Guy

First, put me in the “Oh my god, you fucking sicko!” column. Making it with your brother is not every gay man’s fantasy.

Second, how can you salvage your relationship with your biological relatives? You can’t, FAG. Your straight biker boy brother may have been the one who made the pass that fateful night, but you’re not going to have any luck convincing your biological relatives of that. They will forever perceive you as the sicko fag who seduced him. Without a doubt that’s how your brother has characterized the affair.

But look on the bright side: unlike poor, pathetic PH at the beginning of the column, you at least had the decency to refrain from knocking up your sibling.