For crying out loud! What the fuck is wrong with people?! What the fuck is going on when someone wants noxious gas sprayed in their face for sexual pleasure? For the love of god, what the fuck is going on when a man wants to consume feces?

I know you get the weird stuff all the time, but fuck! What’s wrong with good ol’ fuck-me-suck-me stuff? How are normal people supposed to enjoy our sex lives knowing there are all these shit eaters out there?

–All Grossed Out Greg

I run letters from normal people about normal problems, and readers send E-mail bitching about the normal letters. So I run letters from freaks and perverts about eating shit and smelling farts, and people send E-mail bitching about the abnormal letters. Christ. And I’m sorry, AGOG, but you might wanna skip this week’s column. Like follows like, as they say, and now that I’ve gone and opened the door to the subjects of shit eatin’ and fart sniffin’ (at the request of another angry reader), I’ve got E-sacks of shit-eatin’, fart-sniffin’ mail to blast through before I can get back to the normal stuff.

And finally, AGOG, I hope my normal readers are able to enjoy their sex lives despite the knowledge that there are shit eaters and fart sniffers out there–and there always will be. It’s a free country, and as tempting as it may be we can’t exactly round up the shit eaters and, uh, gas them. As disgusting as shit eaters are, it’s currently illegal to murder them. Heck, they’re not even legally obligated to floss.

I am a weekly reader of your column. I need to ask a favor. Can you put me in contact with Not a Sick Bastard, the man who wrote you about his fetish for eating feces? We have something in common. I thank you in advance for your consideration of this request.

–Hook Me Up

I am not going to put you in contact with NASB. While pretty much anything goes at Savage Love, I draw the line at hooking up shit eaters. So the answer is no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No!

And please stop reading my column.

Gay people are disgusting, and you are bigoted against straight people. A married straight man only wants his wife to fart in his face, and you come down on him hard. But some fag who wants to eat shit? You’re as nice as can be. Do you eat shit, faggot? Only fags would do something so disgusting.

–Straight Rules

I told the shit-eating homo that he was a “sick bastard,” “a shit-eating freak,” and “a disgusting, shit-eating pervert.” That’s not coming down on him hard? And as for only fags being into shit, read on, dickbrain.

I hope you can help me. What I want is for a woman to shit on me. Is that really so much to ask? I’m a good-looking guy, in shape, and don’t have a problem meeting kinky women, but none so far into scat. I’ve had this nasty fantasy for years! So if you could publish this letter maybe others could at least get a laugh out of it…or maybe you could help me meet a nice lady who wants to take a dump on me?

–Shitless in Chicago

No. No. No. No. No. No. No! And please stop reading my column.

I am a 21-year-old student who, after reading [April 27’s] column, has a proposition for the loser who wants to be farted on. For $50, my two friends and I will give him three juicy farts wherever he would like us to. We have thought about it and think it’s so freaking funny that this asshole actually has this fetish that we have to tell him that there are probably hundreds of women who would laugh in his face at the thought of him enjoying this and that, for a small fee, we would indulge his moronic desire. You get some really big weirdos writing you, but this one really cuts the cheese.

–Gassy Momma

P.S. Feel free to publish my E-mail address:

Before anyone can accuse me of having a double standard–I won’t hook up the shit freaks but I’ll hook up mercenary young women with fart sniffers–I’ll go ahead and accuse myself: Savage, you’ve got a double standard! In my defense, I just said I draw the line at poo eaters. Gassy Momma, sorry to say, falls just inside the line. Maybe one day downtrodden poo eaters will get a fair shake in Savage Love, but it’s not going to be today.

Please help me! Last week, while playing soccer with some friends, I had the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. Something very funny happened, and when I started laughing I lost control of my bladder. A fully grown woman, I wet my pants in front of all of my friends. We’re talking pee-stains-down-the-pant-leg wet. This hasn’t happened to me since kindergarten, so I have been trying to figure out the cause of this incident. I’m in the middle of a sexual dry spell, and have, for the past month or two, depended on a vibrator to get myself off. The entire week before the pee incident I used my vibrator about twice a day. Could it be that my vibrator is somehow weakening muscles that keep my bladder under control? If not, how can I make sure this never happens again?

–What’s Going On?

“If you’re using your vibrator and having orgasms, then you’re exercising the muscles down there,” said Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good for Her, a sex-toy store in Toronto. “If anything, using a vibrator makes your bladder control muscles stronger, because you’re experiencing contractions through orgasm.” Jansen, of course, makes her living selling vibrators. If there was, say, some connection between using a vibrator and wetting your pants, would Jansen tell us about it? “I have a vested interest in providing every woman on the planet with a vibrator,” Jansen admitted. “But I’m telling you the truth. I swear. The muscles down there are like any other muscles. You’ve got to use them or lose them.”

I am a 20-year-old single white male who is straight, a Christian, and pretty clean-cut. Normally, people expect me to run in fear from things like your column, but I think it’s great! You’re not afraid to tell people what you think, and you’re not afraid to mock them when they deserve it. Brilliant advice which, even though I may not always agree with it, has good reasoning and usually sensitivity behind it, with a dose of cynical sarcasm. Your column has helped me get acquainted with just the sorts of things that real people struggle with, enjoy, and avoid. Christians like to hide from that stuff; I think that we should learn about it. So thanks for your column. It kicks ass.

–Straight-laced Guy

Savage Love: Acquainting Christians with poo eaters since 1991.

Next Week: What should we call it when a woman fucks a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo?