My husband and I recently let our best man borrow our New York apartment while we went away for the weekend. On Monday morning, my husband turned on our computer. Turns out our friend had been surfing hard-core porn sites all weekend. Our home page had been changed. Many of the links he left connect to 1-900 numbers at $3 a minute. Our hard drive is peppered with unwanted stuff. Even the settings on my (photographer) husband’s Photoshop program had been altered! We can now look forward to months of triple-X spam. We suspect our friend–who did not have permission to use our computer–only of being naive about cookies rather than malicious (he’s not on-line at home, but checks his E-mail at the library). Still, I’m amazed at how much havoc he managed to wreak in a couple of days.

What would be a fitting punishment? Should I send his E-mail address to every spammer I can find? I never wanted to know about my friend’s taste in slippery bazoomers or whatever. I feel like this guy used my dildo and didn’t even clean it before he put it back in the drawer. What is your take on this matter?

–Perturbed in Brooklyn

If your best man is naive about computers, he probably isn’t aware that he left behind a log of his weekend’s Web surfing. If what you’re after is revenge, you can do more damage with that log than you can spamming his E-mail address. Knowledge is power, as they say, and you not only know more about him now than you ever wanted to know, you also know more about him than he ever wanted you to know.

So the next time he’s over, smile and laugh and confront your friend with the evidence. Why not ask him which of the dozens of XXX Web sites he visited had the best slippery bazoomers? Your friend will most likely be mortified when he realizes that you know not only what kind of porn turns him on, but that he’s revealed himself to be the kind of loser who would spend an entire weekend in New York jerking off in front of a computer. If you really wanted to be cruel, you could tell whatever friends you have in common the whole hilarious story, while emphasizing that the amusing part is your friend’s naivete about computers (“…and he had no idea that surfing porn sites would leave XXX cookies all over our hard drive!”), and not his normal, healthy interest in slippery bazoomers.

I’m an under-30, good-looking, boy-next-door type who is into fisting guys. Living in a major metropolis and being cute, I thought I would have some luck in finding someone to date who was also into this. The problems are (a) most guys into getting fisted are older and/or ugly; (b) the premise upon which I meet these fisting bottoms is purely sexual (ads, sex parties, leather club) and I have as yet to meet someone who is sensitive, spiritual, wants to be in a relationship, and also likes to get handballed; and (c) a lot of these guys are on tons of drugs or are creepy and/or crazy.

I know a lot of people associate fisting with violence, but violence has nothing to do with it for me. It is, however, an intense turn-on for me–one I don’t want to live without. All I want is to share my passion for fisting along with the many other sides of myself with one really great guy.

–Found Inside Sensitive Toughguys

If you’re having trouble finding a young, good-looking, drug-free fisting bottom you click with on an emotional level, then you’ll have to find a young, good-looking, drug-free guy who isn’t a fisting bottom and turn him into one. Meet a guy, date him, have nice, normal audition sex. And then, before things get too serious, tell your new boyfriend that you’re into fisting. If he’s fond of you, your new boyfriend might be willing to go there, and once he gives it a try he might discover he likes it. If he’s not willing to go there or decides after one attempt that he doesn’t like how your arm feels in his ass, then you’ll have to dump him and repeat the process until you meet a young, good-looking, drug-free guy who tries it and likes it.

I’m a female college student who’s been dating the sweetest, most attentive guy for about two months. Our relationship has been going quite smoothly but for one tiny detail: his mom keeps on asking him if she can sleep in his bed. I hesitate to use the i word, but he and I agree that this is really odd behavior. I was wondering whether she was just trying to relive those moments from the past when at least one of her three children would have nightmares and crawl into bed with her (they’re all grown-up now), or if it’s just a joke on her part.

But here’s the thing: when my boyfriend refuses his mom’s requests (which he has to do at least once a week), she screams and yells that he used to crawl into bed with her all the time when he was younger and that he’d sometimes “defecate” or “urinate” all over the sheets. (She uses coarser language than that, though.) This has happened when I’ve been on the phone with him. What makes this even more confusing is the fact that this lady has a husband who shares a bed with her each night and they both appear very devoted to each other. What the hell is going on?

–Afraid of Sharing With Mommy

If your boyfriend’s mom wants a loving, childlike mammal that pisses and shits all over the sheets, well then she should get her ass to the pound and adopt an incontinent dog. But I don’t think that’s what your boyfriend’s mom wants. No, I think she wants her son, and I think she wants him in that i-word sense that gives relatively healthy people the freakin’ willies. The i word is the only thing that would explain the freak-outs, the round-the-world guilt trips, and the noisy requests for her son’s affections when he’s on the phone with his girlfriend. I’m not saying that any i has happened here, only that mom is clearly giving off an i vibe.

So what do you do? Since your boyfriend’s mom is (or is quickly becoming) a call-brand sicko, you had better keep an eye on the boyfriend. Sickos are pretty good at making their kids into sickos. Oh, go ahead and be loving and supportive and wonderful, but don’t give your boyfriend the benefit of every doubt. Mom needs a therapist, and your boyfriend needs his own apartment; while you can’t force his mother to see a shrink, you can encourage your boyfriend to move.

Finally, if your boyfriend says or does things that make you uncomfortable–if you get any sense that this problem with mom involves more than the rebuffed requests to share his bed–you might want to cut your losses. You only have two months invested in this guy, and anyway you’re in college. Shouldn’t you be dating guys who don’t live at home?

Confidential to Shelly: No, you’re not crazy, and yes, your boyfriend loves you.