You recently called a person who wants to wait to have sex “some sort of saving-yourself-for-something-or-other sociopath.” Come on, Dan. Do you really think saving yourself for the right person is stupid? I’m a 25-year-old hetero male who made the choice to wait until I got married. Sound stupid? I don’t think so.

Do you know that I never once even considered the possibility of having an STD? Do you realize that because my wife and I had sex for the first time with each other, I never have to worry about how I compare with a former lover? Do you even care that we have an incredible sex life? If people want to practice on others before they find that special someone, they’re free to do so. However, I don’t think it’s responsible for you to call those who practice the only truly safe sex sociopaths!

–Disappointed in Dan Not Telling Susceptible Column Readers Everything [About] Waiting

Do you know how many letters I get from men and women who were virgins on their wedding nights and are now, 5 or 10 or 20 years later, just dying to fuck someone–anyone–other than their spouses? Most of these I-wanna-cheat letters are from married women; almost all of them tell me they want to fuck some other guy so they’ll have something to compare to the sex they’ve been getting at home. So if I were you, DIDNTSCREW, I wouldn’t run around being smug about my “incredible sex life.” For all we know there’s a letter from your wife in my mailbox.

As for truly safe sex, DIDNTSCREW, do you realize just how many married men and women are infected with STDs every year by their supposedly monogamous spouses? The only way to truly avoid STDs–and unplanned pregnancies and heartaches and breakups and divorce–is to never have sex at all, casual or marital. If eliminating any risk of contracting an STD is your objective, DIDNTSCREW, I’d advise you to divorce the wife and have yourself castrated.

How dare you call people who wait to have sex until after they’re married “sociopaths”? What proof do you have that people who are virgins on their wedding nights are sociopaths?

–You Are Dangerous and Dumb

You’re right, YADAD, I have no proof that people who save themselves for marriage are sociopaths. I do, however, have proof that the vast majority of people are not virgins on their wedding nights (please see every single study of human sexuality). What this means, of course, is that it isn’t normal for someone to be a virgin on his or her wedding night; people who are virgins on their wedding nights deviate from the norm. Therefore people who save themselves for marriage are, if not sociopaths, at least deviants.

Don’t take this the wrong way, YADAD. I’m not trying to insult people who save themselves for marriage. But like Dr. Laura says, facts are facts. When people jumped down her throat for calling gay people deviants, she pointed out that it’s normal to be straight, and that means gays deviate from the norm. Dr. Laura wasn’t trying to be nasty, she said–just, you know, scientific. So I’m not being nasty when I call virgins, celibates, and people saving themselves for marriage deviants. I’m just being, you know, scientific.

Recently, my boyfriend of two years proposed. I am extremely happy except for one thing: I am a virgin, and I plan on remaining one until the wedding night. My fiance, however, has slept with other women. I am really scared that he will find I am inept at sex. I really love this man, but I cannot sleep with him until the big day. Do you have any tips on how to wow him?

–Wedding Night Willies

Your fears are well founded, WNW: On your wedding night your new husband will most likely find you to be inept–because you will be inept. Sex is a complicated business, and getting good at it takes practice. No one expects to be a good driver the first time they get behind the wheel, or to bake a perfect cake the first time they step into a kitchen. So why do people expect to be mind-blowing lovers the very first time they have sex?

Anyway, kiddo, there are no sex tips that can make an inexperienced virgin fuck like a seasoned pro on her wedding night. If you can’t bring yourself to run out and sleep with, oh, 50 or so guys before you get married, you’re just going to have to embrace your ineptitude. Tell your fiance as often as you can that while you’re looking forward to having sex with him you’re also nervous about being a virgin. Tell him you’re relying on him to help you become–over time, and through trial and error–a mind-blowing lover. If you can keep his expectations in check, he won’t be too crushed by your first awkward, fumbling attempts. Good luck!

I am 21 and a virgin. When I do go out on a date, I usually find some reason why the girl isn’t what I’m looking for. What’s worse is the girls I am attracted to are usually my friends and they would never think of dating me. How do I fix this?

–Screw the Hand, I Want What’s in the Bush

You’ve identified a self-defeating pattern in your love life: You date girls you’re not attracted to and befriend girls you find attractive. A self-defeating pattern, once identified, is easy to break–provided you have the balls. Here’s how you do it:

One by one, ask the girls you’re friends with–all those girls you’re attracted to–out on dates. If they tell you they think of you as a friend and can’t date you, thank them for their time and tell them you can’t be friends anymore. “I’m sorry, but I like you in a romantic way,” you say, “and being friends with someone I’m attracted to romantically is too stressful. Good-bye.” Keep it up until one of them says yes. If no one says yes, make a point of asking the girls you’re attracted to out before you become friends with them.

Being a virgin, I find myself extremely curious about the male penis:

1. How long is the average well-erected penis?

2. How do men feel about going to bed with a virgin?

3. Last but not least, how often do men get erections? And is it really “painful” if men are not allowed to have sex after they get an erection? –Virgin Territory

1. The average “well-erected” male penis is anywhere from 3.2 to 36.5 inches long.

2. Most men–even straight men–would rather sleep with other men than sleep with virgin girls. If you’re a virgin, it’s best not to say anything about it to the man you’re sleeping with.

3. Men get erections constantly. Erectile tissue in a man’s penis fills with blood, and if he isn’t able to have sex, blood can get trapped in his penis, making him light-headed, pale, and cold to the touch. In some cases a man’s penis will continue to fill with blood until it explodes.