Remember that reader who suggested you take submissions for the most embarrassing masturbation story? You promised your readers a contest, with prizes awarded to the author of the best (or worst) story. Did the events of September 11 preempt your contest? If so, I feel cheated.

–Wanna Laugh at the Freaks

Tons of people sent in their masturbation horror stories, and I apologize for the delay in getting the best of them into the column.

Just for you, WLATF, I sat down and sorted through the MHS mail. The best boys’ stories appear in this week’s column; the girls’ will run in next week’s. All of them have been forwarded to my hastily assembled Grand Council of Masturbation Experts. The Grand Council will award a selection of gender-appropriate masturbation aids to the authors of the most horrifying stories.

But first a few notes about how we narrowed down the field: All stories that sounded like urban legends were discarded, as were all tales involving parental discovery. Those that involved simple discomfort, bearable humiliation, or short-term inconvenience didn’t make the cut. But by far the largest category of disqualified stories (more than a thousand) were from people who burned themselves masturbating with Ben-Gay, Vick’s VapoRub, Nair, Sea Breeze, Old Spice, dandruff shampoo, Flexall 454, Preparation H, toothpaste, microwaved tomatoes, cantaloupes, watermelons, hands that recently handled jalapeno peppers or poison ivy, etc. Some of these holy-shit-I-burned-my-dick/twat stories were highly entertaining, it’s true, but ultimately they were too commonplace to be all that interesting.

OK, let’s get to the boys’ finalists:

In high school, we had this thing called Channel One. During lunch, we would watch this news show (and ads) for teens. Anyway, the school’s video club sometimes did their own little news broadcasts after Channel One’s lame show. One of the guys in the video club, we’ll call him “Bob,” was a quiet, unassuming kid who did most of the club’s technical work. One day the video club’s report ended and the screen went black. But someone neglected to press the stop button on the tape. About ten minutes later an image of Bob jacking off popped up on TVs in almost every room of the high school. Then I heard a scream: “Turn it off! Turn it off!” It was Bob, running to the video room in the library.

Bob was suspended for three days. That boy went into social Siberia. People would walk by him and say, “Hey, did you see Diff’rent Strokes last night, Bob?” Everyone shunned him, and I’m sure he was miserable for the rest of his time in high school.

–Still Feelin’ Bad for Bob

When I was a teenager I got off on sneaking out of my parents’ house naked and wandering around in the woods (we lived in the middle of nowhere). I really dug masturbating in the darkness of the forest. One night, I decided to put the garden hose up my ass instead. I had always wanted to know how an enema felt. I was a twisted kid.

My parents were away from home, so I was outside naked earlier than usual. I stuck the garden hose up my ass and slowly turned on the water. Then I heard a car coming up the driveway. I panicked and ran into the woods. Running naked is uncomfortable. Running while squirting water out of your ass is really uncomfortable. The vehicle belonged to an uncle of mine, who had stopped in to check on me at my parents’ request. He had to have seen me, as it was dusk when he arrived. I hid in the woods for five and a half hours. He hung out in the house, waiting for me to come back. There were other clues around the house (a pile of clothes by the door, my porn mags), so he knew what was going on.

I went back to the house when he drove off. He had put the hose back and cleaned up all of my porn stuff. He also left a freaky note promising that he wouldn’t tell my parents, and telling me that he was bisexual. I was totally freaked-out. –Woody Woodpecker

When I was in eighth grade, my best friend “Craig” and I were sitting through a Sunday evening service (our parents were Baptist fundamentalists). The pastor was talking about Christian fellowship. For whatever reason, I looked at Craig sitting about five feet away from me in the pew and made the universal “jerk-off” hand motion. There was no one else in our pew, and no one for two pews behind or in front of us. Well, Craig took off his jacket, covered his lap, and whipped it out. My respect for Craig soared, because he had just launched the tactical nuclear weapon of things-one-doesn’t-do-in-church. He was jerking off! In church! And then:

To demonstrate our Christian fellowship, the pastor asked everyone to stand up, walk around, and “shake hands with your neighbor.” I shit thee not. Craig looked at me. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped–i.e., that classic, eighth-grade “Oh, shit!” look. Craig tried to stuff his dick back into his pants, but it was too late. The Christian fellowshippers were upon us. For the next six months Craig had to sit in a pew with his parents. –Craig’s Sunday Best

I used to work for a prosthetician, assisting in the making of false limbs. In order to make a fake leg for a client, we had to make an accurate mold of the stump. To do this we used a powder called Co-Alginate. You mix it with water five minutes before you apply it to a patient’s stump. It then rapidly solidifies into a hard, gel-like yet pleasantly slick substance, which can easily be removed from the patient’s stump with a firm yank.

I thought a good Co-Alginate fucking would be a great way to spend a bathroom break. I took a decent-sized jar and some Co-Alginate powder to the bathroom with me and locked the door. I mixed a little water in with the powder, got it to a nice, slimy semihard texture, and stuck my dick in. You can probably guess what happened next: My dick got stuck. I tugged it and tugged it but I couldn’t tug it as hard as you would to get it off of somebody’s leg, because it hurt and I didn’t want to pull my dick off. I actually had to yell for someone to bring me a cast-cutting saw.

–Cock Stuck in Jar

My best friend in college had an unusual method of masturbating. “Mike” would chew a piece of gum until it was soft and then wrap it around a long, thin stick (think condom). He then inserted the stick-with-gum into the tip of his penis and moved it in and out until he came. Ouch. Unfortunately, one time when he pulled the stick out, the gum was gone. Soon he had an intense pain in his penis. Realizing that he had just lodged a piece of gum inside his urethra, Mike immediately went to the hospital, where the doctors were forced to cut his urethra open to remove the gum. Double ouch. –Still Laughing at Mike

Next Week in Savage Love: Girls share their masturbation horror stories.