When you said, “All masturbation horror stories that sounded like BS were discarded,” I said to myself, “I guess we won’t be reading any ‘I-got-a-hot-dog-stuck-up-there’ stories.” The hot dog story you ran was well crafted, but it’s an urban legend. Type “hot dog vagina urban legend” into Google.com and you get hundreds of results. Sometimes ten seconds of research goes a long way.

–Fenway Frank

As hot dogs are familiar, fleshy, and phallic, I don’t doubt that malicious boys and girls sometimes spread rumors about innocent classmates using them as masturbation aids. But if the hot-dog-as-masturbation-aid story is so obvious, FF, doesn’t it seem likely that boys and girls who are curious about penetration (CAP) might actually use hot dogs?

I mean, I shudder when I think back on some of the stuff I put up my butt when I was young and CAP. I’m not going to go into details, FF, but I will say this: Just because the toothbrush-in-his-butt story is an urban legend doesn’t mean that no one has ever stuck a toothbrush in his butt. Are you with me?

Moving right along, my Grand Council of Masturbation Experts convened this week to select the winners of Savage Love’s MHS contest–a process that turned out to be more complicated than scheduling the Emmys. You see, there are actually two Grand Councils of Masturbation Experts. The east-coast grand council is comprised of Rachel Venning and Claire Cavanah, co-owners of Toys in Babeland, a sex-toy shop in New York City (with a branch in Seattle). The west-coast grand council is comprised of the staff of Good Vibrations, a sex-toy shop in San Francisco.

In a stunning development, the competing councils couldn’t agree on a single winner in each of the two categories, so four prizes will be awarded today.

To refresh our memory, here are the contestants:

In the category of best MHS by a girl: Adopted, so It’s Not Incest, who at age seven asked her younger brother to tickle her anus with a palm frond; Traumatized at Age Six, who caught her mother masturbating with her electric Mickey Mouse toothbrush; Sincerely, Diane, who used her stepfather’s electric toothbrush; Thankful to Have Been a Frigid Teenager, who claims she helped a horny friend retrieve a hot dog from her vagina; Handy-Work in Canada, whose fist got stuck in her vagina at grandma’s house; and Ain’t No Bedtime Story, caught fingering herself by her high school Spanish teacher.

In the category of best MHS by a boy: Still Feelin’ Bad for Bob, recounting the sad tale of a high school video club geek who accidentally broadcast a video of himself masturbating to his entire high school; Woody Woodpecker, who was giving himself an enema with a garden hose when his creepy bisexual uncle drove up; Craig’s Sunday Best, whose best friend got caught masturbating in church; Cock Stuck in Jar, whose story was disqualified because upon further reflection I realized it was bullshit; and, finally, Still Laughing at Mike, whose friend Mike got a ball of gum stuck in his urethra.

And the winners are…

That masturbation story about the girl who put her hand up her vagina can’t be true. It’s impossible for a girl to stick her hand up her vagina! And if she got it up there, she would have to be able to get it out! It couldn’t get stuck!

–Masturbation Expert

Women can get fists into their vaginas, ME, way in. (I have pictures to prove it.) And our panel of masturbation experts (real ones, not self-appointed know-nothings) agrees. “If a woman has an orgasm while being fisted,” said Good Vibrations’ Thomas Roche, “her vagina can end up tightening to the point where it takes a while to get the fist back out. A nervous 16-year-old might have an even more difficult time.”

Toys in Babeland selected Handy-Work as winner in the girls’ category. “She wins for solo-sex ingenuity, the unimaginable physical position she got stuck in, and the grandma angle,” said Rachel. “Never underestimate the strength of your PC muscles, ladies!” Toys in Babeland will be sending Handy-Work a supply of Slippery Stuff and the Beast, “one of our larger dildos that approximates the width of an adult-sized fist.” Good Vibrations kicked in a copy of A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting by Deborah Addington.

If the kid who put a hose in his ass and ran into the woods doesn’t win the [prize] for men, I’m gonna vote for George W. Bush next time around. His story was so beautiful.

–It Moved Me

Don’t have to vote for George W. Bush in 2004, IMM: Good Vibrations awarded top honors to Woody Woodpecker. “The visuals are just too good,” said Good Vibrations’ Violet Blue. “And that note with the inappropriate self-disclosure from his uncle tops it off.” The Good Vibrations team is sending Woody Anal Pleasure and Health by Dr. Jack Morin, “to help him make his next enema more pleasant,” along with some Elbow Grease Light Lube and a P-Spot Plug, “specifically designed by our staff to be shaped nothing at all like a garden hose.”

The guy who showed a videotape of himself jerking off to the whole high school really exists. I was there. I saw. I never recovered. And I’m not Bob.

–High School Confidential

It’s nice to know Bob exists, because his story took first place from the Toys in Babeland crew in the boys’ category. “Unwittingly jerking off in front of your entire high school is the saddest story of teenage humiliation we’ve ever heard,” said Claire.

To thank Still Feelin’ Bad for Bob for sharing Bob’s story (and perpetuating Bob’s humiliation), Toys in Babeland will be sending him a Fleshlight, “a supersoft, fleshy-feeling masturbation sleeve for men. Lube it up and go to town.”

If the girl who found her mother using her Mickey Mouse toothbrush doesn’t win, there is no God.

–Still Appalled in Toronto

“[In the girls’ category], the clear winner was Traumatized at Age Six,” said the Good Vibrations crew. “Her mom buys it for her, steals it, and then lies about stealing it?” said Good Vibrations’ Sarah Burgundy. “That’s my kind of mother.” And what does poor TAAS win? “A Hitachi Magic Wand, which is superior to any electric toothbrush ever made (unless you actually want to brush your teeth), and our favorite attachment, the G-Spotter, which will enable her to hit all the right places.”

Well, that’s all, folks. I’d like to thank everyone who sent in their MHSes (you’re all winners!), and a special thanks to both grand councils. “All of these horror stories are extremely instructive,” said Dr. Carol Queen, Good Vibrations’ resident sex guru. “And many of them illustrate how important it is to have appropriate toys and/or information.”