Your boys-will-be-boys advice to Strip Club Widow really bothered me. You told her that most straight guys want to fuck other women, and that she should turn a blind eye to her boyfriend going to strip clubs because it probably helped him blow off that wanna-fuck-other-women steam. Most straight men do not want to fuck around! And though I disagree with that premise, it pisses me off that you imply women don’t lust after 18-year-old boys. Why didn’t you tell her to go to strip clubs?

–Ticked Off

Of course you don’t think straight men wanna fuck around. You’re a straight woman, and you’ve been lied to all your life. Most straight men would stick their dicks in blenders before they told a straight woman the truth on this subject. (They will, however, tell their gay friends the truth.) And frankly, TO, straight women can’t handle the truth. Straight women demand faithfulness from straight men (which is not unreasonable), but then demand straight men pretend faithfulness comes easy (which is unreasonable). Since most women won’t put out without hearing an only-you-baby line of crap, men are forced to lie. It would be funny if it weren’t so pathet–actually, it is funny.

As for women lusting after other men, sure, that happens. In fact, there was a story about what tramps women are in the New York Times recently. Researchers studying primates discovered that female chimps and gorillas, the species most closely related to us, messed around behind their fellas’ hairy backs quite a lot. But in primate society, just as in human society, females were sneakier about messing around and messed around for different reasons.

OK, class: Male gorillas collect females in harems, like Mormons hoarding the ladies; male and female chimps, on the other hand, live in large mixed groups with everybody fucking each other’s brains out, like San Franciscans. One researcher was forced to take notes while a lady chimp mated with 84 different males in one night. Since a male chimp’s sperm is forced to compete with sperm of other males in order to pass on his genes, chimps evolved with large testicles that produce rivers of spunk. But since lady gorillas are less likely to fuck males other than their local alpha, male gorillas’ spunk doesn’t have to compete. Consequently, male gorillas evolved with teensy-weensy testes that produce less spunk than male chimps’.

Humans are primates, and since the male human’s balls fall somewhere between chimps and gorillas on the body-mass scale, scientists concluded that “sperm competition” is a “feature of the human mating system.” Since men’s balls are big but not huge, scientists also concluded that back when humans were busy evolving, a male’s sperm would typically have to compete against the sperm of one or two other males. Why did human females mate with many men? For pleasure, no doubt, but also to keep the boys guessing about who the father was. If every male thought her kids might be his kids too, then all the males would pitch in to protect her kids.

Guys, then, fucked to make as many babies as possible (and for pleasure), while gals fucked to make men take care of their babies (and for pleasure). Men looked for breeders, women looked for mammoth killers. There are other signs that females evolved to fuck around: human females evolved with big boobs and rear ends but with “concealed ovulation,” i.e., it isn’t obvious when human females are laying eggs. Big boobs and rear ends helped attract mates, while concealed ovulation helped fool ’em about whose kids were whose. And women continue to fuck around today: genetic tests used to screen for inheritable diseases show a 10 percent rate of “paternal discrepancy,” i.e., the father isn’t who the woman claims.

These scientists–who will probably have their funding yanked by outraged Republicans–also noted that in monogamous primate species, males and females were about the same size. In nonmonogamous primate species, males are larger. Since human males are bigger than human females, men “evolved to ‘expect’ perhaps two or three mates,” at the same time human females were evolving to fuck around behind men’s backs. None of this, of course, explains why there aren’t strip clubs where women can stuff hundred-dollar bills into the pants of 18-year-old boys.

But I can explain it: men and women are attracted to different things. Most men–not all–are attracted to fertile 18-year-old girls. Most women–not all–are attracted to power, i.e., bigger, stronger, richer men. (Anybody wanna marry a multimillionaire?) An 18-year-old boy taking his clothes off in a strip club is not, by definition, a man with much power, so most women aren’t gonna waste their time in strip clubs–at least not until there are strip clubs where women can watch multimillionaires take their clothes off.

In your response to Strip Club Widow, you said that she should “turn a blind eye” and “pretend that [her] boyfriend doesn’t go to strip clubs.” Why should they lie to each other? Is this how you want your relationship to function?


Think about romantic relationships for a second, V. Is honesty what we want from our lovers? No. We have lovers so there’s someone in our lives who has to tell us we’re smart and attractive and interesting even if these things aren’t true–and, in most cases, they aren’t. As for my relationship, I’m sure there are things my boyfriend keeps from me, just as there are things I keep from him, but I value my relationship enough not to tear away at the tissue of lies that binds us together. Love is like skin, V: it’s a beautiful thing provided you don’t examine it under a microscope.

Anyone who spends seven hours in a strip club is cheating. My advice to SCW is simple: Go to a strip club, see for yourself. People who have conflicts on basic issues shouldn’t be together. And while you may not believe it, not all straight guys wanna fuck other women.

–Panties in a Wad

I’ve never met a couple that didn’t have conflicts over basic issues, like money, work, sex, or kids. Rare are the couples with conflicts over obscure issues, like soybean futures, Canadian foreign policy, or just what exactly is up with John McCain’s neck. I don’t know about the planet you’re on, PIAW, but here on planet earth even the best romantic relationship is essentially a conflict-a-thon made tolerable by the occasional orgasm.

Returning to the New York Times, here’s a quote about sex from former president Jimmy Carter’s new book, as reported in the NYT: “Well past 70, Rosalynn and I have learned to accommodate each other’s desires more accurately and generously.” That’s good advice. If you want the person you’re fucking to fuck no one but you–for ever and ever–then you’d better accommodate their desires, even if they include the occasional night out in a strip club. And learn to do it before you’re past 70.

Finally, a lot of straight women wrote in to insist that “not all straight guys wanna fuck other women.” Interestingly enough, not a single straight guy wrote in to complain, or to claim this wasn’t the case, or to accuse me of slandering straight men. Not one. What does that tell you, straight women?

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