I read your recent column about a man having trouble incorporating BDSM into his marriage. I’m in a similar situation. In it, you wrote that men are more likely to be kinky than women. But I’m a woman, and I’m kinkier than my husband.
I was a virgin until I was 22 and never had any erotic dreams or fantasies that I was aware of, and I never masturbated. I was sexually repressed, I guess. My first partner was wonderfully patient and very understanding. The first four years of this relationship were spent in the delightful pursuit of my sexual identity. My boyfriend was always wonderful about encouraging me to explore his fantasies, and since I wasn’t aware of any of my own, this was fine with me. We married three years ago.
Now we have a problem. In the last year, I “woke up” to a huge list of my own fantasies, including a strong submissive tendency. The reason I never noticed my submissive fantasies before was that for as long as I’ve been sexually active, my husband has been in a somewhat dominant position; he was always teaching, leading, and introducing me to new things. But now I want to explore full-on submissive fantasies, and he’s not into it. My husband has experimented a bit to make me happy, but the whole idea of him being in control is somewhat lost when the point of it all has to be explained to him. If I had to make a choice between my marriage or my fantasies, there’s no question that my marriage would win. My husband makes me far too happy to sacrifice our relationship for something I only crave about once a month. He says I should give him more time to get comfortable with my new desires, but it’s already been six months. At what point do I give up? How do you train someone to be a dom?
–Hubby Won’t Play
A good friend was once in a situation identical to your own, HWP. Let’s call her Melinda. Like you, Melinda was burdened with some run-of-the-mill “outrageous” submissive fantasies, and, like you, Melinda had the misfortune of falling in love with a guy who wasn’t into them. But he was perfect for her in every other way, and so, like you, Melinda was reluctant to dump this guy over something she craved about once a month.
But when Melinda craved it, man, she really craved it.
Melinda hung in there though, and step-by-baby-step she somehow managed to make a dom out of her boyfriend. Now he does all sorts of things he swore he couldn’t do, from wearing leather pants to keeping her tied up for hours on end. I’d heard all about this transformation from Melinda, but I’d never discussed it with her boyfriend–let’s call him Bill. With Melinda’s permission, I gave Bill a call at work and asked him how he went from sexy wimp in Dockers to pushy dom in leather pants.
“It would come up, her need for that kind of stuff, and we would talk about it,” said Bill. “It would sit there, like this big, unresolved issue. We fought about it.” How long did the sitting and fighting go on? “Years. But she was always willing to try anything I wanted, so I felt guilty about not being able to do this thing she wanted to do.” But whenever Bill did “anything slightly bossy in that arena,” Melinda would react to it in a big way. “If I held her hands over her head when we were making out,” Bill said, lowering his voice, “she’d make it clear that she was turned on, so I’d keep doing it, since it was having this effect.” But Bill couldn’t seem to make the leap from “just rolling around,” as he called it, “to being a big, scary, mean, selfish asshole in bed.”
So what finally turned him into the big, scary, mean, selfish asshole? Melinda “put her foot down,” said Bill. “She told me we had to do this, or she was going to lose her mind or leave me. We compromised. We did bondage without attitude.” Bondage without attitude? “I would tie her up, and then we’d have normal sex, only she was tied up and I didn’t have to act like a monster.” What made all the difference for Bill, monsterwise, was when Melinda topped him a few times. “I asked her do to me the stuff she wanted me to do to her. Then I didn’t have to guess what she was fantasizing about, I just did the things she did.”
But the most important thing Melinda did, Bill emphasized, was to keep the pressure on him. “If she didn’t let me know over and over that she still wanted this, then I wouldn’t own a pair of leather pants today,” said Bill, laughing. “And guilt was important too. She would do whatever I wanted and I wasn’t doing the same for her. My advice to this woman would be to do whatever her husband wants, whenever and wherever, and then remind him how unfair that is. If he’s a gentleman, he’ll come around.” It will take some time, though. “It took me three years before I could do S-M at all, and two years after that before I got any good at it,” said Bill, which I already knew, Melinda having kept me informed every step of the way. “But if she can keep up the pressure, pour on the guilt, and be patient, he’ll come around.”
I’m a straight black guy in love with Asian women. Some people confuse a love for another race as a fetish for some reason, but this is not a fetish. Where can I meet Asian women? Trying to meet them on the street is not the way. They look at me like I’m going to rob them. I think I’m a fairly handsome guy. I’m a well-built bodybuilder/actor. Do you know where I can meet any Asian women that love black men?
–Desperately Seeking Asian Women
“Claiming that you’re ‘in love’ with an entire race of women sounds an awful lot like a fetish to me,” said Min, a self-described delicate lotus blossom, who works in my office. Min spoke with me on behalf of all Asian women everywhere. “Tell this guy he can meet Asian-American women the exact same way he would meet non-Asian women: at bars, clubs, through friends, or at work.”
And Min thought you might have better luck with Asian women if you took a deep breath and calmed the fuck down. “Asian women he meets on the street are not running because he’s black,” Min said. “They’re bolting because they can smell a ‘thing for Asian girls’ a block away. If he makes a big deal out of seeking out Asian women, he’ll scare off women who think he’s some creepy perv who fetishizes Asian women.”
On the upside, Min wanted you to know that not all Asian women mind being fetishized. “Not the dumb ones, at least,” said Min, “and some Asian women fetishize big black men.” On the downside, Min wanted you to know that Asian women don’t have any inherent powers of erotic massage. “Nor do we know the first thing about bathing grown men, most of us are too heavy to step on your back, and our eyes are the only part of our anatomies that are slanted.”
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