I’m stuck in a mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship with a total cunt. She’s whaled on me before in drunken rages; however, I’ve never hit her back because I just can’t hit a chick. But she’s only a cunt when she’s drunk, and that’s only some of the time. The rest of the time she’s a totally cool, sweet, funny, great person to be around who’s extremely hot looking and hot in bed. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde, though; you never know when she’s gonna snap and ruin the moment/night/week.

We’ve been going out for two years. All my friends (and hers!) are telling me to dump her. I should end it for my own sanity, but I keep thinking things will change. Plus the thought of being 32 and single sucks. She’s going to counseling and things are a tad better, but she still goes nuts and this roller coaster ride sucks. I’m not perfect, but I’ve bent over backward to be a good guy and to make this work. I want to get married and stuff too someday, but not to a cunt who’s going to make me happy/miserable for the rest of my life. So what should I do?

–Fucked-up Minneapolis Dude

Admit it: You would’ve dumped the, um, “cunt” months ago if she weren’t “extremely hot looking and hot in bed.” But I feel your pain, FMD, because once upon a time I fell in love with an extremely hot guy. His body? Like a rower. The sex? Like a porn loop. His personality? Like, a problem. I put up with psychotic fits, childish temper tantrums, and furiously irrational jealousy–all to keep the sex coming. And you know what? It was worth it. All he had to do was take off his shirt and, Jesus fuck me Christ, I would’ve forgiven him for skinning my mother alive with a penknife.

But one day I realized something. He was good-looking now, and he was great in bed now, but no one is good-looking forever, and the sex is never as hot after 20 years as it is after, say, 2. One day he would be old and ugly, the sex would be predictable and passionless, and he would still be this fucking psycho. And even if I forgave him at the time, one day, when he was old and ugly, I would probably come to resent him for skinning my mother alive.

So do what I did, FMD, and dump the “cunt.” Oh, she may be a hot-looking/hot-in-bed cunt right now, but one day she’ll be a crappy-looking/crappy-in-bed cunt. Counseling, shmounseling: There’s only so much a shrink can do to change a person! I mean, haven’t we all seen flaming assholes go into counseling and come out smoldering assholes? Counseling can take the edge off, but take the edge off a psycho cunt and what have you got? At best a crazy bitch. The only thing you can count on her getting out of counseling is an expanded vocabulary. Ask yourself: Do you wanna be this woman’s boyfriend when psychobabble is another weapon she can use to whale on you?

I am a 21-year-old single lady and my sex life sucks. I’ve only had two orgasms from guys in my life. Jesus, most of these guys won’t even make an effort to get me off! Any bit of advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

–Tired of the Three Pump Chump

Everyone’s sex life sucks at 21, TOTTPC, so look on the bright side: barring a spinal injury, things can’t get any worse. Things can, however, quickly improve if you stop waiting for guys to make an effort and start insisting they do. Tell the next guy you sleep with that it’s ladies first at your house and if there’s no orgasm for you, well, there’s no pussy for him. I assure you he’ll make the effort.

My current girlfriend tells me that I become erect too easily. This, she says, makes her reluctant to have sex because she never gets a chance to start things, and that turns her off. I do get hard pretty easily when we go to bed, kiss, cuddle, or even embrace, clothed or unclothed. I used to think this was normal. I hope you take this question seriously. This is causing stress in an otherwise good relationship.

–Ever Ready

Tell your doesn’t-know-a-good-thing-when-it’s-poking-her-in-the-pooter girlfriend I said this: If she can’t appreciate your ever-ready erection, well, there are plenty of women out there who will. And there are plenty of guys she could be dating instead of you, guys whose erections are rarely if ever ready; perhaps she’d be happier with Rudy Giuliani (prostate cancer) or Bob Dole (erectile dysfunction). Hey, the Republican National Convention is coming up and it’s not too late for her to become a delegate.

I write in response to those namby-pambies who wrote to express moral outrage (jealousy) about your fine advice to that 18-year-old student: As a former TA at a Big Ten university, I can assure everyone that you were correct in stating that fucking students is one of the few perks that comes with the job. And fuck them I did. My friends and I were popular (and respected) TAs, and we scored with hundreds of coeds.

We never got in any trouble because we followed the one rule that everyone seems to have missed: fuck your students after they’ve taken your class. Thus, no conflict of interest. Of course, a TA who fucks students may develop a reputation among people who couldn’t get laid in Tijuana with a $100 bill, but this is no different than the basic sexual dynamic that exists across all strata of society. Some CEOs fuck many vice presidents; some professors fuck many TAs; some TAs fuck many students. A few screw many and everyone else resents it (see Clinton ’98/’99).

To Not Getting Any at Work, who thinks that students (18- to 22-year-olds) “look like babies, far too young even to be very sexually interesting (let alone intellectually interesting),” let me explain how fucked-up you are (you might want to stop jerking off to the latest edition of “Sexy Over Sixty” magazine and listen). Number one: This is about sex, not about some fantasy intellectual relationship. Savvy college-age girls are into getting laid by desirable men and women (my lesbian TA friend was quite successful with the “bi-curious” straight gals). Number two: Eighteen- to twenty-two-year-old girls are absolutely radiant. No, I don’t want to marry them, but the biological imperative operating here is undeniable. Number three: If you think this kind of behavior doesn’t go on, well, that’s because you’re not in the right crowd.

I’m now a professor in my mid-30s at a small liberal arts college, and guess what? My students still want to fuck me. Currently I am in a relationship, heading toward marriage, with a woman my own age. She giggles when drunk girls say inappropriate things to me at school functions. For now, the coeds are safe at my small school. But should my girlfriend and I break up, my female students’ well-coiffed noggins will once again be slamming (gently) into my headboard.

–Teaching Them a Thing or Two

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.net.