My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. He has been a programmer as long as I have known him, which has meant dealing with him occasionally not sleeping for four days straight, being on call for work 24 hours a day, and programming breakthroughs coming to him during intimate moments. All of which I never minded. Programming is what he loves to do. But recently he took a new job as a systems developer and things have changed drastically.

It has gotten to the point where I am literally competing with computers for his time and affection. He works all night, plays (PlayStation, computer games, or programming just for the heck of it) all morning, and sleeps the rest of the time. Over the past three months I have gradually been squeezed out. We don’t live together and he makes no real effort to talk to me. I always have to call him. I have asked him about it; he says nothing is wrong and he isn’t mad at me and he is sorry. But things remain the same.

This may sound silly, but I feel like I am being cheated on with a computer. I also feel like I can’t compete with technology. I am so hurt and brokenhearted that I can’t sleep. I’m writing because I am at a loss for what to do. I have tried everything from aggressive sexual advances to learning code, just to be part of what he is doing. Nothing works. I am desperate for ideas on how to make this better. –Helpless Lacerated Heart

You sound pretty attached to your boyfriend, so you’re probably not gonna like the sound of my advice but–you have to dump this guy. You have no choice: He’s satisfied with the state of this relationship, you’re not; he’s in love with his work, not with you. So dump him. You’ve tried long talks, aggressive sexual advances, and even learning code–what else is there to try? I suppose you could put a gun to his head and force him to focus on you, but eventually you would nod off and he’d get rid of the gun and be back at the computer before you woke up.

There’s a good reason you don’t feel like you can compete with computers: You can’t compete with them–at least as far as this guy’s concerned. The longer you hang in there trying to make it work the more devastated you’re going to be when it finally ends. Today he isn’t calling you, tomorrow he won’t be bathing. Pretty soon he won’t be trimming his toenails anymore or getting up from his desk to use the toilet. Do yourself a favor and dump the geek.

I am a 24-year-old lesbian, and I am super in love with a wonderful woman who I hope to spend the rest of my life with. We’ve been together about a year. The thing is–I’ve never had sex with a man. She has. I want to have sex with a man sometime before I die because I do find men attractive, but I don’t want a relationship with one. Also, why not have sex with a man? Men have fascinatingly different genitalia and body shapes than women do, and I want to check it out!

But here I am with this lady I love. I’ve had a couple of relationships with women, but I knew I would eventually break up with those not-right-for-me women and have the opportunity to fuck a man. I should have done it before I met my current girlfriend because this lady is it for me. How can I have this experience without screwing up our relationship? Should I get this out of the way now? Or wait? Or should I forget about it? Is this selfish of me? Do you think that would kill my relationship? My girlfriend suggests we call one of those escort services and get it over with. –Man Crazy

So I’m reading your letter, and I’m like, “Wow, she should tell her girlfriend about this.” And I keep reading your letter, and I’m like, “Golly, she should ask her girlfriend about having a three-way.” And I keep reading your letter, and I’m like, “Sure, she can have this experience without screwing up her relationship–provided, of course, that she gets her girlfriend’s blessing.” And I’m almost done reading, and I’m like, “Gosh, I guess I’ll advise her to get her girlfriend’s permission to fuck a guy.”

And then I get to the last line–“My girlfriend suggests we call one of those escort services and get it over with”–and I’m like, “She already has her girlfriend’s blessing?! Jesus Christ, what a fucking chickenshit!” If your goddamn girlfriend already knows about your desire to check out some fascinating male genitalia and she’s given you her blessing, well, what’s the fucking problem? Do you know how many straight guys would give their left nut to be wedged between two honest-to-Ellen lesbians? Call a goddamn escort already–he’ll probably offer to pay you. Or better yet, take out a personal ad in this goddamn paper and you two will be up to your tits in boys begging to fuck you. Christ!

So I read in your column last week that “everyone wants to know if Giddy Schoolgirl slept with her TA.” Weird. Total strangers are interested in my sex life–I’m not sure whether to be scared or amused. I guess it’s my fault for writing to a sex advice columnist in the first place. Well, the answer is: Yes, I’m sleeping with my TA, and he’s amazing. Sorry to all the people this seems to offend. Why are they reading your column anyway?

–Giddy Schoolgirl

People who don’t think TAs should fuck their students read my column for the same reason so many other easily offended people read my column: People enjoy being offended.

Speaking of TAs fucking their students, has everyone seen the new Tom Green flick Road Trip? By way of an awkward segue, one of the characters in it is a TA who wants to fuck a student. (He comes to a bad end, which should please those who disapprove.) For a gross-out teen sex comedy, this movie is remarkably sex positive. Unattractive people are shown having sex–fat black girl on top of skinny white guy–and while their rolling around is played as a sight gag, they’re not held up to ridicule by the other characters in the film. Indeed, no one questions their right to be sexual or their attraction to each other. It’s really–heartwarming.

As if that weren’t revolutionary enough, Road Trip also features a girl who initiates kinky sex–videotaping what could be a one-night stand–and not only doesn’t she wind up punished or humiliated or dead (or all three), as is customary in teen sex comedies, she winds up getting the guy at the end. And to top it all off, a studly straight boy gets finger fucked and no fag jokes are cracked, and he’s not made out to be any less studly or straight for enjoying it. In Road Trip, people aren’t worried about what’s normal, good girls do, and ugly people get laid–it’s like sex in real life. It’s mind-blowing.

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