I’m the creative type: I write, I draw, I compose. Mostly, though, I cartoon. And, oh yes, I’m a fetishist–nothing illegal, but still unusual. (Look up “maeiusophilia” if you must know.) I do a lot of erotic (by my standards) artwork, and it’s a shame to keep these drawings to myself. All fetishes now have their own little Internet communities, and I’m considering sharing my artwork with my fellow fetishists. Problem: I plan on having a career as an animation guy, the normal, nonerotic kind. Will I doom myself to being a “known pornographer,” i.e., Ralph Bakshi of “Fritz the Cat,” and risk being blackballed from the business if my fetish art gets around?

–Artsy Fartsy Fetishist

I didn’t have to look it up: Who isn’t aware that a maeiusophiliac is someone turned on by hugely pregnant women? Like maeiusophiliacs, I’ve been made to feel ashamed of my desires–my fondest desire at the moment is to possess a videotape of Freddie Prinze Jr. sodomizing Chris Klein–and I have something to say to all those nonmaeiusophiliacs out there who might judge my friend AFF: Everyone runs around saying pregnant women are so beautiful and so radiant and that they glow, but the minute a guy admits he wants to fuck one, well, suddenly he’s some sort of pervert. How fucked up is that?

Anyway, AFF, Shawn Tracy at the Motion Picture Screen Cartoonists Union didn’t think posting dirty drawings of pregnant ladies on-line would necessarily harm your career as an animator. “But if he’s planning on having a career with Disney or one of the extremely family-oriented companies,” said Shawn, “then it could come back to bite him in the butt.” Baptists are always on the lookout for hidden messages and filthy subliminal images in Disney cartoons. These same upright citizens no doubt spend thousands of hours every year sifting through kinky Web sites for drawings done by artists affiliated with Disney. If you want to work at Disney, well, you probably don’t want your stuff popping up at www.hotknockedupsluts.com.

“If he’s planning on doing really radical, totally kinky stuff, then he should use a pen name,” advised Shawn. “Any animator who wants to get out there and do their own thing is wise to use a pen name.” Shawn doesn’t want to discourage you from drawing naked knocked-up ladies though. “When you work for a corporation,” he said, “and they decide not to do another animation project for a few years, then you’re pretty much out of work. If you are doing your own thing on the side, well, you have work to fall back on.”

I’m a 28-year-old gay male who recently attended a sporting event in the beautiful city of Portland, Oregon. I found myself at a house party. In the middle of the festivities, I was approached by a small group of drunk lesbians who requested that I drop my drawers and show my cock. I politely declined, not out of shyness but out of…confusion. Why would a lesbian want to see my dick? I have many female friends, I am comfortable with women–I love women (as friends)–I just don’t want to show them my genitalia. Were they out of line? Should I have whipped out the goods?

–Slightly Traumatized Gay Man

While no doubt your experience was traumatic, STGM, thank God you were approached by drunk lesbians in Portland and not assaulted by those damned depraved dykes currently terrorizing New York City. Amateur videotape of “wilding” lesbians assaulting men in Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhood last week–spraying men with herbal tea, pulling down their shorts, demanding to see their cocks–shocked the world and delivered yet another black eye to New York City’s embattled police department.

Why would lesbians want to see men’s cocks? For much the same reason vege-

tarians might want to see the inside of a meat-packing plant: to inculcate feelings of disgust and revulsion and thereby reaffirm their decision to live openly as lesbians/vegetarians. Of course, no one is obligated to show Portland’s hard-drinking lesbian community “the goods,” though your reluctance to share your genitals with your lesbian sisters does point to a certain sexual timidity on your part. Again, it’s lucky you were in Portland last week and not Park Slope.

My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years. My wife is naive, shy, and innocent. Needless to say, she was shocked when I told her that I fantasized about her having sex with another man. The sharing of my fantasy emboldened her to discuss the idea with a male friend on the Internet. She likes the idea. He likes the idea. I like the idea. My worry is this: If she has sex with this other man, will I be insanely jealous or incredibly turned on?

–Mixed Emotions

Well, there’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?

What exactly are a person’s rights in regard to viewing certain sites on the Internet? If you put the words “child pornography” into a search engine and sites come up and you click on and view them–is that illegal? Or is it only illegal if you pay money to view pictures or order them, or if you collect and display them? It seems to me it should not be a crime simply to look at something even if it is illegal if you are not the one who created, stored, or distributed it. –Looking Around

I spoke with someone at the Department of Justice who did not want to be named. Let’s call her Janet Reno.

“First, this is not legal advice,” Ms. Reno warned me in a husky voice. “But it is illegal to possess, distribute, or receive child pornography. To convict someone, it would have to be proved that the person accused had knowledge and intent to possess, distribute, or receive it.” Then Ms. Reno–sounding distracted–ended our brief interview. Perhaps Fidel was holding on line two.

OK, sicko, let’s review: You cannot possess child pornography. That means you cannot hoard it under your bed, carry it in your wallet, or display it in lovely frames on your credenza. You cannot distribute child pornography. That means you cannot post kiddie porn on a Web site, E-mail it to your fellow pedophiles, or pass it out on street corners. You cannot receive child pornography. That means you cannot sign for it, order it by mail, or download it. Entering “child pornography” into a search engine and surfing sites that pop up is, according to Ms. Reno, illegal.

So while it may not seem to you that simply looking at something illegal on-line should be illegal, it seems that way to judges, juries, and Janet. Why does the law come down so hard on kiddie-porn consumers? Well, the reasoning goes like this: Consuming kiddie porn creates demand for kiddie porn; demand for kiddie porn leads to the production of kiddie porn; the production of kiddie porn requires the sexual abuse of children. You may not think you’re abusing children by downloading kiddie porn, but children, according to Ms. Reno, are abused as a direct result of your having downloaded it. Considering the lengths that Ms. Reno and everyone else at the Department of Justice are willing to go to protect children (does Waco, Texas, ring a bell? How about “Miami relatives”?), I wouldn’t advise you to surf kiddie-porn Web sites while you’re at work. Or at home. Or in Waco, Texas.

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