I am a 32-year-old white male, six-foot-one, 220 pounds. I am heterosexual and live in the Bay Area, where I earn a passable blue-collar income. The problem: I have been involuntarily celibate for four years. I can’t even get a girl to go out with me. I’m always turned down with lines like, “Well, I’m really busy for the next three or four years” or “You’re such a sweet guy; I don’t want to ruin our friendship/acquaintance/ random meeting.” This is no gag; I’m ready to blow my brains out. Just hearing about my friends’ relationships fills me with anger and jealousy.

My shrink has no advice. My friends–of both genders–have no advice. I’m now convinced that women are almost exclusively attracted to complete fucking creeps. I’ve had relationships in the past, so I’m not a total failure, but I don’t have a motorcycle, tattoos, a ponytail, or a drug habit–the things that seem to attract women around these parts. I mean, I’ve been rejected at parties in favor of guys that are too trashed to stand up. I can only reach two conclusions:

1. I’ve gotten this far in life being both uglier and a bigger social retard than even I can imagine, or

2. Women are inherently self-destructive, lying, shallow whores that reject me for the fun of it.

Both possibilities are almost too ugly to contemplate. Shall I stick the shotgun barrel in my mouth now, or do you have any advice? –Lonely and Suicidal

PS: I’m not joking. Please do not make fun of me in print. You don’t want me as an enemy, as I have nothing to lose.

I was about to delete your letter, LAS, when I glanced at its postscript. After reading it, I wasn’t sure what my next move should be. On the one hand, if I answered your letter and you thought I was making fun of you, you might kill me. On the other, if I didn’t answer your letter and you thought I was ignoring you, you might kill me. I hope you can appreciate my predicament and will forgive me if the advice I’m about to give you isn’t my best work, as I’m really not used to writing under this kind of pressure.

Anyway, um–maybe the problem isn’t you, or maybe it’s not all you, but where you choose to live. In my opinion, the money sloshing around the Bay Area these days isn’t just distorting the housing market. Everyone in and around San Francisco aspires to either be a millionaire or marry one, which makes it hard for a blue-collar guy like yourself to compete. If you’re not having any luck in the Bay Area, I would suggest you move someplace where women still consider blue-collar men–to say nothing of their reliable incomes–wildly attractive, like Milwaukee or Canada. Both places may have their fair share of self-destructive, lying, shallow whores, but most of the whores in Milwaukee and Canada still regard a blue-collar guy who makes a decent living as a catch and not a consolation prize.

Even if I’m a little off the mark and the women in the Bay Area aren’t the problem here–well, a change of scenery couldn’t hurt.

Finally, if I may venture a critical observation, Mr. LAS, sir, I do detect some anger in your letter. Very few people find anger attractive, and given a choice between a fun-lovin’ bad boy who’s made unfortunate facial-hair choices and an angry man with steady blue-collar work and a huge chip on his shoulder–even if the chip is justified–most women will opt for the fun-lovin’ bad boy. It’s a good thing you have a therapist, because the sooner you work through your anger, the sooner you’ll turn your love life around. In the meantime, whether you stay in the Bay Area or move to Buttcrack, Nebraska, you can do what a lot of angry people do and learn to hide your anger.

Perhaps behind a goatee?

I am a 25-year-old lesbian. I have been in a relationship for a year and we are about to move in together. When we first got together the sex was great and passionate. Now it’s dull and predictable. I try to hint that we should try new things, like sex toys, but my girlfriend claims we don’t need them. We do one thing (oral sex) and that one thing only (no anal, no penetration, no strap-ons). I’m bored! I don’t want this to cause us problems when we live together. What should I do?

–Frustrated Dyke in Brooklyn

Stop dropping hints, FDIB, and start making demands. Hand your girlfriend a strap-on and say, “Look, you’re going to use this on me, and use it on a regular basis, or I’m not moving in with you.” If your girlfriend still claims that you don’t need sex toys, say, “You’re wrong. We need sex toys. And why do we need them? Because I want them, goddammit!”

I just read your column about the movie Road Trip and how it was “sex positive” because it showed “unattractive people” having sex, including a “fat black woman.” Who the fuck are you to decide who isn’t attractive? The black female featured in Road Trip was attractive even if she isn’t one of those flat-assed, silicone-chested lily-white females crammed down our throats by Hollywood. Furthermore, having a black female fuck a nasty-ass geeky white boy when she was surrounded by all those Mandingo studs was totally fucking unrealistic. That scene made me gag. On behalf of black females everywhere tired of the bullshit myth that beauty and sex appeal are only possessed by skinny white women, fuck you and your lame critique of Road Trip.


In an early draft of the column you object to, Renee, I praised Road Trip for showing “unconventionally attractive people having sex.” Somehow “unconventionally” got dropped from the second draft and an “un” got slapped on “attractive.” I didn’t mean to imply that fat black women are unattractive, even if that is what I actually said. Indeed, I was trying to make the same point you make, Renee: unlike most mainstream films, Road Trip doesn’t ask us to believe that only “flat-assed, silicone-chested lily-white females” are attractive.

But since my comments, as published, were indeed offensive to fat black women everywhere, I would like to apologize to Renee, Nell Carter, pre-Tony Award Jennifer Holliday and the other Weather Girls, postcheeseburger Oprah Winfrey, and the rest of the beautiful fat black women out there reading this. And on a personal note, Renee, I’m just as attracted to fat black women as I am to “flat-assed, silicone-chested lily-white females.” Really.

But Renee, after asking me who the fuck I am to decide who isn’t attractive, you turn around and decide that the skinny white actor in Road Trip is unattractive. If I may turn the tables, Renee, who the fuck are you to decide who isn’t attractive? If fat and black can be beautiful, then by God, so can skinny and white. So I tell you what, Renee: I won’t suggest fat black women are anything less than ravishing if you refrain from making disparaging remarks about the sex appeal of skinny white boys. Deal?

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