Whenever I am with someone new and we are in bed, all the twisting and fooling around creates all this gas in my stomach. Being a gentleman, I have to hold it in–and the pressure keeps building and building. If I try to do controlled releases, it just comes out even noisier. And with how thin walls in New York City are, holding it in until I go to the bathroom is only slightly less embarrassing. I’ve tried waiting until the woman falls asleep, but one time when I thought I was being discreet the girl immediately jumped up and got out of bed. Any words? Is there any etiquette about farting in bed?

–Bed Farter

At the beginning of a beautiful relationship, straight women like to pretend their new lovers don’t actually fart. Of course, women know men fart, but how long a man can go before farting in front a woman is an important first test, BF, and it’s one you’re failing miserably. Your girlfriends want to know that you’re willing to suffer for them–willing to cramp and squeeze and hold ’em in–so that they might cling just a little longer to the cherished illusion that you don’t fart. Not being able to make it through one night without letting it rip communicates to a new girlfriend that you value your comfort over her feelings. A good rule of thumb: No farting in front of a woman you’ve been sleeping with for less than six months.

So no more first-night farts, BF. Once you’re in a serious, long-term relationship, you’ll be able to fart to your heart’s content in front of your wife or girlfriend. She may even make funny comments when you do, like, “Jesus Christ, what did you eat?!” or “What died in there?” or “Lemme out of here!” In the meantime, get some Gas-X and try to hold it in.

I am a 19-year-old woman in my first serious relationship. My problem is that my boyfriend really likes the idea of oral sex, but when I tried to go down on him it just made my jaw ache and my neck hurt. I didn’t even, uh, succeed at my task. I don’t particularly look forward to trying it again, but he’s so excited about it that I want to do it for him (especially as he is quite enthusiastic about going down on me). Is there some way I don’t know about that will make this easier and let me enjoy it more?

–New to This in Canada

Before answering your question, NTFIC, I want to congratulate all the Canadians up there–including the Frenchies–for conducting yourselves like ladies and gentlemen during your recent national elections. Not only were your elections short, sweet, and orderly, but you also had the good sense not to make your joke candidate, Stockwell “Doris” Day, prime minister, whereas we Americans seem to have elected our joke candidate, George W. Bush, president of the United States.

OK, blow jobs. Here’s the secret: Few people actually enjoy giving blow jobs, as blow jobs are hard, awkward, drool-inducing work. Sore jaws and stiff necks are to be expected, and, as incentives go, a mouth full of come at the end of a job well done isn’t exactly stock options. But there are a couple of things you can do to minimize your discomfort and hurry things along. Use your right hand to make a fist around the base of your boyfriend’s cock. This will limit how much of his cock he can get in your mouth and provide him with additional stimulation that will hopefully get him off faster. At the same time, make a fist around his scrotum with your left hand. He’ll be less likely to make a sudden move (like a throat-plugging thrust) if it might cost him his nuts. And, finally, without loosening your grip on his balls, use the index finger of your left hand to tickle the area behind his balls and before his asshole. Again, he’ll get off faster. Finally, if you’re feeling very tired or worn out or sore, take a break.

I have been married now for three years. When my wife and I first got together, we thought alike and enjoyed the same things. But in the last year, she has become extremely religious. She now refuses to watch porn with me or give me blow jobs, which she used to do frequently, “because it’s a sin.” She talks about Jesus constantly, and it really gets on my nerves. I’m suddenly married to a nun. She does not act sexy in any way, and when we do have sex she just lies there. She has informed me that she’s going to quit using birth control, and wants to have sex in order to conceive–which I’m sure as hell not ready for. Whaddya say?

–I Married a Nun

Ask your wife how Jesus feels about her ass gettin’ dragged into divorce court, because that’s where this marriage is headed. Being married to a Jesus freak–as opposed to an easygoin’, porn-watchin’, blow-job-givin’ Christian–isn’t what you signed up for. If she’s not the person you married, divorce her.

Great advice to Pissed Off in New York, the guy who decided to move when he found out his roommate was gay. Straight guys who move to NY should seek gay roommates out, with the possible exception of POINY’s slob of an ex-roommate. As a straight guy myself, I think other straight guys should be aware of these built-in advantages to sharing an apartment with a gay guy:

1. You’ll have a roommate who won’t fuck your girlfriend.

2. Can offer you fashion advance.

3. Won’t fuck your sister when she visits.

4. Knows where to go to get a great haircut.

5. Knows tons of hot straight/bi chicks that you can fuck.

6. Knows where to find the best underground parties.

7. Can get you X at wholesale rates.

8. Did I mention that you’ll have a roommate who won’t fuck your girlfriend?

–Reformed Homophobe

Thanks for sharing, RH, and I would like to add two more items to your list to bring it up to an even ten:

9. Straight chicks will think you’re all sensitive and stuff for having a gay roommate and want to fuck your brains out.

10. If you can’t make rent, your roommate might settle for a blow job.

I think the format of Q & R & R lacks something. In your standard Q & A format, I enjoy reading your responses to several letters; the Q & R & R format limits quantity and replaces it with something of dubious quality. I think you should take special care not to overuse the Q & R & R format, only using it when it is called for, which was not the case in the instance of POINY.

–Matt Pepple

So, Matt, when would it be OK for me to use Q & R & R?

Possibly when you get letters where further responses might turn up something bizarre or really funny.

–Matt Pepple

OK, I’ll try and limit Q & R & R to funny and bizarre threads, Matt. Threads that are nothing like, say, this one.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.net.