A few years back I took some snapshots of my wife-to-be. She was naked at the time. This unprocessed roll of film has been sitting in my desk for a while, and I’d like to get the pictures developed. However, I have no intention of going to the supermarket and having the old lady behind the film counter glare at me. Worse yet, I would hate for the pimply-faced boy working the machine to distribute naked pictures of my wife at his high school. I found a few companies on the Web that claim to provide “discreet and private” film processing. But should I be sending nude photos of my wife to some unknown company in cyberspace? I’d like to avoid having her visage turn up on nakedchicks.com. –Film Guy

“Most of the big drugstore and grocery store chains use gigantic film labs that are totally automated,” said my friend Joe, who’s taken a few dirty pictures of his wife. “What you don’t want to do is take your film to any of those one-hour photo places. Then someone will definitely see your pics. You want to take your film to some huge place, like a Walgreens or Safeway or Wal-Mart. They send film to big film-processing labs, where everything’s automated, and no human ever sees your pics.”

And if you want to take dirty pictures of your wife without having to worry about photo processing, Joe recommends you invest in a digital camera. “You can download the pics right onto your computer. Unless you E-mail them to someone, your pics never even leave your house. You can make prints yourself with a color printer, and the quality of digital cameras is getting better all the time and the price is coming down.”

At Bernie’s Photo Center on Pittsburgh’s north side, digital cameras start at $499, with the top-of-the-line Olympus digital camera going for $620. While Joe seemed sure most digital cameras are sold to filthy-minded pervs like him, the salesperson I spoke with at Bernie’s assured me that they sell most of their digital cameras to construction companies and, er, the military.

What about good old-fashioned Polaroids? According to Joe, there’s just no comparison. “Polaroid cameras are cheap, but the pics themselves aren’t so hot and they cost a buck apiece,” Joe explained. “With a digital cam, the pics are better quality, and they’re a lot cheaper. Actually, once you pay for the camera the pics are pretty much free. All you have to pay for is paper and ink if you want to print them, and that costs about 20 cents per pic tops. Go digital.”

For nearly ten years I have been in prison (manslaughter). I’m a SWM, 28, somewhat smart, and an accomplished “jailhouse lawyer.” I will be up for parole in 2001. I intend on going to law school when I get out. I met a woman who I would very much like to be more than friends with. She is about my age and an Ivy League-educated lawyer at a firm in New York City. In terms of looks, she’s Lewinsky-esque, which I find hot.

We’ve never met in person, but we’ve worked on some prisoners’ civil rights stuff together. Our communications were initially about business, but lately we’ve begun to talk about personal topics, including our pasts, future plans for family, and the common pitfalls of relationships between prisoners and nonprisoners. She recently asked me for my photo, which I was happy to send. I’m pretty well built from–what else?–lifting iron in the yard. She has a boring boyfriend, but I get the feeling that she is not madly in love with this guy. Do you think this gal considers me potential serious relationship material? And, if so, how can I improve my chances of her choosing me?

–Cold in Siberia

Getting yourself paroled in 2001 will do more to improve your chances than anything else. My advice: Don’t get into any fistfights in the yard, don’t sue the warden for anything trivial, and don’t participate in any riots or jailbreaks. You want out? Keep your nose clean, punk.

As for whether Ivy League lawyer lady considers you, somewhat smart manslaughter guy, potential serious relationship material, well–only she knows the answer to that question. You could ask her in a letter, or you can wait until you’re out and ask her in person. Whatever you do, though, don’t entertain too many unrealistic expectations.

She may be flirting with you because, at the moment, you don’t present much of a threat to her relationship with boring boyfriend guy. Until the time comes that you are paroled–and I’m sure you know being up for parole in 2001 doesn’t mean you’ll be paroled in 2001–flirting with you is a pretty low-stakes activity for her. If she does decide to stay with boring boyfriend guy when you get out, don’t do anything that might land you back in prison. There are plenty of other women here on the outside, and many find buff ex-cons simply irresistible.

I’m a 45-year-old financially secure male with a big problem. My sex life is terrible. The reason can be attributed to my wife. She’s five-foot-two, weighs about 220 pounds, and just keeps getting heavier. She’s really let herself go, and sex with her is a painful chore. Since I don’t find her attractive anymore, I have to have a porn video going in order to keep a hard-on. She’s so heavy that it hurts like hell when she gets on top of me. I’m no toothpick either at five-foot-eleven and 330 pounds, so she won’t let me get on top of her. I’m good for about 15 minutes because the pressure my wife puts on my nut sack gets to be too much. What in the hell should I do? I still love her and enjoy her company, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings by saying the wrong thing. Any advice you would have on fixing this situation would be appreciated.

–Two-Hundred-Pound Problem

Your wife let herself go? What about you, fat boy? You’re not exactly an underwear model, you know. I would attribute this problem not just to the wife but to both of you letting yourselves go. The two of you are dangerously heavy, and I suspect it’s not just your love life that’s suffering. Your hearts aren’t going to hold up for long if they have to keep pushing blood through all those extra pounds. Since this is a problem you share, don’t worry about offending your wife or hurting her feelings. When you bring it up, be as hard on yourself as you are on her: she got fat, you got fat, your love life sucks as a result, and things have got to change. You say you’re “financially secure.” Well, spending some of your money on a personal trainer and a nutritionist might take some of the pressure off your nut sack.

I like this person very much. We were very close before I did something that made her parents very upset. Now we are becoming closer, but I don’t know what to do.


First, apologize to her parents, then learn to be a little less vague. You like a “person,” you did “something” that upset her parents, now you’re becoming “closer.” When you’re asking for advice, a little back story is always helpful.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.com.