I am a 43-year-old female who has always identified as bisexual. I’ve enjoyed plenty of healthy uninhibited sex in my time as well as good relationships on both sides of the fence. I recently met a woman who is 110 percent wonderful, and she seems to feel the same about me. The problem? I am coming to the realization that I prefer men for sex and women for relationships. At the same time I believe strongly in monogamy, and if I make a commitment with this woman I want to honor it.
I was in a ten-year relationship that ended three years ago, and I feel ready and willing to enter into a new committed relationship, but I’m unsure if I can do this without sexual passion. I hope you have some words of wisdom for me.
–The Heart Is Willing but the Flesh Is Weak
Some words of wisdom: Avoid making commitments you can’t keep, especially monogamous commitments to wonderful people. If it’s primarily men who turn you on, THIWBTFIW, then setting up house with a woman–even a 110 percent wonderful woman–isn’t the wisest or fairest of moves. As someone who’s had plenty of uninhibited sex, you are doubtless aware that sexual passion is a highly addictive drug: after you’ve shot up a few times, it can be hard to go without. If you make a monogamous committment to this woman, someone who by simple fact-of-gender won’t ever fill you with passion, sooner or later some good-looking guy is going to come along, light your fuse, and blow up your relationship.
What to do? Considering your feelings about men (wanna fuck) and women (wanna relate), I would challenge you to question your strong belief in monogamy. A woman who prefers sex with partners of one gender and relationships with the other isn’t someone who should be running around making monogamous commitments to anyone of either gender. Monogamy is nice, but it sho’ is overrated–so much so that people who would be happier in nonmonogamous relationships (or committed three- or four-way relationships) frequently make ill-advised monogamous commitments. It’s a trap: we’re told that good people are monogamous; we all wanna be good people, so we all wanna be monogamous. But you know what? It’s possible to be a good person (and a fair to middlin’ president) without being monogamous.
Don’t fall into the trap. Negotiate a nonmonogamous commitment with Ms. Wonderful, one that leaves room in your life for passion. Or if she can’t handle an open relationship, you’ll have to dump her and find yourself a nice bisexual woman who can, maybe one who feels the same way about men that you do. Imagine how happy you’d be if you found yourself a nice bi girl who wanted to fuck men once in a while but, like you, didn’t want them hanging around the house for long afterward.
I’m a 20-year-old female virgin. I’m very curious about sex and I want to lose my virginity. Most of my friends lost their virginities long ago. I feel like it’s my turn! This is the prime of my life! I just want to have fun! Would a guy think I was cheap if I approached him for sex only, no steady relationship required?
Any guy you approach for “sex only” is definitely going to think you’re cheap–and so what? So long as he’s giving you what you want (sex) and taking from you what you don’t want (your virginity), who cares what he thinks? Half the mail I get is from straight guys complaining about how hard it is to meet women in the prime of their lives who just wanna have fun, no steady relationship required. The guys you hit on may think you’re a little nutty and a little slutty, but if you’re getting what you want and he’s getting what he wants, well, that’s a rare and beautiful thing.
I think you missed the real reason you aren’t getting letters from mom screwers, dog fuckers, and poo eaters anymore. In the early 90s, hard-core pervs were loosely organized. Even in large cities it was hard for them to get together, so they were driven to write to sex columnists for advice, referrals, and assurance that there were more pervs like them out there. With the Internet, lonely pervs don’t have to lie up at night wondering if they’re the only one of their kind–instead they just log on to www.bestiality.com, www.lovingmother. net, or www.dogscrewers.org. So what’s left for you? Letters from people with belly-button fetishes. Boring! –Perv Perspective
Damn! You’re absolutely right! Four or five years ago, pervs who wanted info about more of their kind while also maintaining their anonymity had no choice but to send anonymous letters to advice-giving schmoes like me. Nowadays, as PP points out, pervs can find all the info they need on-line, as well as pervy personal ads, home pages, and answers to frequently asked pervy questions–which doubtless accounts for the worldwide shortage of perv questions directed at advice professionals.
Luckily for my kind, not all pervs have caught on to the wonders of the Web. Take this recent letter sent to Savage Love: “I’m a young straight male into water sports. I have been unable to find anyone else in Chicago who shares my interests. I was wondering if there are any groups and/or clubs that cater to breeder boys like myself. If there are no hetero water-sports clubs, do you know of any places where I can buy magazines and/or videos dealing with my interest?”
If this young perv had the Web sense and initiative of other horny young pervs, he would already know that hetero water-sports porn can be found all over the Web as well as at any all-purpose porn shop, and that info about hetero water-sports clubs, if such clubs exist (which, sadly, they do not), can be found with any search engine. As Elizabeth Dole recently pointed out, there’s nothing to stop someone from going to a library and surfing the Internet on a federally-financed computer, downloading smut, and looking at dirty pictures. To use Mrs. Dole’s own words, “Young men and women, children in some cases, are going into libraries and looking at pictures of hot babes pissing all over their sexy, soaking-wet lovers, gushing hot woman-piss in their faces, and making them lap it up like the dogs they are. This must stop!”
I am writing to correct one of the replies you gave in Pussapalooza ’99. In regards to the woman who stopped getting yeast infections once she made her partner gargle with mouthwash, Cathy Winks commented, “Why would healthy individuals have candida thriving in their mouths?”
Around 50 percent of the population have candida thriving in their mouths and are none the wiser. Candida becomes a problem mainly in immune-compromised individuals, hence the problems with candida among those infected with HIV. So it is quite possible that the woman in question isn’t as healthy as she could be, her partners have candida thriving in their mouths, and she got a yeast infection as a result of getting oral sex from them.
–Camille Diges, graduate student, department of chemistry, University of Colorado
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to firstname.lastname@example.org.