I have been an avid reader of your column for about three years, and I need you to answer a question for me. I don’t feel that this is a question I can ask my doctor or anyone who might have an answer for me at work. I am a black man who enjoys drinking the piss of other black males. I haven’t found many like-minded individuals to discuss the subject with, let alone to indulge with, so my experience with this activity is pretty rare.

Here’s the issue: At my job I am subject to random drug tests. Skipping drug tests is not an option conducive to future employment. If I were to imbibe of someone who had, say, used marijuana recently, would drugs show up in my urine? How do I enjoy myself without having to explain to my employers how drugs ended up in my urine? I don’t know if my employers would believe me even if I were to tell them the truth. –Piss Drinker

“As drug tests become more sensitive,” Flash Gordon, MD, told me, “THC ingested secondhand is showing up on drug tests.” Gordon is the former medical director of the Haight Ashbury Free Medical Clinic in San Francisco and currently practices at First Med Marin in San Rafael, California. In Doc Flash’s opinion, THC may show up in your urine after you drink the piss of a dope smoker, provided the drug test you’re subjected to is sensitive enough.

“If THC-positive urine was ingested by someone, that wouldn’t be much different than breathing secondhand smoke,” said the doc, “and [secondhand smoke] is showing up on tests these days. You might get a positive test result, although ingesting THC this way wouldn’t get you off.” What the doc means, of course, is that drinking THC-positive urine won’t get PD high, even if it does get PD off.

Feeling uncharacteristically responsible–both PD’s job and sex life were hanging in the balance–I sought a second opinion. Emily Davis, a lab technician at Northwestern University in Chicago, assured me that most job-related drug tests are pretty generic, and few would be sensitive enough to pick up small amounts of THC or traces of other drugs that had been filtered through two sets of kidneys. “The only chance is if the person was an extremely hard-core user and then would have higher traces in their urine,” said Davis, who feels you are at greater risk of picking up a sexually transmitted disease than you are of flunking a drug test. “Although urine has the smallest trace amounts of HIV of all the bodily fluids, and no cases of infection through urine have ever been documented, mucous membranes in the mouth could conceivably absorb the virus into the body.” AIDS is the most glamorous STD, of course, so it’s the one most people fantasize about contracting. You should probably worry more about syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, and other STDs, PD, than you should about AIDS.

Speaking of piss drinkers: Attitude, a glossy UK monthly, recently ran a story that you might want to look up, PD. It was about folks who drink their own piss, and I think you’ll find the piece both informative and reassuring. Apparently piss drinking for health purposes has a long, proud history, with such notables as Gandhi being confirmed piss drinkers–along with millions of ordinary men and women all over the world, including the brother of someone I work with. If anyone out there wants to learn more about the wonderful things drinking piss can do for you, Golden Fountain: The Complete Guide to Urine Therapy, by Coen Van Der Kroon, Volker Moritz, and Merilee Dranow, is the bible of piss drinkers.

Anyway, PD, my advice for you would be go for it. The odds of a positive drug test are low, and the odds of contracting an STD are probably worth the risk–if piss drinking is what floats your boat, that is. Enjoy the piss of other black males, PD.

My girlfriend keeps on telling me she wants to give me a snowball. I’m totally fucking weirded out by that. I don’t wanna eat my own pud! That would be sick. What’s your take on snowballing?

–Don’t Let It Snowball

Snowballing goes like this: A man ejaculates in another person’s mouth, and the person whose mouth was ejaculated into kisses the person who ejaculated, passing the ejaculator’s ejaculate, or “pud,” back into his own mouth. At this point, the ejaculator has a choice to make: he can swallow his own pud, he can pass his pud back into the mouth of the person who passed it into his mouth, or he can beat the person who snowballed him to death with a chair leg.

While I don’t disapprove of snowballing, it’s one of those sex acts that I don’t wanna hear much about, pro or con. I will say that among straights there seems to be a double standard about men’s and women’s sexual juices. Not only do men enjoy ingesting women’s juices–men of good character, I should say–they also enjoy watching women ingest feminine juices (hence the many shots of women licking their own sticky fingers in porn videos). In my view, not only shouldn’t straight men ask women to swallow anything straight men themselves wouldn’t be willing to swallow, but if women are expected to taste themselves, then straight men should expect to taste themselves, too. Enjoy your snowball, DLIS.

If Ex-Virgin Wannabe wants to lose her virginity, I would be more than happy to oblige. I will be gentle, respect her in the morning, and I will even cook her breakfast. Give her my E-mail address so that she can contact me. –Ralph, bi902@scn.org

I read the piece about the female eager to lose her virginity. I’m interested in meeting her, if you can hook us up. I’m a 28-year-old black male living in Toronto. We could meet, and if the vibes is right, we could work from there.

–Robert, STUDIO8942@aol.com

It never ceases to amaze me just how many straight men are apparently willing–anxious!–to have sex with women they’ve never met. The number of guys who offer–sight unseen!–to eat a strange woman’s pussy (in response to a recent letter) or, in EVW’s case, to take her virginity, well, it staggers me. Of course, the number of gay men out there willing to have sex with strange men–some even willing to drink their partner’s urine–also staggers me. But you know what? I don’t get stacks of mail from gay men wanting to fuck other gay men whose letters have run in my column–only mail from straight men wanting to fuck women whose letters they’ve read. Weird.

When I’m on talk radio and straight callers go on and on about what sluts gay men are–and we are, but we’re not the only ones!–I mention letters like these. Anyway, Ex-Virgin Wannabe, if you wanna offer up your virginity to a man you’ve never met, I’d like to introduce you to Ralph and Robert. Judging from their extremely sensitive letters (Ralph will even make you breakfast! Robert will do you if the “vibes” is right!), they both seem to be nice guys. Enjoy your deflowering, EVW.

Dan Savage’s new book, The Kid, is now in bookstores.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.net