You recently gave this advice to a gay man involved with a married bisexual man: “Don’t mess around with bisexuals.” You went on to tell the reader he should not mess around with married men either. Staying away from people who are in committed relationships is sound advice. But condemning all bisexuals as poor relationship material is prejudiced, biphobic, and hurtful.
Most condemnations of bisexuals are made on the basis of their presumed inability to be monogamous, a generalization that in many cases is false. But you yourself admit that most gay men are equally unable to be monogamous. Therefore, the only possible explanation for your antibisexual response is pure, irrational bias. You do all your bisexual readers a disservice, along with the gay and straight people who love them, by allowing your prejudices and fears to color your otherwise valuable advice.
–Jennifer Coderre, cofounder, Bisexual Insurgence, Washington, D.C.
It wasn’t prejudice and fear that colored my advice for Bud, Jennifer, but plain ol’ common sense. Bud, a gay man dating a married bisexual man, was frustrated about having to share his “soul mate” with his soul mate’s wife. Bud’s problem had nothing to do with monogamy (and if Bud was hung up on monogamy he wouldn’t have got involved with a married man in the first place) and everything to do with primacy. Bud wants to be his soul mate’s one and only, but that wasn’t in the cards with this particular soul mate, so I advised Bud to find another one. And under the circumstances, telling Bud to rule out bi guys and married men was sensible advice.
It may not be PC to say this–the last time I’ll use that term in this or any other millennium, I swear–but avoiding bi guys is a good rule of thumb for gay men looking for long-term relationships. Outside of San Francisco’s alternate-universe bisexual community, there aren’t that many bi guys on the planet who want or wind up in long-term same-sex relationships, monogamous or not. Surely it’s not news to you that people are put under a lot of pressure to choose partners of the opposite sex. The number of homos who succumb to this pressure–the flaming fags who marry straight women and big ol’ dykes who marry straight men–is staggering, so it should come as no shock that most bisexuals wind up with opposite-sex partners. And while many straight men are delighted to discover their girlfriends are bisexual, most straight women are not delighted to discover their boyfriends are bisexual. Consequently bi guys who want to keep opposite-sex partners are under tremendous pressure to stay closeted. And when a guy is closeted–as most bi guys are–he can’t really be there for his boyfriend, can he?
I’m not saying that bi guys are bad people, or that they don’t make great one-night stands. Bushes, bathhouses, and sleazy gay bars are crawling with bi guys; if all a gay guy wants is a quick blow job in a motel room from a guy wearing a wedding ring, hell, why not a bi guy? But if a guy wants more than that–if he wants to be some guy’s one and only soul mate–he’ll have an easier time getting it from another gay man.
As a gay male who’s been playing the field for 20 years, I have to say that bi/married men just plain suck. I don’t doubt that there are decent bisexual men out there, but by and large the bi men I’ve come across are real users. They sneak out on wifey at home, look for quick fixes with men, and are paranoid about being caught stiff-dicked with a guy. Because most are living double lives, bi men inevitably act selfishly. They want a straight life and its perks and a cock when they can manage to squeeze it in (if you’ll pardon the expression). The bi guy’s “boyfriend” is always the disposable one. –Fag for Fags
Thanks for sharing your prejudices and fears with my readers, Fag for Fags. Your bigotry is as transparent as it is offensive, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. But for what it’s worth–and it’s not much–I agree with every word you wrote.
I feel horrible for Bud, not because I’ve been in his shoes but because I’ve been the wife. My ex-husband initially told me he just wanted to try a threesome with me and another man and that it was “just a fetish.” I wound up divorcing him when I found out he was cheating on me, a divorce preceded by months of lies and manipulations geared toward keeping the marriage intact. Bud needs to know that this man tells his wife he loves her just like he tells Bud he loves him. I bet she thinks he’s her soul mate too. In reality, he’s just a user. They should both leave him and stamp “avoid” on his forehead to warn everyone else to stay away from him too.
–Wish I Could Protect Everybody From Assholes
Thanks for sharing your prejudices and fears with my readers, Wish I Could Protect Everybody From Assholes. Your bigotry is as transparent as it is offensive, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. But for what it’s worth–and it’s not much–I agree with every word you wrote.
Something in your response to the guy in love with a married man stung; it was “don’t mess around with bisexuals.” I’m a bisexual man. I suspect your offensive statement has something to do with two pieces of “common knowledge.” The first, common in both gay and straight circles, is that bis are really gay. The second says that because of social pressure a bi man will inevitably throw a man over for a woman. If these are your reasons, shame on you! The same “conventional wisdom” that says a bi man will leave a gay man for a woman says that a bi man will leave a woman for a man! No matter which group says it, it’s bigotry. Of course, both these things happen all the time, but don’t gay men leave each other for other men? Straight folks don’t leave each other? People leave people. The rules and the risks are the same, gay, straight, or bi. –Andrew
Judging from my mail, Andrew, when a gay guy or a straight girl gets involved with a bi guy someone always winds up getting hurt. And guess what? It’s rarely the bi guy. So while I wish the rules and the risks were the same for everyone, it seems that in this instance they’re not.
I read a letter recently in which your advice to a guy fooling around with a married bi guy was (in part) “don’t mess around with bisexuals.” Did you mean that this advice seeker in particular shouldn’t fool around with bisexuals, or that nobody should? –KD
No, there are definitely some people who should fool around with bisexual men: other bisexual men! Jesus Christ, bisexuals, if straights and gays treat you unfairly then why don’t you turn to each other for love and comfort? Judging from my mail of late there’s an unlimited supply of easily offended, extremely verbose, highly ethical bisexuals out there looking for love. Fuck each other!
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