Hey, Everybody:

I’m still on vacation–like I’m a goddamned Euro-three-weeks-paid-holiday-pean or something. Here’s another clit-notes column, and next week–tan, rested, and ready–I’ll be back with a 100 percent brand-spankin’-new sex-advice column.

Hey, Faggot:

“Bill” and I have been lovers on and off for five years. Lately we’ve been having troubles in bed. Basically, I was having a lot of trouble having an orgasm through our usual sex play, and I wanted to incorporate my vibrator into our sex life. Bill refused to use a vibrator, saying it would take my attention away from him. Finally, out of sheer desperation, I told him that I had been faking most of my orgasms, and that while I enjoyed making love to him, a vibrator was necessary for me to achieve satisfaction. His response? “That’s not something I’m really interested in doing–this is more about you, not about me.”

Coincidentally your article came out two days later. Knowing that Bill reads your column regularly and respects your opinion, I thought I would send it to him with the relevant portions highlighted.

I’ll briefly sum up Bill’s response. In a six-page letter, he not only denied that the article had anything to do with our sex life, but also got personal: “I don’t like the way you kiss, I never have”; he hinted that it would be easier to reach my clit during intercourse if I lost some weight; he doesn’t like the way my pussy tastes/smells; he was only eating me because he didn’t want to upset me; I need major therapy; and he told me not to call him again. He also threw in two “fuck you’s” for good measure. After a five-and-a-half-year relationship, I thought he would do better than hurl the same generic insults that men have been hurling at women since time immemorial. My question for you, Dan, is this: Is this sort of rejection typical when breeder boys are confronted with a woman who has the self-esteem to say what she needs and expects to get? Should I prepare myself for a lifetime of solitary orgasms?

–Tuna Crotch

Hey, TC:

His defensiveness and hostility probably have a lot to do with his feeling humiliated by your long-running deceit. Five years is an awful long time to let some poor schmo think he’s been making you come. To abruptly inform him that he has not, in actual fact, been making you come lo these many years in order to win an argument about a vibrator might have come across as a little mean-spirited.

But what’s past is past. You needn’t settle for a lifetime of solitary orgasms in the future, however. With any and all new partners, incorporate the vibrator into your sex play right away, and refrain from faking orgasms or, for that matter, ticking off sexual shortcomings during arguments.

Hey, Faggot:

Now I’ve heard it all! A nice gay guy explaining female sexuality! Sorry, but as a mature, sexually active woman, I have to say that you got it wrong. Yes, Dan, there is such a thing as a vaginal orgasm. Remember Freud and his mature (vaginal) and immature (clitoral) female orgasms?

But how would I know? I don’t read Cosmo as a source for sexual information, and I’ve had both clitoral and vaginal orgasms for as long as I can remember. They even feel different: clitoral less intense than vaginal. Just thought you’d like to know.

–Been There, Done That

Hey, BTDT:

Now I’ve heard it all: a “mature, sexually active woman” who gets her info about female sexuality from Freud! FYI: when it comes to pussy, Freud had his pointy head stuffed up his tight Austrian ass. Regardless of what cigar-chomping proto-shrinks might have believed in the long-ago-far-away, there is only one type of female orgasm: clitoral orgasms, which can be achieved directly or indirectly.

Your “vaginal,” or indirect clitoral, orgasms may be more intense for any number of reasons–greater level of psychological arousal, for instance–but they are not any more “mature” than orgasms derived from direct clitoral stimulation. Physiologically they are exactly the same!

Don’t believe me–after all, I’m a man, what do I know about Freud? Here’s what Kate Cummings, your fellow female, gal about town, and professor of something or other at a large state university had to say: “Freud is viewed differently by different people. Feminists with no sense of humor get upset: ‘What right does this man have to talk about women’s bodies? And he gets it all wrong!’ Those with a sense of humor find his observations amusing. But no one takes him seriously. He’s the worst on gender–Freud knew nothing about female sexuality.” Look at you, BTDT: you’re a dope! And you make fun of me for reading Cosmo.

Hey, Faggot:

Thank you! Your reply to Brooklyn was brilliant! I have never seen the question answered so clearly! Women all around the country are turning on their copy machines and sending it to lovers past and present. This ignorance, without a doubt, is the major obstacle to satisfying sex for women. Now guys, just because you know a little more about the hot button’s role, don’t treat it like a f—–g doorbell. Finesse, finesse. Overstimulation breeds insensitivity!

–A Grateful Woman

Hey, AGW:

Thank you for having the courtesy to render the above cussword with dashes, thereby sparing my delicate sensibilities the sight of a loathsome profanity. The amount of filthy talk I’m subjected to reading my mail is not to be believed. Your thoughtfulness is appreciated.

Hey, Faggot:

I don’t know whether to kiss you or kick your ass.

My girlfriend stuck your clit column under my pillow. I read it and we talked about her need for “additional clitoral stimulation,” as you put it. So now I’m doing all I can to see that she gets hers, as per your instructions. I’d never seen your column until she showed it to me, and I don’t have any interest in ever seeing it again. I’m not used to taking orders from fags, especially when it comes to pussy, but things are much happier in the sack since we “shared” your letter.

Thanks, I think.

–Big-Time Breeder

Hey, BTB:

You’re welcome, I think.

Hey, Faggot:

Fortunately for me, my current partner spent his high school and college years fornicating with women who taught him how to make them come while fucking–not by using his tongue and fingers, but just his five-and-a-half-inch white-ass penis.

As you mentioned at the end of your response, the angle is the answer. My boyfriend positions his hips close to my belly button. His penis gets much closer to my clit. I slowly or quickly buck or rock my hips so that when he’s coming up, I’m going down. My clit rubs against the root of his penis and–orgasm! It takes an amazingly short time.


Hey, J:

The position you describe–him riding high–may work for you and many other women, but it is not a sure thing for all women. Much depends on the angle of your clit, whether your clit sits high or low. You’re lucky to have a clit angled in such a way that altering the angle of penetration makes all the difference. But for most women, no amount of angle play will result in enough prolonged, direct clitoral stimulation to produce an orgasm. But it’s worth a whirl, girls.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.