Hey, Faggot:

I’m a single guy in my mid-30s. I love women and have always enjoyed sex with women. For the last seven or eight years, I’ve had the idea that I might be bi. I’ve never been attracted to any specific man, but occasionally I’m curious. During this time I’ve had about a dozen experiences with men that I’ve met in personal ads or in bars. When I’m with men I feel very uncomfortable. I can’t kiss a man, and I can’t enjoy the sexual encounters.

Then last year I met this woman–smart, funny, beautiful, and open-minded. After we dated a few months, I started to feel very strongly for her. We were always very honest, so I told her about my bi curiosity. I half hoped she would dump me so I wouldn’t have to deal with my growing feelings. Instead she was supportive, talked with me, and tried to understand. Then she pulled a strap-on out of the drawer and gave me the best fuck of my life.

This continued for many months and was wonderful. After we’d been together for about a year, it became clear that she was interested in settling down. It had also crossed my mind. But I knew there were other people in the world, and I still thought I might be bi. So I let her know that I wasn’t ready to settle down. Without a fight, without any harsh words, she set me free with a kiss and a smile. She said she’d always love me. It’s been about six months, and I haven’t been able to really “be” with anyone else. I go out with someone or pick someone up, and the whole time I’m thinking, “It’s just not her.” I see her around and she just looks better and better to me. She’s started seeing someone else and it’s driving me crazy. How can I know what I want if I don’t window-shop some more? How can I window-shop if it seems all the windows are covered with pictures of her?

–Indecisive Loser

Hey, IL:

It may be too late to put this on the table, but did the open-relationship option even occur to you? It works for the Clintons–up to a point–so why not for you? Had you thought of it, and if she were into the idea of sharing you, you could have settled down with Miss Wonderful and still have been able to “know” some of those other people in the world, including male people. If she’s open to having a bisexual boyfriend–even if he isn’t very good at it–and into strap-on dildos, odds are pretty good she would have been open to a full-blown open relationship, or at least an occasional three-way. If you didn’t think to suggest this, you really blew it. Hang on to the next non-biphobic girl you meet, especially one who’s into plowing your ass for you, cuz girls like that are much in demand: judging from my mail, there are a lot of guys out there looking for girls like the one you let get away. Before you start looking for her sexual twin, let her know that you’ve seen the error of your ways and that if things don’t work out with the guy she’s plowing now, you’re willing to stick that ass of yours back in the air for her.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 28-year-old female who works in the financial services industry. Long story short: MEN ARE PIGS. My boss (married with kids) and I had a sexual encounter in our offices after a night out drinking with the folks from work. The sex continued once or twice a week for a while, always at the office. The SOB was too cheap to pay for a room. As a joke, during one of our sessions on top of a bitch in accounting’s desk, I asked him to come in my hand. I took the sperm and wiped it on the mouthpiece of her phone, telling him he could now take comfort in knowing that the accounting bitch was blowing him every time she answered her phone.

Well, the “sperm wipe” became the only way he wanted to finish up our office sex sessions. It was a game for him, and anything and everything in that office was in play–not even plant leaves were safe. After about six weeks, I met someone else and cut the boss off. Guess what? Now my boss just stays late and masturbates. The game continues for him. How do I know? He drops by my office to give me location updates–where in the office he made his most recent “deposit.” I think I’ve created a monster. I’ve suggested that he stop ASAP before he gets caught and loses his job, but really I’m just sick of hearing about it. Any suggestions on getting him to stop?

–What Have I Done?

Hey, WHID:

If what your boss is doing makes all mankind pigs, then what do you make all womankind? You were banging a married man and settling for sex in the office, and the sperm-wipe “game” you find so offensive now was your idea to begin with. You fed his piggishness, which makes you pig slop, I guess. Long story short: if your boss’s behavior makes all men pigs, your behavior makes all women slop. But here’s what you can do to get him to stop: The next time he drops by your office to let you know where he left his most recent deposit, tape-record the conversation. Then mail the tape to Kenneth Starr, 655 15th Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20005. Once Dan, Tom, Peter, Ted, Sam, and Cokie are on the story, your boss won’t have time to jerk off.

Hey, Faggot:

What, oh what, Mr. Savage, are clit grapes?


Hey, G:

Clit grapes are a bumpy silicone sex toy you can attach to an adjustable cock ring. Position the grapes at 12 o’clock, and when your cock is all the way in her puss they’ll rest right over her clit. Then you can grind ’em against your lady friend, providing her with the extra clit stimulation she needs in order to achieve orgasm during vaginal intercourse.

Hey, Faggot:

I have heard there is an alternate means of male masturbation. That is, jerking off from the testicles rather than the usual shaft-stroking way of doing it. Have you heard this to be true? If so, how does one go about it? Can orgasm be reached readily enough?

–A Conventional Jack-Off Artist


I’ve heard that there practice called ball-tuggin’, and while some men claim they have orgasms this way, I’ve yet to run across one who could prove it. Considering the usual sources–mostly tantric woo-hoo types who also claim they have half-hour-long orgasms, they can levitate, blah blah blah–I’m inclined to believe ball-tuggin’ orgasms are a load of bullshit. Of course, having yer balls tugged–grip scrot, gently pull, repeat–feels pretty good whether it alone can make you come or not, so you might as well give it a shot. Or try to. If you discover that you actually can have an orgasm this way, be sure and send me a videotape. I’ll forward a copy to Ken Starr.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.