Hey, Faggot:

I’m a married male in my late 20s. My wife fulfills me in every way except the sexual department. She is just not as adventurous as I am. Not too long ago I realized that the personal ads have a lot to offer an adventurous person like me. I’ve seen ads from couples looking for a male to pleasure the female partner and females looking for encounters with married men–both of which interest me! Here is my dilemma: I don’t want to get mixed in with professionals or anyone that has been around the block. What would you suggest for a guy like me who wants to be adventurous but also wants to play the game safe?

–Adventurous in NY

Hey, AINY:

You wanna have adventures–cheat on wife, have three-ways–but you’re uncomfortable having your adventures with anyone who’s had too many adventures of her own (a professional or a girl who’s “been around the block”). Isn’t that a bit of a double standard? Just because you’re in bed with a whore doesn’t mean you can’t “play the game safe.” You can protect yourself from professionals by refusing to pay. A pro usually asks for cash up front. When she does, say no, head for the door, and pray she wasn’t wearing a wire. Since nothing happened, that round was completely “safe.”

An amateur–a girl who’s been around the block–won’t charge, but she might lie. She may claim she’s never done this sort of thing before, or, if you’re having a three-way with a couple, they may tell you they’ve been tested for everything and have a clean bill of health. Don’t believe ’em. When you’re whoring around–especially when you’ve got an unsuspecting spouse at home–assume everyone you nail is infected with everything. Then take all necessary precautions: if you use condoms, avoid swallowing pussy juice, and don’t drink her blood, you will have effectively eliminated your risk for most of the really scary stuff (HIV, syph, gon) and minimized your risk for the moderately scary stuff (herps, warts, chlam).

Finally, AINY, I feel your pain. My last two serious boyfriends were sexually adventurous, and both were into three-ways. But when I met my current BF, my three-way days ended. Despite my best attempts at emotional blackmail (“I won’t love you anymore unless we have a three-way”) and bribery (“I won’t buy you that Lexus unless we have a three-way”), my BF has held firm. I can have him or I can have three-ways, but I can’t have both.

Then last week, watching the Olympics, out of nowhere my BF says, “We could have a three-way if Ross Rebagliati was our third.” Ross, for those of you who’ve been sitting in smoke-filled rooms for the last two weeks, is the blond-haired, blue-eyed, gold-medal-winning Canadian snowboarder whose drug test came back positive for marijuana–which Ross claims he was exposed to secondhand at a party. The BF promised that, should we ever meet Ross and by some smoke-filled miracle he’s into it, we can finally have that three-way I’ve always wanted. As it’s unlikely we would find ourselves in a room with Ross by accident, I’m taking this opportunity to invite Ross down for a visit. Ross, honey: Anytime you wanna come for a visit, I’ll make sure there’s plenty of secondhand smoke around. And since there’s no way to test for traces of three-ways in your system, you won’t get busted by those squares on the Olympic committee. Whadayasay?

Hey, Faggot:

I am a happily married, healthy woman. My problem? My libido sucks, and it always has. I recently heard that being on birth control pills can affect this–should I stop using them? I’ve been on the pill our entire relationship, except for the first two months, when we shagged all the time. Please advise.

–Libidoless Babe

Hey, LB:

Your libido hasn’t always sucked–the sucking started (or stopped) after you went on the pill. And, according to Anna at Aradia Women’s Health Center in Seattle, “a change in libido can sometimes be attributed to the pill. Progesterone excess is the usual culprit.” All birth control pills contain progestins, synthetic versions of the natural hormone progesterone. If you go on the pill and your libido goes down the tubes, switch to a brand with lower levels of progesterone. If you can’t find a pill that doesn’t leave you libidoless, there are plenty of other birth control options available to you, listed here in ascending order of effectiveness: abstinence, condoms, diaphragms, lesbianism, falling down stairs, picking up pianos, anal sex, oral sex, phone sex, and suicide. Find the one that works for you and stick with it. (Lesbianism used to be higher on the list, but with so many dykes getting knocked up these days, it doesn’t appear to be as effective a birth control method as it once was.)

Oh, in case Ross is, like, straight or something, my BF agreed to a three-way with silver-medal-winning snowboarder Thomas Prugger, of Italy. Also a babe. Thomas, honey: Wow, hai vianto la medaglia d’argento! La prossima volta che sei in America, fatti vivo! Gradiremmo avere un inconpro a tre! Sei circonciso? Vero?

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a heterosexual female and have always considered myself to be sexually adventurous. My boyfriend recently asked if he could place fruit in my vagina, and I agreed. The first time, he ate the fruit for breakfast! It was so arousing he came back for seconds! But after that first experience, my boyfriend has started doing some things I am unsettled by. He takes the fruit and puts it in the refrigerator after we’re done. He says he likes to let it “marinate,” and eats the fruit when he gets home from work. Yesterday I came home and he and his buddies were happily eating my creamed fruit. Why would they all want to eat my creamed fruit? Will men do anything to get pussy juice?


Hey, C:

Your letter has the whiff of a 13-year-old boy about it, but just in case your problem is for real: my hypothesis is that your boyfriend didn’t inform his buddies of the provenance of the fruit cocktail he served them. To test my hypothesis, I asked a few straight boys around the office if they would “happily” eat fruit “creamed” for them by some other guy’s girlfriend. Responses ran the gamut from “No” to “Hell no” to “Fuck no.” It would appear that not all straight men will “do anything to get pussy juice.” My hunch is that your boyfriend, if he exists, derived a secret thrill watching his friends eat fruit marinated in your thick syrup. To prevent it from happening again, limit your boyfriend to packing in only what he can eat out in one sitting (you on his face, I mean).

Finally, in case Thomas is straight too, my BF agreed to a three-way with bronze-medal-winning snowboarder Ueli Kestenholz of Switzerland. Also a babe. Ueli, honey: Da hast du also eine Bronze-Medaille gewonnen, du heisser Hengst! Mšchtest du Sex mit mir und meinem Freund haben? Bei deinem nŠchsten Besuch, schau’ mal bei uns rein, du reizendes schweizer FrŠulein!

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.