Hey, Faggot:

Surfing my favorite adult Web site, I came across some photos that blew me away: a labia pierced with studs. I showed it to my wife, and she said she would have her lips studded if I got my penis done. I have heard that priests in ancient India had jewels sewn into their penises in order to enhance their partners’ pleasure. I think it would be cool to have a ribbed cock, and maybe a little bulb at the base to really grind her hot spot! What should we be careful of when we have our genitals studded? –Heavy Metal

Hey, HM:

Somehow I managed to get through this needle-happy decade without acquiring a tiny tattoo, a modest piercing, or even a piddling heroin addiction. Quite an accomplishment, considering I lived with a professional tattoo artist for a small chunk of this decade, once had a boyfriend with a pierced dick, and heroin came back in style just as I was beginning to make enough money to afford an expensive hobby. But though I’ve witnessed dozens of piercings–including labia piercings–and nearly had a tooth knocked out by a Prince Albert, I must confess I’m not what you’d call an expert on the subject.

Mad Jack and Arthur, on the other hand, are what you’d have to call experts. They work at Body Basics, a tattoo and piercing parlor in Chicago. “Women with pierced labia, clits, and clit hoods, and men with Prince Alberts, ampallangs, frenums, or dydoes are much more common than you could imagine,” Mad Jack informed me when I shared your letter with him. He was thrilled you were able to appreciate the beauty of genital piercing without first having to pass through the “JESUS CHRIST! THAT MUST HAVE HURT!” stage. “And it’s great that he and his mate plan to do this at the same time.”

Any qualified piercer should be able to perform the labia piercings your wife wants. Arthur suggests rings during her healing period, not barbells. “I say barbell assuming that what he saw in those pictures were barbells and not ear-piercing studs. I hope the woman in the picture did not have ear-piercing studs in her labia!”

What you want done to your penis–jewels or knobby bits of stainless steel implanted under the skin–will be harder to arrange. “That’s called a subincision implantation,” said Mad Jack, a more advanced body modification than your run-of-the-mill dick piercing. “Implantations in the penis have been done in India, Africa, and Japan for hundreds of years. It’s not a real difficult procedure, but if he is serious about wanting this done, he should get a couple of regular piercings first to see if he likes the feeling. Subincision is not to be taken lightly, as you can’t just remove the jewelry if you decide it’s not for you.”

“Another option,” added Arthur, “would be for him to get a number of shaft piercings that run the length of his penis. After they heal, he can wear barbells in the piercings. The balls on the barbells would be exposed, and they would rub, nub, and tickle his wife’s fancy.”

According to Arthur, the most important things to be careful of when looking for a piercer are “sterility, cleanliness, and technique. The studio where you choose to get your jewels bejeweled and your wife’s lips lined must have an autoclave sterilizing machine that is regularly spore tested on the premises.” Look for artists with training and experience, and don’t be afraid to grill ’em. “They should give information on the care and aftercare of your piercing,” said Arthur, “and they should also be there for you in the future if a problem should arise.”

Check out Body Basics’ Web site (www.bodybasics.com), or call 773-404-5838 for an appointment. Body Basics is located at 613 W. Briar (near Belmont and Broadway), Chicago, IL 60657.

Hey, Faggot:

I am 21 years old, gay, a virgin, and will be in the closet till God knows when. I masturbate to wrestling tapes–it’s like my brand of porn. The winner does nothing for me. The loser becomes my fantasy. It’s a huge turn-on to watch a guy in trunks get pinned. I like to look at the expression on his face once he’s pinned–his embarrassment in front of other people and his family is another part of the turn-on for me. Something about a guy submitting and lying on the mat for the count of three is so arousing that I have to jerk off. What does this fetish mean? –HH

Hey, HH:

What does this fetish mean? Well, it means wrestling turns you on. You’re excited by the expression on the face of the loser as he’s pinned, his humiliation in front of family and friends, his submission on the mat–you seem to have a pretty good understanding of what your fetish means and why wrestling turns you on. If you’re asking me whether your fetish has any deeper meaning, the answer is no. There’s nothing mystical, transcendent, or existential about your kinks or anyone else’s. A kink’s a kink.

And your kink, HH, is not all that uncommon–especially among gay men. In all honesty, your virginity and your closetedness are much more freakish than your thing for wrestling–if you weren’t a chickenshit closet case you would know this. There are plenty of other guys who feel the same way you do about pinning and mats and singlets and those little canvas bootees. You can safely and anonymously connect with like-minded pervs on the Internet.

Here are a few wrasslin’ sites I recommend: Mat Links (www.ozemail.com.au/heydude/mat); Gay Wrestling Personal Ad Site (www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/4536); the Gay Site of Amateur Wrestling (www.inx.de/-mitch/gwrestl1.shtml). And in case you’re running out of jerk-off material, BG East Wrestling (www.bgeast.com) sells gay wrestling videos.

Hey, Faggot:

When a man ejaculates, does the sperm come from one or both testicles?

–Interplanet Janet

Hey, Janet:

Ejaculation 101: Sperm are those little swimming tadpoles you sometimes see on PBS. A man’s ejaculate is almost all seminal fluid–not to be confused with sperm. Sperm and seminal fluid are formed in different parts of the male reproductive system, mixed in still another locale, then shot onto/into a willing partner or latex barrier. Spermatogenesis (sperm production) occurs in the seminiferous tubules inside each of the testes–are you with me?–and once produced, sperm are stored in the epididymis, a sort of sperm holding cell attached to the rear of each testicle. The two epididymides converge to form the vas deferens. In the vas, sperm is mixed with secretions, or seminal fluid, from the seminal vesicles and prostate gland. This delightful mixture is then gathered in the ejaculatory duct. When orgasm occurs, muscular contractions force the semen into the urethra and then out into the wider world.

So, in a nutshell: sperm production occurs in both testes; sperm from both testes are mixed with fluids from other various and sundry glands and vesicles and then ejaculated. Testes do not take turns. For more information about the responsible use of semen, visit the American Family Association of Michigan’s Web site (www.afamich.com).

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.