Hey, Faggot:

I recently visited New York City and had a wonderful time visiting two straight SM clubs: the Vault and Hellfire. While I think of myself as a regular guy, I was tempted to participate. Unfortunately my vacation had to end, and I returned home to Chicago. I’ve lived here my entire life and can’t find a club like the Vault or Hellfire. Are there any straight SM clubs in Chicago? Where are they? I never would have thought I could have had such a good time at places like this, but I did! Now I miss it! –No Fun in Chicago

Hey, NFIC:

There are SM clubs in Chicago, but they’re private, members-only social clubs, not commercial establishments like New York City’s Vault or Hellfire. To attend a private club’s play party, you’ll have to join the club, won’t you? One you might wanna check out is the Chicagoland Discussion Group (773-281-1097), “a pansexual adult education and play group focusing on safe, sane, and consensual BDSM.” CDG has regular monthly meetings, publishes a newsletter, and hosts occasional dungeon parties. Before you attend one of CDG’s meetings, though, there’s something you’ll need to ask yourself: Do you like Swedish food? You’d better, as CDG meets at…Ann Sather restaurant on Belmont. (For those of you who don’t know, Ann Sather is a homey, 53-year-old Swedish establishment.)

If you grew up eating Ann Sather cinnamon rolls, learning that a BDSM club now meets there is kinda distressing. While Ann Sather is in a queerish neighborhood, and Ann herself several years ago sold her restaurant to Tom Tunney, a gay guy, Ann Sather still has a mom-and-pop kinda vibe. Families go after church, gay boys take their moms on Mother’s Day, little old ladies sip iced tea and read the papers. Ann Sather just isn’t an SM, FF, CBT, TT kinda restaurant! (Zum Deutschen Eck on Southport, however…)

So how is it that–even as I write these words–CDG is holding a class on electrogenital torture in the Norwegian banquet room at Ann Sather? “We actually have quite a few SM groups that meet here,” manager Donna Class informed me when I called to complain. “They come in and discuss whatever they come here to discuss. CDG meets in a private room; they’re not bothering anyone.” Does the Norwegian room have a dungeon motif? “No. It’s all Nordic looking. Rustic wood, blue and white stencils, and hand-painted murals. Not really a dungeon at all. And it’s on the second floor.” Have any unsuspecting little old ladies wandered into the Norwegian room during a bondage demo and had a stroke? “No. That hasn’t happened.” Does the CDG ever cause trouble–has the management ever caught CDGers spankin’ the waiters? “No, that hasn’t happened either! I know you’re looking for dish, but there just isn’t any. The CDG folks look like normal, everyday Chicagoans, and conduct themselves accordingly. When they’re amongst us regular folks, they act like regular folks.” And once they close the door to the Norwegian room, how do these “regular folks” conduct themselves? “Let’s just say that I’ve never heard any spanking and leave it at that.”

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 24-year-old African-American female, and I’ve been completely dickless for about a year. I’ve been involved with a gentleman for four months, but without any physical contact. I’m ready to take that step and fuck his brains out, but before I do I want to live out a fantasy of mine. I want to have sex with a big, busty, sexy female for the first time in my life. She has to be beautiful and have big breasts. I have been thinking about this forever. Could you give me some clue on whether or not I should go ahead and do this, and how? Where would I meet this beautiful, sexy lady? It must be discreet–one time only.

–Need This

Hey, NT:

When needs are specific, time is short, discretion a must, and availability–emotionally speaking–is limited, I typically suggest folks seek professional help. In cases like yours, finding an amateur who meets your specs and is willing to make your one-night-only fantasy a reality would be a near impossibility. You may be able to pull it off, but it will take a lot of time–perhaps more time than you can fairly ask your man friend to wait. Employing an escort or taking a quick trip to Nevada would be a more efficient way to make your dreams come true.

Just between us girls, NT, lots of female sex workers are dykes, many more are bi, and even the straight ones can be had by other women. Hopefully I’m not shattering anyone’s dearly held illusions, but most sex workers do sex work for the money. And your money is as green as any other creep’s money. Don’t bother looking for dyke escort ads, as they don’t exist; just call up women whose ads, while directed at men, also turn your crank. Lady sex workers I’ve known were usually thrilled to schedule meetings with female clients. Go for it.

Hey, Faggot:

My lady friend has genital herpes and a small dog. When things happen at the spur of the moment, the dog is not always put out of the bedroom. Sometimes in the middle of our passion, her dog will jump up on the bed and stick his snout between her legs, which we quickly discourage. Could the dog catch herpes this way? –Concerned

Hey, C:

According to Dr. Kris Boudreaux, a vet who works in Seattle, your girlfriend’s pooch is in no danger of contracting herpes. “As far as anyone knows, there is no interspecies transmission of different herpes viruses,” Dr. Kris told me. While dogs do get herpes, they only get doggie herpes, and never human herpes. “There has been a fair amount of research done in this area, and it seems as though the different herpes are species specific. No human to dog, cat to human, cat to dog” transmissions have been documented.

Hey, Faggot:

Your response to Sad & Demoralized, the married woman with teenage children whose husband wants sex more often than she does, was utterly unhelpful. First you acknowledge that sex and marriage are about compromise, then suggest that the ways a couple should “compromise” are (a) get divorced now, or (b) stay married but let the husband take a lover. How about the rest of the alphabet, like (c) get counseling from someone who has a clue what marriage really means, and (d) realize that her husband needs sex just as much as she needs space. There are any number of real compromises they could make that don’t involve copping out. What lessons would their kids take away from your options–that the way to end a disagreement is to give up, and a relationship that needs hard work is too much trouble? Those are not good lessons.

–Married in Manhattan

Hey, MIM:

The last time I checked with a marriage counselor, the rap went something like this: for a couple to work through major badness, both partners have to be willing to work. It seemed clear to me that S&D wasn’t interested in putting any work into her marriage. So I stand by my utterly unhelpful advice, but here’s your advice in case S&D wants a second opinion.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.