Hey, Faggot:

I am a straight man aroused by manicures. Ever since I can remember, women’s hands have been the primary focus of my erotic attention. I am fascinated by trends in nail design, such as the shift from the pointy red tips on the World War II-era pinup girls (think Jean Harlow) to the trendy-trashy short black nails worn by Gen X chicks (think Jenna Elfman on Dharma & Greg).

When my wife was pregnant and found intercourse difficult, she would put on the polish and jack me off when her nails dried. It was the most fun I ever had! But now my wife is not interested in fulfilling my fantasies, especially my ultimate fantasy: she paints her nails and jacks me off in a booth at the local diner. (I love it when women do their nails in public places!)

My questions: Are there other outlets for my fetish, such as beauty school courses or trade magazines for manicurists that I could subscribe to? Do you know of a salon in San Francisco that would give me a sexy manicure even though I am otherwise very masculine? I would probably love the curious attention from the ladies and the opportunity to chat about nails with the manicurists. After all, they are probably the only people who have studied nails almost as much as I have!

–Hand Man

Hey, HM:

“Men can get manicures at just about any salon,” said Patrick Green, the sweet and helpful admissions director at Miss Marty’s School of Beauty and Hairstyling in downtown San Francisco. “He shouldn’t be shy about making an appointment. More men are having manicures these days. Manicures have become an executive thing.” An executive thing? “Yes. Executives have to project a professional image, and manicured nails really help.” Really. “Companies are even making male nail polish these days,” Patrick continued. “Urban Decay and Hard Candy both make nail polishes in colors like steel gray and army green.” But before you go in for a manicure and butch polish, you better shop around. “Some salons can be very pricey, charging up to $75 for a full manicure,” warned Patrick. And why pay more when you can get your nails done at Miss Marty’s School of Beauty for just $6? “All the work is supervised, and the quality is very high.”

If you’re serious about taking a class, you can enroll at Miss Marty’s. “We have many men who study here,” said Patrick. “Most of the men are from places in Asia. They come to this country, and they’re looking for jobs that don’t require much in the way of English language skills.” Patrick doesn’t recommend you attempt to make a career of manicuring, however. “Many of the men in our program already have jobs lined up before they arrive in this country. Otherwise, it can be hard to make a living at it. The market is just so saturated with immigrants, and so many are willing to work below minimum wage, that the average person can’t make enough money to really live on.” (Foreign manicurists stealing American jobs? Alert Pete Wilson!) Miss Marty’s manicuring course costs $1,650, and meets eight hours a day for 12 weeks; the fee includes all equipment and supplies. You’re welcome to take the course as many times as you like, “so long as you’re willing to pay us again,” said Patrick. “But I can’t imagine why anyone would want to take the class more than once.” When I informed him that your interest in manicures was entirely prurient, Patrick told me that you were welcome to repeat the course as often as you like so long as you maintain a professional demeanor. “What he does in the privacy of his own home after class, well, that’s none of our business, is it?”

As for trade mags, Patrick recommends Nailpro, put out by the same company responsible for Modern Salon and other beauty industry mags. “These publications are not available to the general public,” Patrick cautioned me. “They are simply not for sale at newsstands.” That may be true, but any ol’ manicure fetishist can visit Nailpro on-line (www.nailpro.com). You can fill out an E-mail form, and for just $24.95, a boner-inducing issue of Nailpro will be stuffed in your mailbox every month for a whole year.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a nineteen-year-old female virgin. Recently I have been experiencing nauseating lower abdominal pains and pinkish red discharge. I’ve heard that these are symptoms of cervical cancer, which is caused by sexual activity, but like I said, I’m a virgin. I’ve never been to a gynecologist. Do you have any idea what the problem could be? –Worried

Hey, W:

Your letter is postmarked April 10. If you’re still alive, put this paper down and go see a doctor. While sexual activity can increase your risk of developing cervical cancer, sex doesn’t cause cervical cancer. And you don’t have to be sexually active to get it–even virgins can get cervical cancer. Not that you necessarily have cervical cancer: right at the top of the symptoms list for cervical cancer is painless vaginal bleeding, with discharge and painful intercourse as first and second runners-up. So lower abdominal pain would indicate that, whatever it is that’s making you sick, it probably isn’t cervical cancer. However, the only way you’ll find out what is making you sick is to haul your ass to a gynecologist, stick your feet in the stirrups, and–like all women should–get your annual Pap smear. If you don’t have a doc, and don’t know where to go, call Planned Parenthood at 800-230-PLAN and they can give you a referral. Provided, of course, that you aren’t already dead.

Hey, Faggot:

Talking with my sister and dad about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, it became apparent that neither understood exactly what “oral sex” meant. After I clued them in, they were completely disgusted. My dad went on about how there might have been “pee-pee” left on Clinton, and my sister said the idea of putting a man’s penis in her mouth was revolting. Anyway, that conversation got me wondering: what percentage of women enjoy sucking dick? I can’t be the only one. –CR

Hey, CR:

If you think you’re the only woman out there who likes sucking dick, you’re as clueless as your sister and your old man. You have lots of company. According to a national study of sexual behavior by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, fully 57 percent of straight women between the ages of 18 and 45 found the idea of performing oral sex on a man “somewhat” or “very appealing,” while 43 percent found it “not appealing” or “not at all appealing.” You, and not your squeamish little sister, are safely in the mainstream. And considering that this study was conducted before anyone knew who Matt Damon was, we can safely assume the number of women who find the idea of performing oral sex appealing would be even higher if the study were conducted today.

Confidential to Gus:

Dating a woman five years your senior–especially one who enjoys so sterling a reputation–is not something you, or any young man lucky enough to be so well endowed as you claim to be, needs to worry about. Give my regards to the rest of the kids at the University Programming Lab.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.