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Hey, Faggot:

I want to ask you to please NOT PRINT this letter. Help me out here, seriously. I’m a straight male who’s been told I should be a model. When I look through magazines, judging from other so-called models, I don’t think I’d have any problems. Thing is, I desperately want to pose nude–that’s right, he said NUDE–in adult porno mags with hot women like those who grace the pages of Hustler and Cheri. I was wondering if you could find out how I would go about pursuing this. I want to be paid to pose naked with beautiful women! This is a huge fantasy of mine! Thanks a lot!

–Name Withheld

Hey, NW:

Both Hustler and Cheri are brought to us by the good folks at Larry Flynt Publishing Inc. in Los Angeles. Where do they get male models for their coed photo spreads? “Usually the models contact me directly, though I do deal with some talent agencies,” said Laura, talent coordinator for Hustler. Laura, like Madonna, has no last name. How do men contact her? “There’s a phone number listed in the magazine, and guys call. I tell them to mail in photos. They don’t have to be professional models, or have professional photos–Polaroids are fine.” What does Hustler look for in a male model? “Mr. Flynt is looking for guys who aren’t built too big. We want nice bodies on the slender side. It’s a guys’ magazine, and Mr. Flynt feels that if the guys are too built, normal guys who read the magazine won’t be able to relate to them.”

Does Laura get photos from folks who no one, under any circumstances, would EVER wanna see naked? “Yes. Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking! I send them their photos back with a letter.” What does the letter say? “You’re too ugly for Hustler?” “No, we try to be nice. The letter says, ‘Sorry, but we can’t use you at this time.'”

What’s the money like? “For a boy-girl photo session, the models get $1,200, and the shoot takes about five hours.” What about anonymity: Does Hustler use models who don’t want their faces shown? After all, you’re a guy who didn’t want his anonymous letter printed in the paper–you probably don’t want your face seen in Hustler either. “No, we can’t use models who don’t want their faces seen. There have been layouts where the guy’s face wasn’t shown, but it’s not up to the model.” After the shoot, Larry Flynt Publishing Inc. owns all the photos, for all time, and ol’ man Flynt can do what he wants with them. He can put your puss on the cover, on the Internet, on billboards, on cereal boxes–whatever. Something for you to think about, shy boy.

Since I had Laura on the phone, I felt compelled to ask her if she liked The People vs. Larry Flynt. “Oh, I loved it!” Does she enjoy working for the real Larry Flynt? “He’s a very nice man. This is such a good place to work. And I get to meet a lot of different people–and I get to see them naked.”

If you want Laura to see you naked, send pics to Laura, Talent Department, Larry Flynt Publishing Inc., 8484 Wilshire Boulevard, suite 900, Beverly Hills, CA 90211.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a woman who enjoys good sex. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for three months. He’s sweet, generous, and attentive, but he lacks an adventurous impulse when it comes to sex. My ex-boyfriend was perfect in that department. He introduced me to threesomes, pornos–he even bought me dildos of various sizes! I’m still having occasional sex with my ex. I’ve asked my current boyfriend if we could add things to our sex life. The most he’ll do is let me blindfold him. I’ve never told him about my past because he thinks sex should be about two people sharing a loving bond. Recently my ex asked if he could watch me having sex with someone. How do I get my current boyfriend to let my ex watch us have sex? –KC

Hey, KC:

Why are you afraid to tell your boyfriend about your past? (Not that your past is really past: here we are in the present, and you’re still pluggin’ away at your “ex.”) Tell him–what do you have to lose? Let’s say you tell your boyfriend about your desire for dildos, pornos, three-ways, and the occasional trysts with your ex. He’ll either dump you, or he’ll realize he needs to loosen up. Maybe if he knew how important your sexually adventurous impulses are to you, he’d make an effort to have one or two every now and again. Say, “Honey, I think sex is about two people sharing a loving bond too. But there are many ways to share a bond. For instance, tonight I’d like to bond with you while my ex-boyfriend watches.”

Hey, Faggot:

I was amused by the letter from the woman with the aversion to her man spooging on her face. I also noticed that she said everything was cool during foreplay. I’ll bet part of their foreplay involves him eating her pussy and getting her juices all over his face. I’ll also venture that she has no problem with that. So why isn’t she OK with getting his juices on her face?

I have the same problem in my relationship. I hear the same objections from my woman. But I’d just like to know this from other women out there reading: Is come really that nasty? And do you think that pussy juice tastes that wonderful? –Been There

Hey, BT:

Well, here’s your letter. If enough straight women care to reply to BT–Is come that nasty? Do you think pussy juice tastes wonderful? What do you think of guys who wanna come on your face?–I’ll run a splattering of their responses in an upcoming column. And, hey, guys who enjoy coming on their women’s faces–or their men’s faces–and wanna justify this turn-on are also welcome to write in.

Hey, Everybody:

I’m such a slacker! Here we are in week four of the AV era (After Viagra), and I haven’t written one stinking word about Pfizer’s miracle drug! For those living under the proverbial rock, Viagra gives men boners and makes women melt. And Viagra doesn’t just help the handicapped: reportedly it also enhances the experience for those with fully functional plumbing. While there are already whispers of serious side effects (another fen-phen in the making?), no one seems to care. In the interest of science, I begged a friend to Fed Ex me a blue miracle pill. I couldn’t get any where I live, but my lucky friend lives in San Francisco, where Mayor Willie Brown has personally gone door-to-door passing out bottles of Viagra to his grateful constituents. Now, I don’t need the drug, mind you. I get hard-ons all by myself–er, that’s not what I meant. I mean, when I need a hard-on, I get one–OK? And tonight, I need one: I’m gonna go home, take my meds, and jump the boyfriend. Tune in next week for a full report!

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.