Hey, Faggot:

Last September you advised a het couple talking about marriage to break up. You said it wasn’t going to work, as the male enjoyed everything about the female half EXCEPT having sex with her. My ex-fiance sent you that letter. As painful as it was, we took your advice and broke up. We have continued to share a house, mostly because we enjoy each other’s company.

This brings me to my current relationship, which I initiated soon after the worst of my grieving was over. For the last three months, I’ve been having playful, experimental, rough, and frequent sex with “Sappho.” I took the plunge with Sappho because I knew she was seeing someone else. I regarded her as a safe risk for my aching heart, someone I would not get attached to, as she was in an open relationship.

But I’ve become increasingly jealous of Sappho’s sexual connection with her boyfriend. While I don’t think monogamy is for everyone, I know it is for me. Now that I’m getting more serious about Sappho, I want her to break up with this other guy.

My options are threefold:

1. Get out of this relationship and hope that the sexual fires burn themselves out. But when I discuss this with Sappho, she gets upset–she feels this is unfair to her.

2. Compromise and have an exclusive three-way relationship. But the only way this would work out is if I change my feelings about monogamy, which I don’t think I can do.

3. Stick it out, which is what I’m currently doing.

I am writing to you because the advice you gave before was helpful. I would like an objective opinion about my situation and your advice on what I should do. –Lusty

Hey, L:

Your first mistake, if I may venture a criticism, was trying to get involved with someone “just a little.” It’s a common enough dope-on-the-rebound stratagem: Your heart hasn’t had a chance to work through the pain, but your crotch is ready for action. Too nervous to jump back in the deep end of the dating pool, you carefully wade into what you think is the shallow end. You meet someone who isn’t right for you, someone with major damage–a pro-lifer, a nudist, an MTV personality, a big slut–and you date this person. Why? Because it’s safe. You won’t–you can’t!–fall in love with this pro-life/bare-assed/MTV/slutty geek, so you won’t get hurt. And then, just as surely as dong follows ding, you fall in big, stupid, stinking rebound love.

As I see it, you have two options, not three: you can stay or you can go. If you stay, you pretty much have to accept whatever major damage you willingly overlooked back when you were trying to get in her pants. In situations like yours, you can try to force your partner to change, but she’s gonna say, “You knew I was pro-life/naked/Jesse Camp/a slut when you met me!” It’s not an easily countered argument.

Frankly, Lusty, it seems pretty clear that you aren’t happy with things as they are now. So I think you should go. Dump Sappho, and while you’re rebounding, try not to make the same mistake–don’t get involved with someone else “just a little”–until you are over her.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 17-year-old senior in high school. I thought I met the girl of my dreams. She has a great sense of humor, and we share lots of laughs. We have no trouble finding things we both enjoy doing together. And she shares my belief that we are not yet ready for sex.

So why did I say I “thought” she was the girl of my dreams? She told me she wants to spend two Sundays a month at a resort she goes to with her family. I am welcome to come, but this resort is a nudist camp. It bothers me that she wants to be naked in front of others. I find it hard to believe that a person who would allow herself to be seen naked by other guys my age really shares my views about chastity.

She assures me that nudity and sex are two different things and that the other teens at the resort are much more mature than guys at school. She will not break up with me if I refuse to go, but she’ll be disappointed. She is convinced I’ll enjoy swimming, sports, and other fun things in the nude, and if I go I will see that one can be naked and chaste at the same time. I don’t want to break up with her, but I don’t believe what she tells me about nudists. Is there any truth to what she says? What should I do? –Normal Guy

Hey, NG:

Buy yourself a copy of Naked, a collection of essays by David Sedaris, just released in paperback by Little, Brown. The final essay in the collection, “Naked,” will do much to set your mind at ease. After you read about Sedaris’s two weeks at a nudist camp–the people, the vibes, the curly pubic hairs stuck to everything–you’ll understand that not only is it possible to be naked and chaste in a nudist environment, the whole setup is so unsexy that it’s hardly possible to be anything else.

Everyone who goes to nudist camps seems to believe, just as your girlfriend does, that there’s nothing inherently sexy about being naked. Everyone buys into this premise, groupthink kicks in, and even though everyone’s naked, no one gets aroused. Then, from what I’ve been told, someone inevitably breaks out a volleyball. And if groups of people standing around naked is unsexy, just wait until you’ve seen 12 nudists playing volleyball. You’ll probably find keeping your lunch down harder work than maintaining your commitment to chastity.

Hey, Everybody:

Last week I promised I’d ingest that new miracle boner drug, fuck the boyfriend, and report back. If you’re wondering how my Viagra experience went, well, it was really neat. I liked it a lot. Um, the best part was when, er…when…oh, God! I CANNOT TELL A LIE! I DID NOT TAKE THE DRUG! I had a really busy week. I moved. My mom came to town for Mother’s Day. I have an eight-week-old baby at home. I don’t have my priorities in order. I’M A GEEK.

I mean, here I am, Mr. Sex Advice Columnist, and I haven’t tried Viagra–BUT BOB DOLE HAS! (Quick! Don’t picture Bob Dole with an erection!) According to the New York Times, Bob participated in Viagra’s FDA trials, which means he spent last year chasing Liddy “Sugar Lips” Dole around the Watergate Hotel, wagging a bone at her, with Liddy shrieking, “Hey, Bob, is that a pen in your hand, or are you just glad to see me?” the whole time! Truth be told, I did have time to take the drug on Sunday, but I just couldn’t get Bob Dole’s boner out of my head long enough to swallow the pill. We went and saw Deep Impact instead. But this week, I’ll take the drug and report back to you. I promise.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.