Hey, Faggot:
I am a 25-year-old mother of one, with another child on the way. I have been with the father of my unborn child for eight months. He is a great guy. He loves my daughter as if she was his own, and we are both very happy about the new baby. My problem is that our sex life sucks. When we first started going out we had sex almost every night. Now I’m lucky if we have sex twice a month.
I can’t remember the last time I got a kiss with tongue. When we do have sex, there’s no kissing, touching, or even foreplay–he just sticks it in. I’m only four months pregnant, and I’m not really showing much, so it can’t be that I’m getting too fat for him. I’m scared about what things will be like in years to come if this is happening now.
I love this man, and I know that he loves me, and he said he would marry me after the baby was born. But as much as I love him, I don’t think our marriage will work. I know sex isn’t the most important thing, but come on, I’m only human! I want to fix this problem, but I’m scared to talk to him about it.
–Sexless
Hey, S:
I don’t have an answer for you, but some questions of my own: Why are you pregnant? What was going on in your head when you decided to get or stay pregnant by someone you’d known for such a short time? Considering that this is child number two, you had to be aware of the cause-and-effect relationship between fucking and babies. So, were you using birth control? If not, why not? If you were, did you consider using emergency contraception when it failed? If you didn’t know your birth control had failed until it was too late for emergency contraception, did it occur to you that this might be a good time to exercise your constitutional right to a safe and legal abortion? For your own sake, I wish you had. Three or four months into a relationship, no one is ready to make a long-term, let’s-have-kids commitment. And, frankly, the rush to commit that this pregnancy forced on your relationship is, I’m thinking, at the bottom of your sex-life troubles. This relationship had a promising start–you enjoyed being together, you were sexually attracted to each other–then you got too pregnant too soon, and things started moving too fast.
So here’s what I think is up with your sex life: You got pregnant, he said he’d marry you, you stayed pregnant, and now he regrets it–both the pregnancy and the commitment he made under duress. He feels trapped, and regret is killing his desire. This is a pretty big mess you’re in, Sexless, and however hard it is to find the words, you two had better start talking. And not just about your sex life, but about the baby, the marriage, and whether you have a future together. Get it all on the table.
Hey, Faggot:
My most persistent and exciting fantasy is to see my girlfriend serviced by a group of horny studs. My girlfriend is excited about the possibility, but doesn’t want to be a “slut.” Where does this fantasy come from? I’m comfortable with the idea of doing this, but I still wonder if some deep sexual maladjustment or insecurity is at the root of this desire.
–Voyeur
Hey, V:
Sure, sure–some sexual maladjustment or insecurity is at the root of your kink, but so what? Insecurities and maladjustments are at the root of everyone’s kinks, so thank God for insecurities and maladjustments. Our sex lives–and my job–would be a lot duller without them. Figuring out what your kink-inducing insecurities and maladjustments might be won’t make them go away, so why waste time trying to figure ’em out?
If you’ve got a girlfriend willing to indulge your most persistent and exciting fantasies, you especially shouldn’t be wasting time wondering why they turn you on. This is the time to make ’em happen; when you’re single again or dating someone who isn’t as accommodating as your current girlfriend, you’ll have plenty of time to sit around wondering why. If the girlfriend can get over feeling like a slut–if she can think of herself as a female stud instead–then your most important task is to find a group of mutually acceptable horny studs. A girl willing to indulge the type of fantasy you describe is a rare and precious commodity. Don’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers!
Hey, Faggot:
What’s a good breath freshener to use apres fellatio? I don’t want to give the impression I don’t like it–au contraire, it’s one of my favorite things. It’s just that my boyfriend doesn’t want to taste or smell himself at all on my breath. This takes away from my other favorite things: kissing and cuddling. Any suggestions other than a commercial gargle?–A Girl With a Guy With a Sensitive Nose
Hey, AGWGWSN:
To mask the taste and smell of his cock on your breath, spend a few moments eating his ass after he’s had his orgasm. Once he’s finished, roll him over and bury your face between his cheeks. Not only is a long, luxurious rimming a nice way to say, “You’re a very special person,” but once you bring your face back up to his for some well-earned kissing and snuggling, I promise you he won’t be able to taste or smell his cock.
Hey, Faggot:
I recently found out that the guy I’ve been involved with for eight and a half months is addicted to crack cocaine. He admitted to the addiction but said he doesn’t want my help dealing with it. He has a job, but he lives with me. He doesn’t pay bills; I even buy him clothes and shoes. My friends say I’m being used, but he says he wants me to be patient, and he’ll change. I try to be patient. He comes and goes as he pleases and still spends some nights at his “ex-boyfriend’s” house, all these guys keep calling, and I find phone numbers everywhere I look, but I don’t want to turn my back on him. Should I love him or leave him? –Addicted to Love
Hey, ATL:
Leave him? Don’t talk that crazy talk! You know what we call a guy like your boyfriend here at Savage Labs? We call him a KEEPER! Listen to me, Peggy Lee, it’s not every day an eligible crack addict just walks into your life. So he cheats on you with his “ex,” takes your money, collects phone numbers, and disappears from time to time. There are worse things. And look on the bright side: when he disappears, that’ll give you plenty of time to cook, clean, do his laundry, and delouse your sheets. Don’t listen to your dumb ol’ friends. What do they know about love? They’re just jealous–and who wouldn’t be, after you snagged yourself a dreamy crack addict!
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.