Hey, Faggot:

My question concerns that age-old controversy: swallow or spit? I’ve never performed oral sex, but I’m willing to–I’m just curious about technique. Is there some standard, or is it all to individual preference? If the option is open to spit, are you supposed to keep a towel handy? Or just do it near a basin? And finally, if you swallow, are there any harmful effects of ingesting semen?


Hey, B:

In good society, whether a cocksuckee will be coming in a cocksucker’s mouth is a decision made by the cocksucker; same goes for spit/swallow. The cocksuckee may have a preference–he may be aroused by the cocksucker ingesting his semen, or he may enjoy the sensations created by the swallowing action during his orgasm, or perhaps the cocksuckee is wearing brand-new trousers he’d rather not see soiled. Whatever the cocksuckee’s preference, a polite cocksucker will take them into consideration before making a final decision.

If you decide to swallow, Blojo, you have two options: let him come in your mouth and gulp it down as fast as you can, or slide his cock as far back in your throat as you possibly can once he begins to come. Then open your throat and let his semen gallop down your gullet, like six or seven oysters, without actually “swallowing” at all. The latter spares you the taste (as the semen misses the tongue), the former spares you the retch. Again, your call.

If you opt to spit, remember this important point: while “swallow” is literal, “spit” is figurative. Just as you don’t actually blow anything, you don’t actually spit (or shouldn’t) after giving a blow job. The phrase “spit or swallow” sometimes gives inexperienced folks the wrong impression: well-mannered cocksuckers do not hawk spunk loogies into spittoons on the other side of the room. Instead, you simply allow the semen to run back out of your mouth. A little slack in the jaw, a downward tilt of the head, and gravity does the spitting for you. His semen drains out of your mouth and onto his lap, your chin, the sheets, the carpet in the Oval Office–whatever. No hawking necessary.

And, yes, there are potentially harmful effects to ingesting semen or allowing a man to come in your mouth, from contracting sexually transmitted diseases to being subpoenaed by a runaway special prosecutor. While Ken Starr can offer you immunity from prosecution, he can’t offer you immunity to HIV or oral gonorrhea or venereal warts on the vocal cords. To minimize your risk of acquiring an STD while giving blow jobs, the semen you swallow or swish around in your mouth should be produced by disease-free cocksuckees. If a cocksucker isn’t sure about a cocksuckee’s health or veracity, use a disgusting-tasting condom, or, better yet, don’t let him come in your mouth at all.

Finally, there’s only so much technique you can pick up by reading. You won’t really hit a learning curve until you stop reading about blow jobs and start giving ’em.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a straight 30-year-old male. I work out three times a week, run, stretch, and I am generally satisfied with my body. The only problem is that I have scarcely six-and-a-half inches of dick to my name. Some say that the eights, nines, and tens are rare, but that’s no consolation to me.

I’m not worried about what other people think. But I am painfully obsessed with auto-fellatio and am tortured that I cannot perform it. I’ve ordered a book that will show how to “condition the body” for this act, but I’m afraid that it will be written with the assumption that its readers are well endowed. I fear that all the stretching in the world won’t let me do myself lip service.

Do you have any pointers? Have you heard of modestly endowed guys succeeding in auto-fellatio? Do I have a chance?

–Genetically Cheated

PS: I have considered nonsurgical enlargement, but I am not interested in going under anyone’s knife.

Hey, GC:

The last time auto-fellatio reared its self-satisfied head, I wrote that a big dick and a limber body were essential. Thousands of young men and boys wrote in to inform me that I was wrong: they had dicks only four or five inches long and were able to get them into their own mouths. If guys with five-inch dicks–which fall into the average range, boys–can successfully suck themselves off, then you too, GC, operating on a generous six-and-a-half inches, should be able to auto-fellate, provided you’re limber enough.

But if after getting as limber as you’re ever going to get you’re still an inch or two short of glory, you might want to reconsider your opposition to surgery. While most “penis-enlargement techniques”–from penis pumps to fat injections–have little or no lasting effect, there is one that really, truly, fer sure makes your dick bigger. A suspensory ligament anchors the penis to the pubic bone and holds about two inches of “penile root” inside the body. Cut that ligament–a procedure first performed in China by, no lie, one Dr. Long–and the penis “drops.” In your case, GC, the drop could add two inches to your six and a half. If all that stands between you and your painful obsession is an inch or two, you might want to go under someone’s knife.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a sexually active 25-year-old gay male. I’m pretty safe in my sexual forays, and I’m never tempted to let anyone come in my mouth–spit, swallow, whatever. But when I’m jerking off by my lonesome, I’ve developed a love for gushing into my own mouth (don’t ask–well, if you must: basically it involves your standard up-and-over position). I know this will make me sound paranoid, but is this safe? I figure the only stuff I’m eating was already in me to begin with, but I still worry. –Gooey Gooey Gum Drops

Hey, GGGD:

You can’t expose yourself to anything you haven’t already been exposed to, as you suspected, so what you’re doing is now and always will be “safe.” What’s interesting and, if I may say so, rather depressing about your letter is that a 25-year-old gay man would regard his own semen as a toxin. AIDS-education scare tactics teach us to fear other people’s bodies out of all proportion to the dangers they pose, and, in time, we naturally come to fear our own.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m writing regarding your advice to the guy concerned about HIV-transmission risks for people on drug cocktails. You advised your readers that it was only a bad idea to have unprotected sex with an infected person on the cocktail if you were HIV negative, or if you “don’t care about reinfection.”

I’m sure you realize that reinfection of HIV-positive people with a drug-resistant strain of the virus is a great way to promote the spread of drug-resistant HIV in both HIV-positive and HIV-negative people. Next thing you know, the drugs will be useless for most people!

Your advice had a slightly ironic tone, but I’m sure lots of people who aren’t as informed as you are will believe that choosing reinfection is fine. Please tell your readers that it’s a stupid, irresponsible choice! –MM

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.