Hey, Faggot:

I’ve recently started dating this great guy. He’s creative, sensitive, good-looking, and intelligent, but there’s one problem. Before he started dating me, he was a virgin (he used to be phobically shy around women) and watched a lot–and I mean A LOT–of porn. Now, I don’t have anything against some good porn once in a while, or some good kinky sex, but it feels like every time we sleep together he wants me to reenact some scene from a porno. I feel a little objectified when, for example, he asks me to go out in public wearing a short skirt and slutty red lipstick. Or when he asked me to shave my pubes for him. How can I get his mind on ME and what WE’RE doing, and not on trying to copy some hard-core porno he watched every day of his precoital life? –Not His Ho

Hey, NHH:

Whether porn inspired his desires or merely allowed him to indulge them in his precoital days is really unknowable; maybe shaved pussy and bad-girl sluts were his turn-ons before he saw his first video. It happens, you know: porn caters to hetero male turn-ons more often than it creates them. You may not share his turn-ons, but when you’re indulging them together, I’ll bet you his mind is on YOU and what YOU’RE doing and not on old videos stacked up on his VCR. As he’s unlikely to drop or unlearn these fantasies, I suggest you either reconcile yourself to indulging them or dump him. There are women out there who enjoy dressing like sluts and fucking like porn queens, though they’re few and far between and usually take Visa. He might be happier with one of them, and you might be happier with a guy who hasn’t been “ruined” by porn.

Hey, Faggot:

Hopefully you can help me out. I’m a 100 percent straight guy (really–married, never did anything with a guy, LOVE women, etc.) who likes to watch professional wrestling, and so do these two other straight guys I work with.

This pointy-headed intellectual type at work–who NEVER watches wrestling–has been telling us there’s an undeniable “homoerotic” part of professional wrestling and that it’s unavoidable.

Since you’re gay and probably know something about being gay, please tell this know-it-all that it’s possible for three totally heterosexual males to enjoy professional wrestling and enjoy talking about it among themselves with nothing “gay” going on!

–Straight Wrestling Fan

Hey, SWF:

While it’s possible for three straight guys to enjoy professional wrestling without anything “gay” going on, there is an undeniable homoerotic subtext to any sport that requires men to wear masks, Lycra, and leather while they roll around on mats pretending to hurt each other. Masks, Lycra, leather, and pretending to hurt each other pretty much sums up what passed for my sex life during my 20s, when there was whole a lot of “gay” stuff going on, believe you me.

What’s at issue here is not whether there’s a homoerotic subtext buried somewhere in pro wrestling; there’s a homoerotic subtext buried in anything two men can do together, from fishin’ to pukin’, though the depth at which it’s buried can vary wildly. The issue is whether the none-too-subtle homoeroticism of pro wrestling partly or entirely informs your enjoyment of this–shall we dare to call it a “sport”? Only you, in your heart of hearts, know if you derive secret thrills watching great slabs of Lycra-wearing he-man meat bounce off each other.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m gay, and my new boyfriend and I have been together for three months–together nearly every minute. He insists we spend six nights a week together, and he calls on the hour when we’re not together. He’s a long-term art student, and I think he’s looking for a “daddy” figure, but I’m only five years older than him. What to do? Was swapping keys a mistake? –Exasperated in Edgewater

Hey, EIE:

Swapping keys was a mistake. At three months the most you should be swapping is saliva and sexual technique. You can attempt to negotiate different terms–he sleeps over only three nights a week, he has to return the keys, only two phone calls per day–but it’s been my experience that a clinging vine can’t change its stripes, or learn new tricks, or flock together, or whatever. If you tell him to back off, he’ll feel rejected and there’ll be an ugly scene. Even if he backs off in the short run, the sleepovers and phone calls will gradually creep back up to their previous level, so in the long run you’ll be right back where you started. You need to find yourself a boyfriend who isn’t so needy, and he needs to find himself someone every bit as clingy as he is. The sooner you dump the art fag, the sooner you’ll both find new–and more suitable–boyfriends.

Hey, Faggot:

I’ve been an America Online subscriber for a little over a year now, and I am becoming increasingly titillated by the limitless possibilities to alter my identity. I am a heterosexual 25-year-old male (in my everyday life), but in my on-line encounters I am alternately a bisexual thirtysomething female into anal sex and spanking, a fortysomething lesbian into bestiality, and a twentysomething heterosexual woman with a foot fetish.

I like to trade pictures with people under these alter egos and occasionally chat. I have been amazed by the bizarre content of some of the pictures I have received: things like people shitting into one another’s mouths and pissing all over each other. Now, I have never done this sort of thing and probably won’t ever do it, but sometimes when I look at these pictures I get an erection, even though I am disgusted by the images. Maybe some part of me is sexually excited by these pics? How can one be sexually turned-on and repulsed by something at the same time? Is this normal? –AOL Head

Hey, AH:

No, for the ten-millionth time, whatever it is, it’s not normal. I wish people would stop sending me letters about freaked-out shit–including the consumption thereof–and concluding their freaked-out letters with “Is this normal?” No, eating shit is not normal. Pretending to be a fortysomething lesbian into bestiality is not normal. Getting a hard-on looking at pictures of stuff you would never wanna do is not normal. Spanking, foot fetishes, cross-dressing, drinking piss, enemas, amputee fetishism, hair extensions: none of it’s normal. Kinky folks, you need to let “normal” go.

As for you, AH, your valid question–why is this making my dick hard?–is easy enough to answer. Like a lot of not-so-normal men surfing through cyberspace pretending to be things they are not–attractive, interesting, female–the shits and giggles of gross-out brinkmanship is what turns you on. Unless eating shit excites you, which maybe you were afraid to admit even in an anonymous letter to me (there’s a lot of wiggle room in that “probably” of yours), just having a naughty photo of two people doing something so disgusting on your computer is what’s making your dick hard.

And finally, yes, people can be sexually turned on by something that repulses them. I, for example, am turned on by Hanson.

Unintended consequences:

A 72-year-old man in Olympia, Washington, who had been taking Viagra to treat “erectile dysfunction” was arrested last week for attempted rape. Pfizer, the company that makes the drug, might want to borrow an NRA slogan: “Drugs don’t rape people, people rape people.”

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.