I am a heterosexual woman fascinated by the idea of fisting. My lover, always willing to indulge, was gentle and slow the first time we tried it, and he made sure I was hot and wet before beginning. We made it to four of his fingers inserted up to his knuckles before it got too intense and we had to stop. I would like to repeat the experience–this time with lots of lube–hopefully getting his entire fist inside me. However, I have a couple of concerns.
As far as I know, vaginal fisting is primarily a lesbian activity. My lover is six foot five, and his hands are large–larger than the hands of most lesbians, I’m willing to bet. My vagina is medium sized. I’ve heard the argument that women’s vaginas are capable of stretching to accommodate a whole baby; therefore fisting is possible because a fist–even the fist of a six-foot-five man–is smaller than a baby. This sounds plausible, but birthing is a couple-of-times-in-a-lifetime event, stressful to a woman’s body, while sexual activities are regular occurrences.
When my lover’s fingers were inside me, I loved the sensations, but they were sensations of both pleasure and pain. I’m not sure I can take his whole hand. My vagina wasn’t exactly sore the next day, but it occasionally twanged and throbbed and generally made me aware of its existence. Is it possible that my lover’s fist may be too big for me? Am I hurting myself by even attempting this? Are lesbians better fisters than men because they have smaller hands?
I’m also concerned that repeated attempts may stretch my vagina, possibly resulting in one that is too large to please my lover during traditional fucking. It would be so sad if, as a direct result of my lover’s desire to please me, my vagina lost its ability to hold his cock tight. Lesbians don’t need to maintain vaginal snugness, so they can fist away with abandon. But should straight girls do this?
My current intern–a damn lesbian named Leslie who, so far as I know, has never been fisted–hand delivered your letter to Raven Gildea, another damn lesbian, who along with Alex Jade, yet another damn lesbian, teaches the Cunt Class, “a hands-on experiential workshop for women interested in fisting, G-spot stimulation, and [female] ejaculation.”
Your concerns are similar to those of many women who come to (and occasionally come during) Raven and Alex’s fisting workshops. Raven assured me that with a little practice you should be able to get your lover’s fist into your cunt. “Slow, gentle, hot, wet: sounds like she was definitely on the right track.” But if on that first attempt you were using only your natural juices, Raven strongly recommends you try again with lube. “Lots of lube is a very good idea, no matter how hot and wet you are. Latex gloves can help too: covered with lube, they’re very slippery.”
And don’t let that first attempt make you feel like a fisting failure. “A woman who’s never been fisted before may need quite a few times, going at a very slow pace, before the first fist goes in. Stop whenever either of you is ready to stop, and have faith that eventually it will happen. If you got this far on the first attempt,” four fingers and some knuckles, “odds are it will happen for you.”
While men’s hands are generally bigger than women’s hands, and full-term babies are bigger still, you won’t have to stretch nearly as much to get a fist in as you would to get a baby out. “Some dyke fisting tops have really big hands,” observed Raven, “and some dyke fisting bottoms have really small bodies. The important thing is that a woman’s pelvis can accommodate a baby,” and, therefore, a hand. “The angle of your lover’s hand makes a big difference: your pelvic bone has a diamond-shaped opening, and slight wrist adjustments can line up the widest parts of his knuckles with the widest parts of your pelvic opening. Also, you have more room in the direction of your asshole than in the direction of your clit. A good position is for the fistee to be on her hands and knees, with the fister’s arm in handshake position.”
Is it possible your boyfriend’s hand is simply too big? Might it be that there ain’t no angle steep enough, ain’t no lube slick enough, ain’t no pelvic opening wide enough to accommodate his meaty paw? “Without seeing his hands,” said Raven, “I can’t say for sure it’s not possible that his hands are too big. But I really, really doubt it. Really.”
Could you do yourself permanent damage fisting? “Not as long as you stop when you’re ready to stop and go at a pace that works for you.” Raven points out that the birthing process is mainly about dilating the cervix: the baby actually passes through the vaginal canal pretty quickly. “The mother may feel panicked and out of control, and if she isn’t relaxed and open enough, she’ll tear. By contrast, fisting is done slowly and gently, while consciously relaxing and opening the vagina. What holds most women back is their muscles: it’s unusual, and sometimes scary, to open up that much. But relaxation, practice, and being really turned on can help you learn to do it.”
Being aware of your cunt the next day is normal, added Raven. “If it hurts, wait until it doesn’t hurt anymore before the next session, then go easier than the last time. But while you’re fisting, mixed sensations of pleasure and a little discomfort or pain are normal: if the pain outweighs the pleasure, however, slow down or stop.”
Once you’ve truly arrived–once your boyfriend can wear you like an oven mitt–will your cunt get floppy? Will you go fwap-fwap-fwap when you walk? “Learning to relax your muscles is not the same thing as forgetting how to flex them. Do athlete’s bodies become limp from so much stretching and flexing? Nope, they become limber and toned. Likewise, a woman who is frequently fisted will not have a loose, stretched-out cunt between sessions. She’ll actually be more toned than women who don’t exercise their pelvic muscles.”
Raven recommends Kegel exercises between sessions (imagine peeing, then constrict those muscles that cut off the flow of urine) to help maintain vaginal snugness. “They can help women learn to relax and contract at will and improve pelvic muscle tone. They are a good idea for all women, whether or not they want to have babies or be fisted. Gaining more conscious control of her body makes a woman less likely to tear if she has a baby and more able to grip her lover tight when it counts.”
Raven and Alex have been teaching the Cunt Class for a while, and lots of damn lesbians, confused bisexuals, and clueless straight women have studied under them. Raven and Alex have no plans to take their one-day workshop on the road, which means you’ll have to come to Seattle, WF, if you want to take the one and only Cunt Class. But leave the boyfriend at home: the Cunt Class is for girls only. “You have to have a cunt to come to our class,” quoth the Raven. For more info on the Cunt Class call 206-322-5477.
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, 60611.