Hey, Faggot:

Since I don’t feel comfortable asking anyone I know for advice about this, I’m writing to you. I’m a woman whose new beau’s tool is too small to fit inside me!

After less than two months, a pattern has been established: after as much dry humping as I can tolerate (frustrating for me since his equipment is too short to provide the type of stimulation necessary to get me off), we grapple around trying to get his dick inside me, but it’s too short and nearly always half-soft. I usually wind up giving him a blow job to finish things off (which he loves, and I enjoy pleasing him).

He is six feet tall and nearly 300 pounds, and I am five feet tall and 125 pounds, which necessitates me being on top. At 40 years old, he has had only about five lovers (the last being his ex-wife many years ago), while I have had more than ten times that many.

I am quite shy about stating my needs, and only during our last encounter did I manage to muster up the courage to tell him I didn’t come from the dry humping. His response was surprise, followed quickly by guilt about being a “selfish male.” It obviously falls to me to show him the ropes, which I expect I’ll find easier with time. That we care about each other and communicate well will undoubtedly make it easier.

I don’t think the problem is me, because even when soft his penis resembles that of a baby–with underdeveloped balls to match. Any guidance? –Horny and Hopeful

Hey, HAH:

If you’re tired of intolerable dry humpings and near-miss fuckings, then drop the shy-girl stuff and open your mouth. Let him know what’s working and what’s not working–and be specific. You enjoy giving him head; that’s good. What else do you enjoy? Do you like to jerk him off? Good. Do you like having your pussy eaten? Tell him. Do you like being fingered? Tell him. And if you miss that all-filled-up feeling that only something big and thick can provide, buy a dildo and show him how to use it.

Confronting him about your needs won’t make his baby-sized dick any bigger, but it’s the only thing that’s gonna make your sex life any better. I’m guessing he’s painfully aware his dick is inadequate, and that he’s frustrated by the grappling around too. Maybe the reason his dick is “always half-soft” when he’s trying (and failing) to fuck you is because he’s not enjoying himself any more than you are. If his dick is rock-hard when you blow him and squishy meat when he’s trying to fuck you, that’s a pretty good indication that he prefers the former.

My advice: If physical limitations–his small dick, his big gut–make vaginal intercourse unpleasant or impossible, THEN DON’T HAVE VAGINAL INTERCOURSE. There’s plenty of horny shit you two could be doing, stuff that won’t rub his inadequacies in his face and won’t leave you unsatisfied. He has fingers, he has toes, a nose, and fists–if you ask him, maybe he’ll use ’em on you! Go buy some dildos and vibrators and butt plugs; have lots of oral sex; masturbate together. Due to his relative inexperience, you’re going to have to lead the way, so get that conversation started, lady, and do it soon.

Finally, here’s some out-of-left-field advice for small-dicked straight men dating women to whom size matters: If you’re worried about not getting her off–if you want to fuck and make her come–maybe you should tear a page out of the lesbian sex manual. Are you sitting down, boys? Buy a strap-on. There’s a whole hell of a lot of happy lesbians out there whose girlfriends have very big dicks. If your girlfriend is down with it and the thought of using a strap-on doesn’t make you wanna blow your brains out, you can have a big dick too! Fucking someone with a strap-on doesn’t mean you don’t get to come; you can get off before, after, or during, just like the lesbians.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m probably clinically depressed. I probably need counseling and a shitload of pills, but I wanna be pure and in my right mind for work (I work at the world’s largest asshole software company). I don’t want any mental side effects. Too much is depending on my work.

My other problem: my sex drive is gone. It disappeared when I started working at this place. I’ve been with the same woman for a couple of years, and we’ve had sex three or four times in the last 12 months. She says she’s ready to hump me in my sleep, or the dog, the furniture, anything.

Lately I’ve been pissing out not just urine; after I’m done clearing out my bladder, a clear thick fluid comes out of my dick. A lot of it comes out and looks strange in the toilet bowl. Is this something I should go to the doctor for? Is it related to my sex-drive problems? –Microsofty

Hey, M:

I passed your letter on to my chief medical consultant, Barak Gaster, MD, but before we get to Doc Barak’s advice, there’s something I’m curious about: does working at Microsoft destroy people’s sex drives? I get two or three letters likes yours every week; Microsoft guys who can’t get it up, Microsoft girls who’ve lost all interest. What’s going on? I’d love to hear from Microsoft employees: what is it about working there that ruins your sex lives? And I’d love to hear from people dating Microsoft employees: do you ever get laid? Now, on to Doc Barak:

“First, it’s important to clear up a popular misconception about antidepressants. Unlike sedatives or recreational drugs, antidepressants…do not cause people to feel ‘high.’ On the contrary, rather than make people feel altered, they bring people out of prolonged depressions and make them feel normal again. If the writer gets treatment for his depression, he’ll likely experience improved ‘purity of mind’ and be more productive at work.

“As for the thick liquid at the end of urination: he needs to go see a doctor! This is either built-up seminal fluid from not ejaculating enough, or it’s pus from an STD. Either way, he should get it checked out. Both depression and STDs can deflate sex drive, so get them treated.”

Hey, Faggot:

Something has been bugging me: you always refer to the disgusting taste of condoms when answering questions about blow jobs. I want to let your readers know that alternatives exist to those powdery mint condoms! Trustex, for one, makes lubricated condoms in grape, strawberry, chocolate, vanilla, banana, and cola. I hear the cola tastes like shit, but the others aren’t bad. If they don’t like any of the flavors condoms come in, Wet brand lube comes in more flavors than Snapple.

Please tip off your readers to the great condom choices that are out there! The more they know, the safer they’ll be. And I for one am sick to death of begging pledges for the AIDS Walk every year. –Rachel

Hey, R:

Thanks for sharing, and here’s a thought: if you’re sick to death of begging pledges for the AIDS Walk, then don’t do the AIDS Walk anymore. I don’t.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.