Hey, Faggot:

I am a female who developed an extremely close friendship with a man. I knew this man was having an affair with a woman who was not his wife, even though he had a child. I was only interested in this man as a friend, and a friendship quickly flourished. You know what I am about to say next: as time went on, we became lovers. We both realized we were in a dangerous situation. He had just ended his extramarital affair and was trying to figure out if he was going to stay with his wife. Finally he decided to give his marriage a second chance.

This man insists we remain friends. I cannot stand the fact that he has gone back to his wife, yet I feel ashamed for feeling this way. Each time I hear his wife’s name or picture them together I want to spit. How come he doesn’t seem to care for me as he once did? Should I run from this man and let him go back to his wife, or should I try to be the bigger person, continue our friendship, and suffer in silence? –Clueless About Love

Hey, CAL:

First, I don’t believe for a nanosecond that you were only interested in this man as a friend. With a wife, a child, and a girlfriend, he was already overextended in the female-companionship department when you met. Surely he could’ve struggled through this time without your companionship. But, gee whiz, you became friends, and “as time went on, [you] became lovers.” Your agency-avoiding sentence construction is not convincing: Who initiated the affair? No one! Time went on, and the affair just happened. He didn’t do anything wrong; you didn’t do anything wrong! Why, that naughty time! If only it hadn’t “gone on,” you never would have gone to bed with this married man! Impressive. Your use of the passive voice is practically presidential. You should move to Washington and write speeches for Bill and Hillary.

On second thought, maybe not: like your former lover, Bill’s a married man with a child who recently dumped his piece on the side. He’s in enough trouble without you hanging around the Oval Office waiting for “time” to “go on” and compel you willy-nilly into bed with a married man.

OK, so you messed around with a married man, he told you some lies, and now you’re in pain. There’s a story we haven’t heard before. You played with matches and you got your skanky ass burned. If you were looking for sympathy, you sent your letter to the wrong advice columnist. Oh, there’s nothing wrong with banging a married man–lord knows I’ve done it–but when you’re sleeping with someone who’s got a spouse, (a) you can’t let yourself get carried away or, God forbid, fall in love; and (b) you can’t believe a thing he tells you when his pants are around his ankles. That goes double if the guy has kids, triple if his kids are under the age of 18.

My advice for you is to refrain from trying to remain friends with this man–you were never interested in being his friend. Like a lot of dumb men and women out there, you made an investment in the high-risk divorce-futures market. You met a man you were attracted to, and it looked like his marriage might be coming apart. You invested time, energy, and ass in him, hoping that when his marriage did fall apart, he’d be yours. But in futures markets things don’t always go the way investors expect them to. You lost your shirt, and that’s tough.

But look on the bright side: at least the humiliating details of your ill-advised affair with a married man haven’t been published in newspapers for all to read. Until now.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a heterosexual guy coming off an eight-month relationship with a wonderful European woman. Unfortunately, her visa expired and she had to return home. After a relationship where my day began and ended with passionate lovemaking, I find myself constantly thinking about sex. Masturbation doesn’t do it for me: being with a woman is a necessity. Money is a problem, so a pro is not an option. And I have a hard time meeting people, so another girlfriend may be a long time off. Is there any over-the-counter medication available that will significantly lower my sex drive? An anti-Viagra? –Going Crazy

Hey, GC:

You have two options. One requires a prescription, the other you can get over the counter.

Your prescription option, Depo-Provera (medroxyprogesterone acetate), is so effective it’s known as “chemical castration.” Originally developed as a contraceptive for women, Depo-Provera lowers the amount of testosterone in a man’s system, effectively eliminating his sex drive. The drug got a lot of attention two years ago when several states began making chemical castration available to rapists and child molesters interested in parole. You may have a hard time finding a doc willing to give you this drug, but I spoke to a doc on the east coast who told me he would inject it into any man with a “reasonable” need to eliminate his sex drive.

Your over-the-counter option is widely available, can be taken orally, and has the added benefit of making the world a happier place. The wonder drug of which I speak? Our good friend alcohol.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 26-year-old male and spend a lot of time on my bike. Cycling has caused decreased sensitivity in my penis, and when I’ve had sex in the past I’ve often faked orgasms. I’ve tried everything I can think of to fix the problem, from standing more while pedaling, wearing as many as three padded bike shorts at a time, to buying a molded seat. Nothing helps! But I love to bike and don’t want to give it up!

I haven’t been in a sexual relationship for six months because I close down when I get to the point where there would be any intimacy. I’m afraid that if I do go to bed with someone, I won’t be able to perform and she won’t think I’m attracted to her. What should I do? –CC

Hey, CC:

My friend Mike Nelson is an avid cyclist, riding more than 200 miles per week, and despite the amount of time Mike spends in the saddle, his dick works. I know this because I’ve seen Mike’s dick work.

“The recent media attention concerning the dangers bike riding poses to men–nerve-damage-induced impotence–got my attention,” said Mike. Key nerves serving the male genitals run through the perineum–between your balls and butthole–and those nerves get compressed when a guy sits on a bike seat.

“The media blew the dangers all out of proportion, though. Some guys will experience numbness in the crotch if they’ve been riding for a long time. Nine out of ten recover.”

For bike-induced numb dick, try a different bike seat or padded shorts. Seeing as you’ve tried those solutions, Mike didn’t have much to offer you in the way of comfort. “I’ve read about racers who put riding before their sex lives. It’s a trade-off they’ve made. If he were to get off the bike for six months, he would probably get back to normal. His only real choice is stay off the bike. And he should go see a doctor.”

Hey, Everybody:

I’m going to be in town to read and sign copies of my new book, Savage Love: Straight Answers From America’s Most Popular Sex Columnist, at 7:30 on Thursday, October 8, at Barbara’s Bookstore, 1350 N. Wells. See ya there!

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.