Hey, Faggot:

I’m a straight girl who wants to know more about male orgasms. I recently started dating a guy who doesn’t always come, and when he does it takes all night. We masturbate each other. I come, he doesn’t. We have oral sex. I come, he doesn’t. We have vaginal intercourse. I come, he doesn’t. We have anal sex. I come, he doesn’t. He can only come when he rubs himself against me from behind after an exhausting night of doing everything else. He totally turns me on–I was never a multi-orgasmic chick before!–but I often feel inadequate after being with him. I worry, of course, that I’m not stroking or sucking him hard enough, soft enough, fast enough, or slow enough. He assures me that I’m doing everything right. I worry that he’s not comfortable or relaxed when he’s inside me, but he says that he is. I don’t ask him too many questions, though, because I don’t want him to feel pressured.

If he’s telling me the truth–that there’s nothing I should be doing differently–why can’t I make him come? In 14 years of fucking, I’ve never had this much trouble getting a guy off. Does a guy’s state of mind have much to do with whether or not he comes? I should mention that during foreplay his preejaculate streams out in what seems like an excessive amount. Could this be a factor in what takes him so long? –Can’t Get Him Off

Hey, CGHO:

The amount of preejaculate a man produces has nothing to do with his “inability” to come during anal, oral, or vaginal intercourse or from good old-fashioned hand jobs. With apologies to Ethan Mordden: some men are leakers. And some men, like a lot of women, require a very specific type of stimulation in order to get off. Men with this “affliction” are rarer than women, but they exist, and they deserve our support. While most men can come pretty easily–sometimes too easily–and since most men can come from a wide variety of stimulation (anal, oral, manual, telephone, telephoto, telecast, etc), women who encounter that rare male who has to, say, rub himself against her from behind to get off often wonder what is wrong with (a) him, or (b) her.

But when a woman requires a vibrator to get off, or oral sex, or fingers rubbing her clit just so, Cosmo, the Playboy Advisor, Susie Bright, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Laura, Dr. Love, and I all encourage her man not to regard his lover’s “inability” to come during intercourse alone as a comment on his sexual powers. We throw our collective hands in the air and say, “Some women are just, well, like that. Don’t worry about why–there is no reason why, and it doesn’t mean you’re bad in bed. While the girlfriend may enjoy getting fucked, if she needs a vibrator or a tongue to get off, don’t ask questions, don’t worry, don’t pressure her, and don’t feel inadequate. Get a vibrator or your tongue going and get her off.”

Same goes for you, toots. Your boyfriend enjoys fucking your butt, your pussy, and your mouth, but in order to get off he’s gotta do that rub-up-agin-ya-from-behind thing. So let him do it! Have him fuck you silly, and after you get off, flip over and offer him your backside. If you worried less about making him come the way he “should” be able to–via hands and holes–and didn’t waste hours and hours trying to make him come the way he “ought to,” sex wouldn’t take all night, and you wouldn’t wind up exhausted and frustrated.

Hey, Faggot:

I used to bang a lot of broads in the can when I was single. However, now that I am married, my old lady never wants it in the seat. I tried with her, but it ain’t gonna happen. I went to a few whores but only came away with blow jobs. Anyway, I’m kinda scared to nail a whore in the can without a bag, and that would be a waste, I think. I really miss nailing a girl in that special place, and may I say I never had a homo thought when I was doing it. I just thought it was another way to have straight sex, and I used to do it all the time to girls. As I am getting older, it’s really bugging me. I think about nailing a broad in the can every day but just don’t want to go to a ho or start a relationship with some pig that will rat me out after I can her in the ass! Jacking off about it ain’t working either. Any suggestions? –Anal Eddie

Hey, Ed:

Is this Joe Pesci? I’ve asked you to stop writing me, Joe. Ugh. If I answer your question will you leave me alone? OK: Maybe the problem isn’t what you’re asking for, Joe, but how you’re asking for it. A woman who might respond favorably to an expressed interest in exploring your shared capacity to experience anal pleasure–both her anus’s and your anus’s capacity for pleasure–may respond negatively to a man who’s requesting to “bang her in the can.” If you can find it within yourself to refrain from calling the women you sleep with “broads,” “pigs,” and “hos,” if you can reimagine a woman’s anus as an erogenous zone deserving of respect, and if you can offer up your own can in exchange for access to hers–what’s good for the goose’s can is better still for the gander’s, as the gander has a prostate gland in his–you might have better luck with the wife. Finally, if the wife won’t play ball, you could always cap a pop in her or whatever.

Hey, Faggot:

I read the piece in your column about the woman who found her boyfriend’s come-shot scrapbook. My girlfriend found similar material that I produced (literally!) and also freaked out. I tried to explain it to her this way: A lot of guys find their own semen sexy. The amount they produce is a sign of virility, and the sight of it shooting out is visually stimulating in addition to being intensely pleasurable. Males think of their own spooge as “love juice,” and regard it as their essence. Since we are so self-absorbed, we assume our mates will feel the same way. Unfortunately, however, most women seem to regard semen as a substance similar to battery acid.

Given the above, it’s understandable that the woman who wrote you found it difficult to understand her boyfriend’s kink. I just want him to know, if he’s reading this, that there are a lot of guys like us. –Tong

Hey, Tong:

Pointy-headed sex researchers have established that straight men are aroused not only by the sight of their own semen shooting out but by the sight of other men ejaculating. Hence the importance of the monotonous come shot (aka the money shot) in straight porn videos ostensibly produced for straight male porn consumers (aka beater-offers).

Hey, Stupid:

Buy my dumb book! Savage Love: Straight Answers From America’s Most Popular Sex Columnist is available wherever fine trade paperbacks are sold.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.