Hey, Faggot:

I am a happily married 32-year-old male. Everything is great between my wife and myself, except that she doesn’t like that I love hot young women to look at my nipples. There are times when, without my wife around, I take my shirt off outside and wait for women to walk my way. I’ll usually ask a woman what time it is. If she doesn’t look at my nipples when she looks up from her watch, I’ll pinch my nipples so she’ll look at them. If that doesn’t work, I’ll ask the woman if she finds my nipples attractive. So far no one has cursed at me, slapped me, or called the police. I sometimes open the door to my house shirtless if female mail carriers or solicitors arrive. I play with my nipples to get their attention–unless my wife is around. Our sex life is fine, but the thrill for me is to have female strangers look directly at my nipples! I’m even thinking of getting them pierced to ensure they get looked at.

My question: Is any of this disrespectful toward my wife? I don’t really want to talk to a male shrink about this, and talking to a female shrink about my nipples would only make my dick hard, and I would want to show her my nipples. What should I do? I don’t really want to stop what I’m doing. I enjoy it.

–Nipple Freak

Hey, NF:

Whether what you’re doing is disrespectful toward your wife depends entirely upon how your wife feels about it. Does she mind that her husband displays his man-titties to any woman who walks by wearing a watch? Does she have issues with you tugging your titties in public? Is she made the least bit uncomfortable by you asking other women if they find your nipples attractive? In the unlikely event that the answer to all of these questions is no, then you aren’t being disrespectful toward your wife.

You are, however, being disrespectful toward the young women you demand the time of day from. While it’s acceptable for men to go shirtless, and there’s no law against asking a woman the time when you’re naked from the waist up, asking a stranger what she thinks of your nipples or tugging on them to draw her eye is disrespectful in the extreme. When your hand goes to your tits, you’ve crossed that thin line between deriving secret thrills and making someone an unwilling participant in your not-so-secret kink. Any woman walking alone in a city who encounters a half-naked jerk demanding to know what she thinks of his tits/basket/thighs/whatever will feel uncomfortable at best; most women will fear for their physical safety.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with secret thrills–so long as they stay secret. Take the cliche of a middle-aged straight guy who gets off on going to work wearing women’s lingerie under his business suit. His little secret gives him a thrill. None of his female coworkers know that, ooh la la, Mr. Big has silk panties on under his Men’s Wearhouse suit. Nothing wrong with that. If he gets aroused, he can go beat off in the executive washroom. It’s all good. But it ceases to be good when our panty-wearing CEO pulls his trousers down, shows his female coworkers his undies, and asks them what they think or gropes himself. Are you with me? Can you see the diff?

I’m not saying you have to give up this pastime you clearly enjoy so much. No: feel free to get your tits pierced, go shirtless, and ask women the time. But you have to stop groping yourself and asking women if they find your nipples attractive. If you don’t, it’s only a matter of time before you do get cursed out, slapped, or arrested, and it will serve your skanky ass right.

Hey, Faggot:

I was recently dumped by my boyfriend. His asexual ally came to my aid. He was wonderful, providing me with a shoulder to cry on, and he wrote me letters of encouragement.

I was doing really well thanks to him. Then I found another boyfriend, and when this guy also dumped me, I was so hurt that I took it out on my old asexual ally. I simply dropped him. I didn’t return his phone calls and avoided him as if he were the one who had hurt me. When he cornered me and forced me to tell him what the problem was, I cruelly informed him I had no desire to be his friend anymore.

Normally this wouldn’t bother me so much, but he wrote me a very nice letter after I was so cruel to him. He said the door of friendship would always be open. Perhaps because in my hour of pain I confided too much in him, or perhaps because I am slightly turned on by him, I am unable to contact him. I want to, but I am scared.

If you have any advice that would get me off my gutless ass to contact this man, I would be much obliged, because I really do want his friendship. –Dumped Insecurity

Hey, DI:

My advice for you: Don’t send me this letter anymore. You’ve sent this letter a dozen times, via fax, snail mail, and the Ottawa X Press in Canada. Don’t you get it? There’s a reason your letter hasn’t appeared in the paper, and it’s not because I failed to get the last 11 copies. You and your problem are boring. The guy you hurt sounds like a doormat; you sound like a psycho. I couldn’t care less whether you ever get off your gutless ass and call him, nor do I care whether he leaves the door of his friendship open to you or slams it in your face. Call him or don’t; win back his friendship or live without. I don’t care!

Hey, Faggot:

I need your advice. How do I convince my mother that it is OK for both of us to be at a nudist resort on the same day? We were both introduced to the lifestyle by an ex-girlfriend. Both of us belong to the same resort, but she won’t go if she knows I’m going. My mom has missed some fun nude times because she won’t go the resort when she knows I’m there. What do I do? –Nude in Ontario

Hey, NIO:

Leave your mom alone, that’s what you do. If mom isn’t comfortable runnin’ around in front of her daughter with her tits pointing south, well, that’s her business, isn’t it? Just because you both enjoy the “nudist lifestyle”–yeesh to that phrase, by the way–it doesn’t necessarily follow that there’s something wrong with mom if she doesn’t want to enjoy the lifestyle in front of you. There are things my mother and I both enjoy doing, sexual and otherwise, but we don’t necessarily want to do them in front of each other. For example: my mom and I both like to take long, hot baths–but not with each other. My advice: you and mom should join different nudist resorts and have your “fun nude times” in separate nudist encampments.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.