Hey, Everybody:

A few weeks back I ran a letter from a young man, a virgin, who had a small dick with a pronounced curve. Depressed Little Virgin Dick feared rejection on account of his dick, was terrified he would never lose his virginity, and wanted to know if there was any way to make his dick bigger. I gave DLVD three pieces of advice: get used to his dick, as most make-yer-dick-bigger schemes are ineffective; compensate by learning to eat pussy like a pro; and find himself a girl who either doesn’t care about big dicks or prefers small ones.

Well, lots of folks sent in additional advice for DLVD. Some of your advice is good, some of it is bad, and one of you is going to burn in hell for all eternity:

I let the fear that I had a small dick prevent me from losing my virginity for a long time too. DLVD needs to know that his fear is blown way out of proportion. It’s been said that the average penis is six inches, but most women would put it in the four- to five-inch range. Those guys you see in porno flicks are exceptions to the rule! As far as the curve of your dick is concerned, that too is normal (unless we’re talking about it curving into a complete loop). So don’t worry about that either! It can even be helpful!

Which brings me to my next point: a lot can be achieved through positioning and the stroke you use. Brushing the tip of your cock against the cervical bone (I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s called), pointing it toward the G-spot (located inside the vagina behind the clitoris), or sliding your cock up and down on the clit–all of this is very pleasurable for most women and can be done with the tiniest weenie!

There are also other options: you can eat her out, finger her, talk dirty, or focus on dozens of other erogenous zones that have absolutely nothing to do with her pussy. Actually, these are not options–they’re requirements! Once you start having sex, you’re going to find that merely sticking your dick in a girl is not going to cut it, no matter how big you are. –TS

Tell DLVD that he is the one obsessing about the size of his penis, not the women in his life. Men tend to be more concerned with size (penis, breasts, guns, cars). If he’s hetero, he’s in luck. I can’t speak for all women, but I don’t give a goat’s fart about dick size. In fact, a too-large penis can cause discomfort during intercourse, and forget about fellatio! Gag! –SP

I’m sure a lot of guys have the same concern as DLVD and wish something could be done. I, for one, would like to be endowed with a tool like the late John Holmes. Well, there may still be hope: Dr. Nicolo Scuderi, a surgeon in Italy, is preparing to do the world’s first penis transplant, which you speculated about in your response to DLVD. Contrary to what Dr. Barak Gaster said in your column, Dr. Scuderi claims there’s nothing to prevent a successful penis transplant. Perhaps men undergoing sex-change operations–men who want to become women–could sell their penises to the highest bidder, or to women who want to become men (provided the donors’ penises are large enough, of course). These men could thereby finance their sex-change operations, which are very expensive. –Lou & Darlene

You advised DLVD to compensate for his small penis by becoming the world’s greatest pussy eater. Well, I was involved with a man with a small penis who had adopted your advice. He was an enthusiastic eater of pussy. Imagine my delight, particularly after two previous relationships with men who were SOPs (Scared of Pussy), one of whom thought more of his beard than of my bush.

However, all was not paradise: after four months, I still had yet to experience his little johnson inside me. In addition to having a size complex, he was unable to maintain an erection after putting on a condom. This added to his intense anger at the world and was reason enough to kick him to the curb. In the end, getting great head was not enough for me! I needed some degree of nondigital penetration.

Advice for DLVD: being a great pussy eater alone will not do it. You’ll have to use your dick too. That curvature you have may work wonders on women–it could be your saving grace! –Glenda, the Good Witch

In your typically abrasive response to DLVD you unfairly dismissed penis pumps. Cock pumps do offer specific benefits when used correctly. Gains may be only temporary, but they are definite and positive. One can usually expect an increase of one-half to one inch in length and an inch in thickness, perhaps more. This substantial increase must be achieved slowly, over a typically half-hour pumping session. It is crucial to remove your cock from the pump apparatus every five minutes or so in order to avoid the bruising you mentioned; applied heat, such as wrapping a heating pad around your dick between pumpings, helps speed the enlargement process. By pumping only when you have a boner, the potential for a bruised penis is lessened. As always, moderation is the key. Personally, I like to involve women in the process; it becomes mutually fun and even an enticing part of foreplay. –Stretch

This is for Depressed Little Virgin Dick: You really shouldn’t worry! I’m a five-foot-two, 115-pound, 20-year-old female. I have come to the conclusion that I like men with small penises. As a matter of fact, I have found that I can only achieve orgasms with men with smaller-than-average penises. I’m small myself, and don’t find it enjoyable cramming a big penis in me. It hurts. And it doesn’t matter that you’re curved! Think about it: where you’re putting your penis–inside a woman–is curved too! –Yer Girl

This is about DLVD: with all due respect to the experts, I believe this man has a chance at a large penis! I know of two men, one over 45, who added heft and length to their penises. They didn’t undergo surgery or use pumps. Because I do this strictly to help, I ask that this man and anyone else interested in learning how this is done send me a self-addressed, stamped envelope and $5 (this covers my ongoing research). –Neal

Neal, of course, is the person who’ll burn in hell. For shame, Neal! Did you really think that I’d be so stupid as to print your address? Or that any of my readers would be so stupid as to send you five bucks? Your attempt to take advantage of DLVD, a young man desperate to get himself a bigger dick, won’t be smiled upon come Judgment Day, my friend.

Coming soon: the winner of the Savage Love trivia contest! Who’s going to Vegas with Dan and Kevin? The winner will be announced next week!

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, 60611.