Hey, Faggot:

I am a very attractive, intelligent, experienced woman. I model and have my own business. For the past three years, I have been living with my fiance. My problem is that my fiance masturbates day and night, despite the fact that we have a good sex life. He does this when he thinks I’m not looking.

I catch him doing it flipping through the Victoria’s Secret catalog, at the computer downloading the sex pages on the Net, even watching TV (during “Babewatch,” certain MTV videos, and those ridiculous USA movies).

When I catch him, he immediately turns his back or quickly covers himself. I just give him “the look” and walk away. I also catch him “eyeing” attractive girls in the mall, on the street, basically wherever we go. I have begun to get a complex. Am I not pretty enough? Should I get implants (even though I’ve modeled for bra ads)? Does he want a blond? What is he looking for when he has me? Most men would kill for a date with me!

I consulted my girlfriend, and she thinks he’s an idiot and a freak. I even asked my gynecologist if it was normal for a man to masturbate when he is in a satisfying relationship, and if so, how often and why. After my cave doctor got over the embarrassment of the question, he told me that some men prefer their own hand no matter how experienced or skilled the woman’s. Should I confront my fiance, or would that make matters worse? –Second Best

Hey, SB:

There are really two problems here: his compulsive masturbation, and your unrealistic expectations.

First, his prob: He needs to see a therapist or something to get a grip on just when and where he gets a grip on. Grown-ups just don’t drop trou and start pulling away whenever and wherever the mood strikes ’em (with the possible exception of the 43rd president of the United States). Jerk off in the bedroom, not the living room; under the covers, not in front of the TV (unless you live alone). Bathroom doors have locks on them for all sorts of reasons–maybe he was home beating off when this info was covered in his human sexuality class in the fifth grade.

Likewise, most grown-ups know it’s inconsiderate to leer at hypothetical sex partners in front of your actual sex partner(s). If you must check others out, do it with subtlety and tact, whether your lover is present or not. It sounds like your intended is having a hard time distinguishing between (here we go) appropriate and inappropriate behaviors, between where he ends and where you (and your feelings) begin: a shrink might be able to help him make those distinctions.

You can help him understand the seriousness of the problem–and motivate him to get his ass to a shrink–if you confront him with more than “the look” the next time you find him beating off to Baywatch. You might want to try using your “words.” If getting “caught” gives him a thrill, you’re going to have to figure out together how to channel his catch-me kicks into less abusive and more inclusive sexual activities. You’re going to have to talk it out with him, not your girlfriends, not your clueless cave doctor. It’s not often that I recommend packing someone off to a shrink. If he’s opposed to the idea or you can’t afford a shrink, consider buying yourself a stun gun. Or some pepper spray. Whenever you catch your fiance beating off in front of the computer or TV, let him have it. It’s called “aversion therapy.” Even if it doesn’t solve the problem, it will make “getting caught” more exciting for both of you.

On to your problem: unrealistic expectations. It is unrealistic to expect that your man, having unlimited access to your fine self, shouldn’t masturbate or notice other women. In the three years you’ve been with your fiance, have you never once looked at another man? Everybody masturbates, especially boys, and everybody looks, especially boys–even happy, sexually satisfied boys engaged to bra models.

We don’t mean nothin’ by it. When I jerk off, it doesn’t mean that I’m dissatisfied with my boyfriend or I wish he were blond or had bigger tits–sometimes I just gotta jerk off. And when I look at other guys, it doesn’t mean my boyfriend isn’t attractive. He is, but so are lots of other people. Being forced to pretend that I find no one else but him in the least bit appealing would place an unnecessary strain on our relationship. He’d be compelling me to tell him lies–and isn’t that exactly what you’re not supposed to do to your lover?

Hey, Faggot:

My friend and I want to have a baby together. I need to know where to get the proper supplies for the “at-home insemination.” We picked up a turkey baster, but I’m afraid a jolt of air into the vagina will send me to the ER with a stroke and a severe case of the bends–and I’m not sure my HMO will cover it!

Any suggestions? –Mary

Hey, M:

According to fag dads and lesbo moms, turkey basters are out. While some refer to their children as “baster babies,” it is, they assure me, only an expression. My sample recommends that you use your diaphragm instead. Rather than filling it with a spunk-killing foam or jelly, fill it (or have it filled for you) with wholesome, freshly brewed spunk. It’ll hold the spunk right up against your cervix, and with one or two attempts, you should be knocked right up.

Hey, Faggot:

My hoochie female friend is crazy about giving head and loves to swallow. That is all she wants to do–even if we are having sex she wants me to explode in her mouth and down her throat. I’ve got no problem with it, but how long should I wait before I kiss her afterwards, and is it harmful or good for her (even if she says “it tastes good”) to swallow come? –ADM

Hey, ADM:

How long after you come in her mouth should you wait before kissing her? Well, a polite sex partner never puts in his lover’s mouth something he isn’t willing to put in his own (why don’t you pause to consider all the implications of this statement). In other words, after ejaculating in her mouth, you should wait to kiss her only as long as it takes her to get from your lap to your face, and not a moment longer.

As far as swallowing: unless you’ve got an STD or three, or she’s allergic to your spunk (which we recently covered), ingesting your spunk won’t hurt her. Or you

Confidential to the Whole Wide World:

In a recent column, I recommended a book. Well, I messed up the author’s name, and writers can be so sensitive about that kind of thing. So, for the record, Reviving the Tribe: Regenerating Gay Men’s Sexuality and Culture in the Ongoing Epidemic is by Eric Rofes and is available from Harrington Park Press, an imprint of the Haworth Press, 10 Alice Street, Binghamton, NY 13904. Eric is hard at work on his second book, all about gay men’s sexuality in the not-so-ongoing-anymore epidemic.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.