Hey, Faggot:

While my buddy–straight, I thought–was out east for Xmas, I stayed at his apartment so his place wouldn’t be empty. I made myself at home. I drank his beer, I ate his food, I watched his movies. I also watched his homemade pornos: him and his two girlfriends. I know it was wrong, but he said to make myself at home! They were pretty hot, not because the sex was so great, but because I knew these people.

Here’s the weird part: There was a video of him curled up sucking his own dick! This one also got me excited. OK, so here are the questions: Is he gay? Is he bi? Would a straight guy do this? Is this a common ability, straight or gay, or is he one unusual dude? He doesn’t know I saw his tapes. –Mr. Nosey

Hey, N:

You watched a videotape of your best friend sucking his own dick, which “excited you,” and you’re wondering if your buddy is gay or bi? What about you?! You’re the one getting turned on watching videos of him suck his dick, for cryin’ out loud. Projecting much? Are you wondering if your buddy’s bi, or are you hoping he is?

For the record: Sucking his own dick does not make your buddy gay, any more than jerking off makes him gay. Consider: A guy giving another guy a hand job is doing a pretty gay thing, but a guy giving himself a hand job might be doing a gay thing, and then again he might not. It depends on what he’s thinking about: is he pretending his right hand is Luke Skywalker’s hairy blond butt, or Princess Leia Lipsmacker’s rather more generous rear end? (Sorry–I saw Star Wars last night.) Giving yourself a blow job doesn’t make you any gayer than giving yourself a hand job. If you’re alone, it’s just jerkin’ off, masturbation, good ol’-fashioned self-pleasurin’.

Is your pal unusual? Yes. Only those few guys out there with very limber backs and relatively long dicks can manage to suck themselves off. I will concede that a gay guy with limberness and length working for him might be likelier to do this than a similarly endowed straight boy, if only because the gay boy isn’t afraid that sucking his own dick is going to make him gay–he’s already gay! Straight boys, on the other hand, often let homosexual panic keep them from all sorts of sexual pleasures that they perceive as “gay.” Like getting fucked in the ass, for instance. You don’t have to be a gay man to enjoy getting fucked in the ass, but it seems to help.

Hey, Faggot:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for five and a half years. The whole time it’s been long-distance. He will finally be graduating from college this year, and at last we have the chance to be together. However, he wants to move to LA to pursue his dream of being an actor. I hate LA, and I don’t want to move there. Besides, I moved to Chicago six months ago, and I like it. Should I be offended that he doesn’t want to move to Chicago and be with me? I mean, he certainly could pursue an acting career here. Or should I move to LA? Maybe I should forget the whole thing and take out a personal ad and find a new boyfriend. Please give me some advice I can live with. –Distantly in Love

Hey, DIL:

There’s no winning this one. You both have, basically, the exact same reasons why the other should give in. His position is, “If you really loved me, you’d move to LA.” And your position is, “If you really loved me, you’d move to Chicago.” Under most circumstances, I would declare this one a draw and order you two to break up.

But in your case, I’m going to advise you to give in and move to LA with him. First of all, you’ve only been in Chicago for six months. It’s not as if he’s asking you to pull up deeply driven roots and move to Siberia or some other frozen wasteland far from the home you love. And, come on: if he really wants to make a living as an actor, he does need to move to LA. Acting in Chicago has its rewards, but none of them are financial.

And here’s another good reason to move to LA with him: Odds are good that once you get to LA this relationship will fall apart pretty quickly, as so many long-term, long-distance relationships do once the partners finally “have the chance to be together.” When it does, you can move back to Chicago, take out personal ads, and find yourself a man with a sensible career, without wondering for the rest of your life what might have been if you’d moved to LA. And even if you do go with him, and things work out at first, once he gets rich and famous he’ll probably dump you, become a Scientologist, and marry some piece of supermodel trash. Then you can take him for all he’s worth (provided the Scientologists haven’t beaten you to it), move back to sweet home Chicago, and buy yourself as many boyfriends as you can handle.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a straight white male involved with a woman who loves anal sex. After “doing” her several times, I am hooked on anal sex. My girl tells me there are many women who like to get fucked in the ass. She also tells me that white women have anal sex more than black and Hispanic women (we are white). Is this true? –Backdoor Man

Hey, BM:

Yes it is, according to The Social Organization of Sexuality, the big book o’ sex trivia compiled by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago. Almost one in four white women surveyed had anal sex on at least one occasion, versus fewer than one in five Hispanic women, and less than one in ten black women. The sex fiends at the University of Chicago could’ve botched the numbers–this is, after all, the same study that “discovered” only one percent of the population of the U.S. to be gay or lesbian. If that were true, I’d like to know exactly who’s buying up all those Jeff Stryker dildos, tickets to women’s pro basketball games, bottles of “video head cleaner,” and Sondheim CDs.

Speaking of Stephen Sondheim–which we weren’t, but it’s my column–gay men, do you ever have one of those moments, just strolling along, living your life, when you suddenly think, “Goddamn! I am one big-ass fag!” And have you noticed that those big-ass-fag awareness moments are almost never when you’re, say, doing something really gay, like sucking on some dick or fuckin’ some butt? It happened to me just the other day: I was walking down the street with my boyfriend, having a really heated argument about which is better: the London or Broadway cast recording of A Little Night Music. He prefers Broadway, while I prefer London. I mean, why do we even care? But we do. We almost broke up! Hey, if you’re reading this, Mr. Sondheim, please settle this for us before we come to blows: Which do you like better? London, right?

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.