Hey, Faggot:

I am totally turned on by women with hair on their arms, and especially if they have that line leading from their belly on down to their pubic hair. I don’t mean guy-type hair, but normal, soft girl hair. My question: What percentage of men like hair, as opposed to the Howard Sterns, who like their women to shave down all their body hair?


Hey, DD:

How the hell should I know? The exact percentage of men who like hairy women, women who have big clits, guys who like to be spanked, people who’ve fucked their mothers, the risk involved with various sex acts–even if I could produce these stats (which I guess I could put my research assistant on if he weren’t busy with more important things, like doing my laundry), what good would it do you? What does it matter if 2 percent or 80 percent of men prefer hairy women? It’s what you like that matters, and as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody, that’s all you need to know.

Not even Pam Winter, publisher of Hair to Stay, a magazine devoted to hairy women, could come up with a percentage. “If I took a poll of every person in the entire world, maybe I could give you an idea,” she said. “But even if I did that, a lot of men won’t admit they like hairy women for fear of being told something’s wrong with them, or being called latent homos. Guys who like hairy women are made to feel like freaks, so a lot of guys who do won’t admit it.”

While she can’t put a number on it, Pam can say this: Judging by how many mags Pam moves in a year (more than 6,000) and the number of hits her Web site gets every day (more than 2,500), you are not alone. “Lots of men like women with natural hair on their bodies. People are realizing that bleached-blond, shaved, and siliconed look-alikes are not what everyone wants.”

When I asked Pam if your particular thing–arm hair–was out of the ordinary, she said no. “In fact, after armpit and pubic, forearm hair is the leading fascination for men who like hairy women.” Why? “Who knows? Why do some men like breasts? Or red hair? Or tall women? It’s all a mystery.”

Pam is one hairy woman herself–one of the hairiest women in the world: “I have hair on every inch of my body, from my nose to my toes; hair in places that doctors have never seen hair.” Her magazine caters to all tastes in hairy women, from run-of-the-mill hairiness (treasure trails and bushy pits) to the out-of-the-ordinary stuff (beards and chest hair). Hair to Stay is $44 for four issues and features stories, pictures, and video reviews. Pam tells me it’s “down-to-earth and professionally done.” You can order Hair to Stay by calling 508-994-2908 or writing Winter Publishing Inc., P.O. Box 80667, Dartmouth, MA 02748. Or visit Pam’s Web site at www.winterpublishing.com to order books, mags, and videos.

Hey, Faggot:

Several months ago I created a sculpture that depicted a young lady. She and I were platonic friends, but my feelings for her were quite strong. The finished piece was provocative in a tasteful way, patterned after an 18th-century French nude.

I was going to give it to her as a present. However, we had a falling out, so I changed my mind–I feared her reaction to such a sensual presentation from an estranged friend. Through my own idiocy she found out about the statue, although she had no idea what it looks like. She wanted to see it, and I refused to show it to her. Needless to say, she loathes me now.

What should I do? Should I suffer the guilt and leave it be? Should I give it to charity? Should I give it to her and hope she doesn’t smash it? It’s quite good, but I suspect she’d be offended. –Bewildered Artist

Hey, BA:

Send it to her along with a hammer and a note telling her she can keep the fucking statue or smash it to pieces, and end the note with this: “Whatever you decide to do, stick the hammer up your ass when you’re done.” Then forget about her. You’re an artist! (Well, you might be: I haven’t actually seen your stuff. You could suck.) You don’t have to ask anyone’s permission before you make anything. You have the absolute right to take in stimuli–in this case, her–and pump out art.

Hey, Faggot:

I couldn’t believe your response to Second Best. What the hell is wrong with masturbating while in a relationship? What the hell is wrong with masturbating a lot while in a relationship? How does that qualify SB’s fiance for therapy? She said they have a good sex life. He never jacked off in public, or when her parents were visiting: Where’s the harm? So what if he wants to wank to the Victoria’s Secret catalog and Baywatch?! If there’s a problem here, I think it is her lack of self-esteem (“Should I get implants? Does he want a blond?”). Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you own the other person’s genitalia! –Sticking Up for Jack

Hey, SUFJ:

SB’s boyfriend’s problem was not masturbation, but consideration–his lack of any. She sounds insecure, but who isn’t, and who wouldn’t be under her circumstances? Yes, everybody masturbates. I do, but not where or when my boyfriend can find me. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I’m polite. But, SUFJ, just because something isn’t wrong doesn’t mean it’s appropriate under any and all circumstances. And just because there’s nothing wrong with masturbation doesn’t mean that a person’s masturbatory habits can’t cause problems in their relationship. Take this poor woman’s situation:

“My boyfriend would rather masturbate than have sex. He masturbates four or five times a day, and at night he says he’s ‘too tired’ for sex, and just rolls over. But then as soon as he thinks I’ve fallen asleep he starts masturbating. This is starting to disgust me and make me think there’s something wrong with him, me, or both of us. Maybe I don’t turn him on, maybe he’s too lazy to have sex, maybe he’s gay? Please help.”

This poor woman’s boyfriend might be gay, or she might not turn him on anymore, or perhaps he’s suddenly taken a compulsive interest in something odd–boots, bowel movements, Boy Scouts–that he’s too ashamed to share with her, yet can’t get a boner without concentrating on. Or maybe he’s a freak. The only way we’ll ever know the answer is by finding out what’s going on in his head while he jerks off. What is he fantasizing about? As he’d probably lie if we asked him, we’ll never know.

But this much we do know: he has a private little sex life going on in his head, a sex life that does not involve his girlfriend at all. If my boyfriend had a sex life that didn’t involve me at all, I would dump him, and I recommend she do the same.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.