Hey, Faggot:

I look for good smut in your column, but lately I find nothing but letters written by angry obese people. Where is the perverse filth I used to enjoy so much? You’ve gone downhill buddy! –The Fetish Fiend

PS: Please put this in your next column.

Hey, FF:

Here’s your letter, as per your request. Please enjoy this all-smut column, utterly without redeeming social importance, dedicated to the good people of Halifax, Nova Scotia, where my column runs in the Coast.

Hey, Faggot:

If one were to make cheese from human breast milk, what commercially available cheese would be its closest relation in taste and texture? –SF

Hey, SF:

Most commercially available cheeses are made from plain old cows’ milk, so we can infer that cheese production–what you do with the milk, not its origins–largely determines taste and texture.

To test this hypothesis, I called a cheese shop in San Francisco with the cringe-inducing name Say Cheese. According to Joe, who’s worked at Say Cheese for four years, “Taste depends on the shape of the cheese and the amount of time it’s aged, what the cows are fed, what kind of bacteria you introduce into the milk.” And texture? “The older a cheese is the harder it is; the younger a cheese, the creamier.” Why is that? “As cheese ages, it dries, salts calcify, making for a harder, denser cheese.”

When I asked Joe to recommend a cheese that would come close to breast milk, he balked: “I’ve never tasted breast milk.” Was he bottle fed? “I don’t remember.” When pressed he offered, “Maybe it would look like sour cream or cottage cheese,” but Joe doesn’t think human breast milk would taste very good. “Sheeps, goats, and cows don’t eat meat, they don’t eat onions or garlic, they don’t drink coffee. The flavor of human cheese would depend on what you were feeding your human. Considering our diets, human breast milk would probably taste pretty awful.” Does Say Cheese stock human breast milk cheese? “No, we don’t.” Why not? “It’s a disgusting idea, and no one makes it.” But if it were available, would you? “I don’t think so.”

Looks like the way to find out what human breast milk cheese might taste like is to make some. According to Dale Baumgartner, Head Cheese Maker at the Tilamook Creamery in Oregon, “it takes ten pounds of milk to make one pound of cheese.” A dairy cow makes more than that in one day, but the average lactating woman needs almost four days to produce ten pounds of milk, and that would be a problem: “When you’re making cheese, it’s really important to use fresh milk,” especially if your milk is unpasteurized. So, you need to find four lactating women, or make just a little tiny bit of cheese.

When I asked Dale about making cheese from human breast milk, he said, “The department of health might have something to say about that.” But is it possible? “You could probably do it–I don’t see why not, provided you could get your hands on the milk.”

Here’s a simple cheese recipe from the cheesemaking home page (www.cheesemaking.com), if you can wrap your hands around some human breast milk: Take your milk, put it in a bowl, and add some rennet, an animal derivative that contains an enzyme called rennin, which will cause the solids in your milk to clump up into curds. Then drain off the liquid and serve the solids. Voila! You’re eating breast milk cheese!

Hey, Faggot:

These questions may seem dumb, but here goes:

1. If you are being fucked, then forced to suck the dick that fucked you, can you get sick from your own ass?

2. Can you get AIDS from water sports orally and anally? –TC

Hey, TC:

There is no such thing as a dumb question, only a disgusting one.

1. According to Dr. Barak Gaster, ingesting small amounts of your own feces probably won’t make you sick. “The usual diseases that are transmitted fecally could be transmitted in that way, the most common being hepatitis A and some strains of E. coli. But if you are already colonized, then it means that you’re probably immune to them. So, even though it’s a really yucky idea, it is unlikely that being reinoculated with these same strains orally would make you ill.”

2. Dr. Gaster: “Of all body fluids [in HIV-infected people], urine has among the lowest levels of HIV virus. So, the risk is much lower than it is for other body fluids, but a risk still exists.”

Hey, Faggot:

I am 57 years old, and I can’t get pussy. I am kinky, bold, and tattooed all over. I am looking for a young kinky female, bi would be nice, someone that likes strange things. Where are the young women who might be interested in me? –AM

Hey, AM:


Hey, Faggot:

There is an operation to enlarge or enhance almost all our body parts, but I never heard of ball or scrotal enlargement. I would love to have a large set to enhance my sexual pleasure and fill out a pair of Speedos. Is there an operation, implants, or injection to increase their size? Please let me know if there is. Thanks. –JS

Hey, JS:

Until a couple of years ago, you could’ve called the good folks at Dow Corning, ordered yourself a couple of silicone nuts, hopped a flight to Mexico, and paid a no-questions-asked doc a couple of hundred bucks to implant them for you. A little poolside R and R in Puerto Vallarta, and then you’re back stateside with a tan and one impressively packed Speedo.

But when Dow’s breast implants were yanked off the market, so were their little brothers, testicular implants. But even if they were still available, no one I spoke with had ever actually performed a cosmetic nut implant. When I asked a secretary at a cosmetic surgeon’s office if she’d ever heard of a cosmetic testicular implant, she said, “No. And I’ve worked with surgeons in California too.” And if they’re not doing nut implants in California, they’re just not being done.

So, what are your options? You could inject saline–sterile saltwater–directly into your scrotum, a process known as “scrotal infusion.” The results are impressive–you can blow your scrotum up to the size of a basketball–but short-lived: your balls will deflate in a few hours as the saline is absorbed into your body. Another option might be collagen injections. If they can fill Goldie Hawn’s lips with the stuff, why not your scrotum? “Collagen is the most common protein in the human body, or any mammal’s body,” says Dr. Gerald Bernstein, a dermatologist and dermatologic cosmetic surgeon in Seattle. “It’s a very hard, fibrous material, used as a volume expander, to fill up spaces that are depressed or absent. We can fill in wrinkles with it and make lips bigger.”

What about having collagen injected into your scrotum? “I have never heard of anybody doing that. I would not do that, even if requested to. You’re running the risk of putting pressure on the testes [never a good plan], and the collagen is temporary–it only lasts three to six months. And collagen is expensive, about $200 a cc, and to fill an area that large, it would take ten cc’s at least. That’s an awful lot of money to spend for three months’ worth of discomfort.”

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© Dan Savage