Hey, Faggot:

What is wrong with this picture? It appears that NYC is full of gay and bisexual men who feel compelled to get to home plate within the first 24 hours of meeting a potential partner. Fucking–not dinner and a movie–seems to be the “foot in the door.” Don’t get me wrong, this gay guy loves good, clean, safe sex with a man–but not before knowing about his crack addiction or murderous killing sprees.

Can’t we wait at least a week, or a month, in order to find out if sex is even worth the expenditure of calories? Is this asking too much, or am I being a young fuddy-duddy?

–Polly Andy

Hey, PA:

You’ve got it backward. Getting to know a guy over a period of weeks or months requires a much greater caloric expenditure than fucking him and getting it over with. Why invest a lot of time and effort only to discover that this guy whose parents you’ve already met is a lousy lay, or doesn’t practice good personal hygiene, or can only get off when you lay very still and try not to breathe? Better to establish sexual compatibility prior to making an emotional investment, I say.

And fucking first is, after all, one of the perks of being a gay man. Look at straight boys: They’re required to make or fake an emotional investment in order to get themselves some pussy (see below). But gay men, since we’re not trying to con women into bedding down with us, are able to be a little more honest and up-front about auditioning potential life partners. First fucks are like tryouts. Pass the audition, then date. It’s a good thing.

Hey, Faggot:

I hope you can help me. My problem is this horrible pattern I’ve had in my life of getting my heart ripped to shreds after sex with a guy. My last boyfriend was so nice to me before we slept together, but afterward our conversations suddenly changed. He stopped asking how I was and just wanted me to be a sort of personal butler. I left the relationship, and he hasn’t called since. I’ve been told by several people, including my father, that this is the “conquest” mentality of het men, and there’s nothing I can do about it–except maybe read The Rules, and get a man to marry me first. But why would I want to marry a guy that treats me like the floor once the relationship is consummated? I think I’m an intelligent, open-minded person, but I can’t seem to stop getting run over by this Mack truck. Please help me.

–Road Pulp in Chicago

Hey, RPIC:

Here’s what you need to do: The next time you go on a date with a guy, pretend you’re a gay man–have sex with him right away. Don’t wait a week, or a month, don’t even wait for your entree to come–fuck him right there in the restaurant. Then, if he keeps calling, dropping by, and pursuing you after that first eventful date, you’ll know for a fact that he’s not just after you for sex–’cause he’s already had you! If he’s still interested, it must be because he likes you, really likes you.

Hey, Faggot:

I am 26 years old and have a penis that I’ve always been satisfied with. It’s larger than average, and it’s attractively shaped. The problem is that when I orgasm, I usually produce very little sperm–no valiant displays of spurting manhood, or even a couple of good pulsing squirts, just a small seep of thin gisim. I’m not concerned with sperm count or procreation so much as the aesthetics of the sexual experience. I’ve known some guys who have almost put their eyes out, and have heard references like “dribble dick” and “shooting blanks” for a condition like mine.

Is there anything I can do to increase the amount and the force with which I cum? Is it anything I should worry about? I just want the display to look as good as it feels.

–Low Income

Hey, LI:

It’s jism, not gisim; come, not cum. You don’t orgasm, you ejaculate or come. You don’t shoot sperm, but a small amount of sperm mixed in with a whole lot of seminal fluid, which is called ejaculate or come. And while you’re a dribbler, we don’t know whether you’re shooting blanks–guys who shoot blanks are sterile, which you may or may not be.

On to your questions: Provided you’re drinking plenty of fluids, eating right, and getting your rest, there isn’t much you can do to increase the quantity of your ejaculate. Some guys make lots, some guys make little–them’s the breaks. No doubt there are plenty of guys out there with teeny weenies that go off like a golf course lawn sprinkler who’d love to trade places with above-average-endowed you, but they can’t.

You may be able to increase the force with which you pump out the little you produce by doing your Kegel exercises: the next time you pee, try to stop the flow of urine while you’re pissing, like turning the tap on and off. The same muscles you use to stop yourself mid-piss are the ones that involuntarily contract when you ejaculate. By squeezing and releasing them while you’re peeing–or when you’ve got nothing better to do–you strengthen them, which can result in more forceful ejaculations. Good luck, stud.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a het female. My lover and I have recently been experimenting with anal sex. After the initial moments of penetration, it’s not painful for me, and I enjoy it. He really enjoys it. The downside is that sometimes when he pulls out there is a little poop on his penis. I was horrified at first, but he just cleaned himself up and came back to bed for some more action. My question is this: Is a little poop normal? Is it something that won’t happen once my almost-virgin butt acclimates? Is it something I can prevent?

–Not Into Poop

Hey, NIP:

Short of giving up on butt sex, the only way you can absolutely avoid poop schmutzing your BF’s schlong is by getting a colostomy. Your poop would then flow into an attractive bag attached to your abdomen, leaving your butt forever poop-free.

Or, you can reconcile yourself to the fact that poop comes out yer butt, and if you’re going to be having butt sex, every once in a while what’s working its way out is going to bump into what’s working its way in. With time and experience, you may develop a pretty good sense of when you’re “OK” back there, but even the most experienced buttfuckers make the occasional li’l mess. You’d do well to emulate your boyfriend’s attitude–shit happens–and not waste any more time worrying.

Hey, Everybody:

My mother E-mailed me this joke, suggesting I pass it along to “all the sickos who read your column.” So here’s a joke for you, courtesy of my dear ol’ man-bashin’ mom: “When God created Adam, he told him, ‘Adam, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news.’ When Adam asked what it was, God said, ‘The good news is that I’ve given you both a brain and a penis. The bad news is that I’m only giving you enough blood to use one at a time.'”

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.