Hey, Faggot:

As a child, I was exposed to inappropriate visuals. My mother made a point to show us kids exactly where babies come from. Since that time, I’ve had a fixation about the vagina. Every girl I’ve ever had has been blessed by this fixation. Sometimes I just want to crawl inside a vagina and die. Memories flash in my mind of my mother’s vagina and I feel dirty and evil when I’m licking my lady’s clit. All my lovers have said I gave the best face they ever had, and I’ve always felt the need to get my partners off first. Do you think I’m sick and selfish? And how should I feel when I’m eating pussy? –T-Brown

Hey, TB:

You should feel like you’re on top of the world chowing down on creation, like you’re the man, the face, the champ, the real deal, etc. Not that you’re eating all that much pussy where you are: I noticed your return address is the King County Correctional Facility, which at press time had not gone coed. I’m sorry to have to break this to you, but whatever you’re eating in there, it ain’t pussy.

Anyway, I get the feeling that the reason you wrote in has nothing to do with having been abused by your mom, and that you probably made the whole story up. Admit it: you wrote in hopes of getting a letter in the column and having your day brightened. Having done four years for a crime I didn’t commit–I was nowhere near that savings and loan–I feel for you and am printing your letter to brighten your day, but I don’t believe a single word of it.

Stating that I don’t believe your story, I risk offending the sexual-abuse fetishists and professional empaths out there who demand all sentient beings believe any abuse story, no matter how outlandish or implausible.

But in your case, I’m hoping that even abuse fetishists will see it my way. After all, if the only lingering effect of your mother’s abusive behavior is that you wound up a better, more considerate lover, well, that’s pretty much an argument in favor of childhood sexual abuse, n’est-ce pas?

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a married woman who has been having a fling with a married man for three years now. I have a modern husband who doesn’t mind if I have recreational sex. My lover’s wife, however, would have a total coronary and divorce him pronto if she found out. Here’s the problem: I blow him when we’re together, and he gets me off manually. I can’t get him to go any further. There’s always some reason why we can’t go to a hotel for fun and games, mostly time issues and the wife expecting him home. Why can’t I get more out of him? I’ve never heard of a guy who only wants one thing; they usually want two or three. What gives? –LD

Hey, LD:

What gives? You do–blow jobs on demand, which is a pretty sweet deal. Since I can’t question him, and your mouth is full when you two get together, we can only speculate as to his major malfunction. My guess goes like this: maybe he’s only interested in blow jobs because oral sex is the one thing he’s not getting at home–the wife doesn’t dig giving head–so he gets it from you. Or maybe your lover doesn’t consider oral sex to be real sex. Since he only gets blow jobs from you, he figures he isn’t really cheating on the wife. Or maybe oral sex in parked cars is the only thing he’s interested in–there are plenty of guys out there who “only want one thing.” The next time you two rendezvous, I suggest you ask him what’s up. If he won’t tell you, don’t blow him–you do have some leverage here. Good luck, slut.

Hey, Faggot:

So, I’m in Peepland in a feelie booth and I give the girl five bucks to let me put my fingers in her pussy. With her juice still wet on my fingers, I continue to wank with the same hand. Is that safe? Could I have transmitted something? Should I be losing sleep?


Hey, H:

It’s unlikely you contracted anything too dreadful. While theoretically possible, it would be extremely difficult to pick up HIV, gonorrhea, or syphilis from whacking off with a tiny schmutz of her juices still on your hand. But if she had, say, warts or herpes or both, you may have picked those up pretty easily. Go get an STD screening if you’re losing sleep, and if you’re partnered–if you brought your skanky dick home to a wife or girlfriend after waggling it around the peep shows–then get an STD screening because it’s the right thing to do. While genital warts don’t mess guys up too badly, if a woman contracts warts without knowing it, and it goes untreated, she can wind up with cervical cancer and die. Get screened, stud.

Hey, Faggot:

So, like, how many boxes of Kleenex is that? –John & Jason

Hey, J & J:

Here we go again: there are 105 million men over the age of 12 in the United States who masturbate an average three times a week, producing 60,582,684 quarts of spunk per annum; half of all men we surveyed used facial tissues to wipe up, so we estimated that 30,291,342 quarts per annum wind up in crusty balls of tissues every year. Kleenex controls 48 percent of the facial-tissue market, so roughly 15,150,000 quarts per year wind up specifically in Kleenex-brand tissues.

And now you want to know how many boxes of Kleenex it takes to soak up those 15-ish million gallons? Well, it depends. First, on how many tissues the average tissue-using male consumes when cleaning himself up. Four, by our estimates. And what type of Kleenex are men using? Unfortunately, this question throws a major wrench into our research efforts: Kleenex’s Family Size box ($1.99) contains 250 two-ply tissues; a box of Cold Care tissues ($1.89) contains 144 three-ply tissues; a box of Cold Care Extra Large ($1.39) contains just 60 three-ply tissues; Cold Care Ultra Comfort ($1.69) contains 108 three-ply tissues; and Cold Care With Menthol ($1.59) contains 60 three-ply tissues to a box. With so many variables–the number of plys, the size of the tissue, the number of tissues per box–it’s nearly impossible to determine how many boxes of Kleenex American males go through per year.

But we can work out some averages: going off the numbers above, the average box of Kleenex has 124.4 tissues, weighing in at 2.8 plys apiece. The average American male masturbates 3 times a week, or 156 times a year; half of the 105 million men over the age of 12 wipe up with tissue, and half of all tissue users buy Kleenex-brand tissues, so 26,250,000 men out there wipe spunk off their tummies with Kleenex products. As the average tissue-using male consumes four tissues during cleanup–a conservative estimate–he’ll need 624 tissues per year (3 x 52 = 156 x 4 = 624), which works out to slightly more than five boxes (624 / 124.4 = 5.02). Multiply those 5.02 boxes by 26,250,000 men, and that works out to 131,775,000 boxes of Kleenex per year, just to wipe up all that jizz.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.