Hey, Faggot:

You bioboys think you’ve got problems…

I’m a female-to-male transsexual who, since my accession to sentience, has been wild about boys. For years I tried to be happy as a straight female, but it never worked. I wasn’t a female and I wasn’t straight. What I was, and am, is a guy who is into gay SM/leather as a master/top. I’ve been on testosterone a year and a half and pass as male most of the time, and in daily life my gender is not problematic. I’m small and boyish (think Michael J. Fox), and while I’d like to be taller, lots of big guys get off on being topped by a smaller guy. And since I’m also a drag queen, I like being able to still look good when I go out en femme–which is not reverting to female; I mean drag in corsets and fishnets. Deep down, I think I’m a she-male dominatrix trapped in the body of an FTM tranny.

Here’s my problem. I haven’t been able to afford surgery, having been on disability for five years for CFIDS and cancer. I’m working again now, but saving is difficult, and my insurance, like most, excludes sex reassignment surgery (supposedly some big companies like IBM pay for it, so maybe I should go work for Big Blue). Even if they did, the phalloplasty (weenie surgery) sucks: it gives you a nonerectile, usually nonorgasmic flesh-toned garden hose for the low price of 70 grand.

With the aid of a penis-enlarger pump, this leather-master wannabe has managed to grow himself a two-and-five-eighths-inch dick. I have some hope of being able to afford breast reduction and scrotoplasty (conversion of labia into balls, with testicular implants). But in the foreseeable future, pending advances in genital-reconstruction surgery, I am the proverbial needledick. Now, don’t get me wrong, my mini-dick, aka Little Willy, is a very cute pint-sized version of an uncut dick, head, skin, and all, and in sensitivity and orgasmic capacity is an 11 out of 10. It’s just that, in an SM scene, whipping it out and ordering a slave to worship it is sort of, well, anticlimactic. Friends tell me I shouldn’t let being phallically challenged interfere with my sense of sexual self, but then they are either FTMs who are bottoms or bioboys with standard-issue dongs. At this point, I consider myself bi and enjoy topping sub females–females are much more accepting of physical imperfections. But my primary erotic interest is hot, raunchy, male-male leather sex, and I understand that gay men want a partner with a dick. Hey, I love dicks myself.

Any suggestions or observations you might like to make are welcome.

–Dickless in Frisco

Hey, DIF:

Wow: a female-to-male tranny sadomasochist bisexual dickless drag queen. Just wait till conservative pundits George Will (Newsweek) and John Leo (U.S. News & World Report) hear about you: They’re always harping on the divisiveness of gender and identity politics, on how they pull people apart instead of bringing them together–let’s face it, things were ever so much simpler when men stayed men and women stayed women. In your case, however, gender and identity politics are not pulling you apart; it sounds like they’re all that’s holding you together. Play your cards right and your three-inch clit-to-dick could get you a nice outraged write-up in Newsweek.

On to your problem: You’re an FTM SM top with a strong preference for gay leather sex and gay boys, but you’re stuck topping sub females because you don’t have the standard-issue dong most SM bottom fag-boys like their masters to have….Jesus H. Christ, there isn’t even a simple way to restate your problem. But there is a simple solution: Even if you can’t afford a Frankencock–and you’re right about those sex-reassignment cocks being a waste of money and fatty thigh tissue–who says that the cock that gets worshiped in one of your hot fag leather/SM scenes has to be your own? Many leather/SM relationships are “polyfidelious,” or many-partnered. Hook up with another top, a guy who doesn’t care about your puny equipment, and then the two of you get out there and find yourselves a bottom-boy to love, keep, and order around together. When the time comes in the scene for cock worship to commence, give the order to your bottom-boyfriend-slave to worship your top-boyfriend-master’s cock. And everybody will be happy. Except, of course, for George Will and John Leo.

Note to Geo and Leo: In case you had a hard time following the acronyms and tranny jargon in the above letter–even I had to read it twice–here’s a wee glossary to help you out. This glossary may come in handy if you decide to write a column about how shocked, shocked you were to learn of the existence of SM FTM GMs with CFIDS living in SF:

Tranny: A person who’s changing or has changed their sex. Why? Cuz they got a bug in their ass about it, I guess–what business is it of yours?

FTM: Female to Male.

MTF: Minsk to Finland.

Little Willy: A heartwarming film about a state employee and the trouser whale she frees –er, flees from in a hotel room in Arkansas.

IBM: Itchy Bowel Movements.

Bioboys: Boys born boys, as opposed to girls made boys.

CFIDS: Credulous Flakes & Indulgent Doctors Syndrome.

By the way, Geo and Leo, if you want to do some research into FTMs before you slam them, DIF just happens to publish a newsletter for gay and bi FTMs. It’s called TransFagRag and you can get it c/o Elessar Press, 1259 El Camino Real #151, Menlo Park, CA 94025.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a guy who grew up hiding my TV tendencies. Only in the last few years have I experienced going out in women’s clothing. I can pass and love to dress very revealingly. I was surprised to discover how excited I became when a man hit on me. We ended up in a secluded spot where I blew him. After some soul-searching, I accepted the fact that I enjoyed it and wanted to experience more.

But while men are the majority of people attracted to TVs, I would prefer to build a long-term relationship with a woman. Are there any out there? Am I twisted, or what? –Wild Side

Hey, WS:

Are you twisted? Yes, you certainly are, crumb cake. But your twists could be worse, by which I mean “more complicated.” You could be a female-to-male transsexual sadomasochist dickless drag queen, or you could have CFIDS, or think you have CFIDS, or you could look like George Will. There’s a whole host of other twisty things worse than your relatively simple and straightforward twist: you’re a cross-dressing bisexual guy with hetero leanings–what could be simpler?!

As for finding a mate, you do have two options: Search high and low for a woman whose sexual tastes are compatible with your own–personal ads, TV/TS organizations. If by some miracle you meet a woman with whom you’re emotionally as well as kink-compatible, you’re set. Your second option is to find a woman with whom you’re emotionally compatible, date, fall in love, get married, etc. Then very, very slowly break her the bad news: you’re twisted. Then pray she doesn’t divorce your panty-wearin’ ass. Good luck.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.