Hey, Faggot:

I am a SWM, 35 years old. I have very different orgasms while using a dildo on (in?) myself. The orgasm is more intense, and my ejaculate is more “creamy.” Is this difference anything I should be concerned about? Are there any long-term physical disadvantages to being penetrated anally? Can you give me suggestions on how to introduce this play into my heterosexual encounters without freaking out the woman? –Back Door Open

Hey, BDO:

The prostate gland–just inside a boy’s butt–produces most of the goo that makes up jizz. Slap his prostate around, and a boy is likely to experience a more intense orgasm and will usually squeeze out extra and fresher jizz. And, in your case, if that dildo really gets you going, simple excitement can result in orgasms of greater intensity, as can good old-fashioned conditioned response. As for “long-term physical disadvantages”: If you’re using plenty of lube, taking your time, and being gentle with yourself, you will not spend your sunset years in Depends adult diapers.

The absolute worst way to introduce a partner to anything out of the ordinary is to spring it on her. Initiate discussions–about what turns her on, what turns you on, kinky things you’ve done, kinky things she’s done–prior to getting it on. If she knows you’re a sexual adventurer, a boy with a thing for butt toys, she’ll be less likely to freak when you pull that dildo out.

Hey, Faggot:

We’re a group of breeders sitting around discussing sex. We’re talking about safe food sex: specifically, eggs. Is it possible to successfully insert and expel a chicken egg from your butt or pussy without cracking the shell? We’ve heard tell that eggshells can survive certain stressful situations. None of us wants to try the raw or hard-boiled versions until we know it’s safe, and we figured since you tried the female condom you would certainly try an egg. –Eggcited Breeders

Hey, EB:

If you lazy-ass pack of good-fer-nothin’ breeders think you’re gonna trick me into stuffin’ an egg up my butt in the name of science, you’re off your meds. I’ve paid my dues to butt-science: Regular readers might recall when I gave topical poppers a try a few months back and burned my ass off. Well, I’m older, wiser, and more cautious these days. These days, my research assistant B. Kevin “Beaker” Pasternak does the heavy lifting. But you know what? Kevin’s not here right now, and my deadline approaches. So do it your damn selves. Some pointers: The first rule of hole-stuffin’–butt or puss–is not to put anything in your hole that wasn’t specifically designed for just that purpose, either by a quality sex toy conglomerate (quality dildos, vibrators, buttplugs, etc) or by a benevolent God (fingers, toes, noses, cocks, forearms, carrots, cukes). If you just can’t resist the incredible, edible egg, take a peeled hard-boiled egg (why risk having to pass painful shell shards?), put it in a condom, and insert the egg, leaving the condom hanging out for easy retrieval. Good luck.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 24-year-old married male who has recently owned up to my attraction to men. Incredibly, my wife is turned on by the idea of seeing me with another man. I’m wondering if it is possible for a man to get fucked by another man while lying on his back, face up, as a woman does? My wife says it must be possible. Can I look forward to this intimate position, or is the angle too difficult? Does it feel good?

–Anxiously Waiting

Hey, AW:

Yes, it is possible to buttfuck face-to-face, so you can look forward to this intimate position. Being limber helps, so you might want to start practicing locking your ankles behind your head for 30 or 40 minutes at a go. As for whether this position feels good, well, that’s rather subjective, isn’t it? Some folks like this position, while some find other positions more comfortable. Depends on what works for your butt.

Hey, Faggot:

It all begins with this girlfriend I met since moving to New York. One night after our usual suckfest, she takes out some lube, bends over, and starts doing herself in the butt with her finger. She then looks at me and says how she wants my cock in there. She took my cock in between her cheeks and I was hooked. On our next outing, she says, “It’s my turn to fuck your ass,” and before I have a chance to think about it, she slips two wet fingers in. This changes to a vibrator. It felt incredible. I never came so hard in my life. Does this mean I’m gay? –Curious

Hey, Curious:

Yes, you’re gay. Go join a men’s chorus, sister, it’s all over for you. Remember last week’s column, everybody, the “how’d that happen!?” letters? This is another good example: Before Curious had “a chance to think about it,” his girlfriend stuck not one but two fingers in his ass, which then magically changed into a vibrator. Of course, he didn’t want this, he didn’t ask for it–it just happened!

Now, anyone who’s ever actually had anything up his or her butt knows that it doesn’t happen fast, that there’s lots of time to think it over even as the fingers are going in. Come on, Miss Curious, admit it: You liked it, you wanted it, you got it. Own up to it like a man–a gay man.

Hey, Faggot:

A friend of mine just came out of the closet. I asked him a lot of questions, but he did not answer some of them because he felt uncomfortable. I am curious about gay sex. How do gay men do it? I mean, doesn’t it hurt? If a condom is not used, doesn’t the come leak out? How can you receive any pleasure and orgasm from this?

–Sickly Concerned

Hey, SC:

As we like to say here at Savage Labs, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

Gay men “do it” lots of different ways, many of them similar to the ways straight people “do it.” We have oral sex and anal sex, we masturbate together, and sometimes we masturbate alone. The only thing straight people do that gay people don’t is have vaginal intercourse–the lesbians get our share.

Anal sex hurts if you do it wrong, and as with vaginal intercourse, the insertee may experience discomfort bordering on pain at the start, but this can be overcome with patience and practice. Not all gay men have anal sex, and not all anal sex is had by gay men. There are lots of straight people who have anal sex, and lots of straight people curious about anal sex (see the above letters).

If you don’t use condoms, the come will “leak out,” but come leaks out of vaginas too. And mouths, and armpits, and nostrils, and just about any place you put it–it is a liquid, after all. As for pleasure: well, again, that’s highly subjective. Take eating pussy. Please, take it. My straight male friends swear by it, while I’d rather–well, I know this sounds like I’m exaggerating, but really I’m very serious–die. But I try not to judge how others take their pleasure and obtain their orgasms.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.