This week we got contest prizes.

Recently I hid a quote from a classic Hollywood film in my column and challenged my cinema-savvy readers to identify the quote and send in a letter telling me who said it, in what film, and why it is the greatest movie ever made. Well, hundreds of answers poured in, and now, without further ado, the winners of our first- and last-ever Hollywood Trivia Contest.

“Second prize: a set of steak knives. Third prize: you’re fired.” This quote is from Glengarry Glen Ross. Alec Baldwin said it. It’s the greatest movie ever made because it’s got the greatest dialogue. It also has Al Pacino’s best role ever. Next time, make your contest harder. –R. Scott MacNeil, Chicago, IL

“Second prize: a set of steak knives. Third prize: you’re fired.” 1. Alec Baldwin as the visiting regional manager said it in 2. Glengarry Glen Ross, the greatest movie ever made because 3. The dialogue has such a cold, hard, jazzy rhythm to it that it could only have been written by David Mamet, the world’s greatest writer. –Curtis Lim, San Francisco, CA

As any film novice knows, “Second prize: a set of steak knives. Third prize: you’re fired” was spewed by Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross, the greatest movie ever made because not one member of the cast possessed fallopian tubes! Not an XX in the bunch. –Carter Belleau, Seattle, WA

Guess what? WRONG FUCKING ANSWER! Yeah, I lifted that prize stuff from Glengarry Glen Ross, but did you read the rest of the fucking contest rules, you fucking cocksuckers!? I was looking for a quote from a classic Hollywood film. Is that ’92 potty-mouthed piece of shit a classic fucking Hollywood film? NO, it fucking isn’t.

So, R. Scott, this contest was a little harder than you thought, huh? Curtis, David Mamet can kiss my faggot ass. Carter, as any film novice knows, it can’t be a classic Hollywood film unless it features a screen diva widely impersonated by old-school drag queens. So it has to have at least one XXer to qualify. But don’t feel too fucking bad, you stupid motherfuckers: Glengarry Glen Ross was the most common guess–500 other boys thought this was the right answer too. WELL, YOU’RE ALL FUCKING WRONG.

The quote in your column was “No, Mommy! No, Mommy!” It was said by the actress playing Christina Crawford in Mommie Dearest. It is the greatest movie ever made for two reasons. 1. Joan Crawford. 2. Faye Dunaway. –John Herl, Vancouver, BC

1. The quote? “No, Mommy! No, Mommy!”

2. The movie? Mommie Dearest, of course.

3. Who said it? Christina Crawford.

4. Why is it the greatest movie ever made? Faye Dunaway. –Mike Friedman, San Francisco, CA

“No, Mommy! No, Mommy!” was shrieked by the little blonde-haired girl playing Christina Crawford in Mommie Dearest. It’s the greatest movie ever made because it stresses the importance of not damaging expensive clothing by using cheap wire hangers. –T.S. Sortore, Tacoma, WA

The many hundreds who guessed “No, Mommy! No, Mommy!” as shrieked by Mara Hobel as young Christina in Mommie Dearest (Diana “I am not one of your FANS!” Scarwid played grown-up Christina)–and the one person who guessed Sally Field in Sybil–are confusing their classics. Mommie Dearest (’81) may be a classic, but it is a camp classic. Yes, Miss Dunaway’s portrayal of Miss Crawford is widely admired, but Mommie Dearest is the wrong answer. We are, however, getting much warmer.

The answer to the hidden movie quote contest is: “[she] hardly speaks to me anymore unless it’s to ask for money or poke fun of me in French because I work for a living.” Joan Crawford said it in Mildred Pierce, which is the greatest movie ever made because it features Joan Crawford and Eve Arden–a queen’s dream! –George Iacono, Chicago, IL

I caught the line from Mildred Pierce immediately! Michael Curtiz directed for Warner Brothers, and Crawford got her Oscar for this one. It is definitely number one on my top ten greatest films of all time list, and here’s why:

1. The wonderful Ranald (yes, R-a-n-a-l-d) MacDougall dialogue. “You can go back to your pies, Mildred.” “I never saw you shrink away from a $50 bill because it smelled like grease.” “I’m seeing you for the first time, Veda, and you’re cheap and horrible.”

2. The film noir atmosphere.

3. Excellent ensemble acting: Eve Arden (best supporting actress nominee), Bruce Bennett, Jack Carson, Zachary Scott, Ann Blyth (another supporting actress nominee!), Butterfly McQueen.

I have been watching this movie since I first saw it on Movie Matinee when I was five years old. It is absolutely fabulous! I hope I win a prize! –Stephen Turner, San Francisco, CA

Mildred Pierce is the greatest movie ever made, because it is all a flashback. This way, you know when you are getting close to the end. And you know Mildred won’t stay miserable and poor, because she starts off the movie in that swanky coat.

Mildred also provides an excellent model for dealing with grief. “Didn’t you have two children?” “Kay died.” No muss, no fuss. A good example for people who dwell WAY too much on the little things, like people dying. You don’t see Mildred rewriting the lyrics to “Crocodile Rock” to commemorate Kay’s passing, do you? Mildred just picks herself up and rolls out some more pie crusts. And most importantly Veda, Veda, and more Veda. Need I say more? –Mindy Eades, New York, NY

Correct! I used a quote from Mildred Pierce to describe my relationship with my boyfriend: “he hardly speaks to me anymore unless it’s to ask for money or poke fun of me in French because I work for a living,” the same line Joan Crawford’s Mildred uses to describe her deteriorating relationship with her cheap and horrible daughter, Veda (Ann Blyth). Nearly 53 years after it was made, this classic Hollywood film is still a joy, if only to watch Joan Crawford play a good woman abused and betrayed by her rotten daughter! And with a straight face!

In addition to Mindy, Stephen, and George, three other contestants also sent in the correct answer–Dave Plomin, Larry Greer, and Nick Schneider. They’re all winners, but only one person can take home the grand prize: a carton of Newports (menthol) and a $10 Burger King gift certificate. We put your names in a hat and randomly drew three winners. First prize–the cigs and the burgers–goes to DAVE PLOMIN OF CHICAGO! Congratulations, DAVE! Second prize–a set of steak knives–goes to LARRY GREER OF SAN FRANCISCO! Enjoy your new steak knives, LARRY! And third prize–you’re fired–goes to MINDY EADES OF NEW YORK CITY! Clean out your desk and go home, MINDY!

Thanks to all who took the time to enter our Hollywood Trivia Contest. Next week, back to the sucking and fucking.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.