Hey, Faggot:

I have a fascination with women’s periods. I am a breeder male who did not have any sisters, and growing up I learned what little I know about women from the “experts” at school–my equally misinformed classmates. I have now had several girlfriends, one for quite some time, but she was not forthcoming with information on period etiquette. For reasons that I don’t understand, the smell drives me nuts, and plunging into a hot, bleeding pussy is the ultimate turn-on for me. However, some women are extremely uncomfortable with this. My last girlfriend would not even let me touch her during the event.

My questions: I have never eaten a woman during her period. Is this safe? Can I get some kind of disease, like AIDS, from this? Second, how can I go about convincing my partner (I don’t have one at the moment, unfortunately) that I would like to do this? I would also like to share in the event by changing her tampon. Can you ask your hetero women friends what they think about all of this, and how I should go about raising the issue when I do get a new girlfriend?


Hey, RH:

At your request, I shared your letter with a few of the fascinating hetero women here at Savage Labs, and here’s what they had to say about their fascinating periods:

Janet loves having intercourse during her period. “My sex drive goes up when I’m bleeding, and I want sex more. In my experience, it’s usually the guy who has a problem with it–bloody condoms freak ’em out, I guess.” No one has ever gone down on her during “the event,” and while it doesn’t turn her crank, she might let a guy do it “if he really wanted to.” Incidentally, Janet had a male friend in high school nicknamed “Rag” because he shared your, um, taste in women. “But me and Rag never got it on.”

Donna also enjoys having sex during her period but, unlike Janet, doesn’t feel any more or less horny than usual. “I guess for me it’s like, ‘Why not have sex?’ It’s no reason to, but it’s no reason to avoid sex either. It makes for more lubrication though, which always helps.” Hazel, on the other hand, avoids having sex during her period. “It’s not that I think it’s gross, it’s just that I have a really heavy flow,” and Hazel doesn’t want to accidentally drown anyone.

When it comes to convincing a partner to let you go down on her during her period, all three felt the best approach would be a subtle one. “He should keep his mouth shut,” said Donna. “If he has a girlfriend, she’s going to have periods, so there’s no need to creep her out by explaining in too much detail how you wanna eat her when she’s bleeding. Just eat her out.”

What about letting someone change their tampons? “Well, it would depend, I guess, on the guy–how close we were, how long we’d been together,” said Donna. “I might let him if I felt close to the guy, but I wouldn’t let some guy I hardly knew who just wanted to do it for kicks.” Hazel about spit up at the thought: “No way. It’s not something I enjoy doing myself, so I’m not going to let someone else do it for me, especially some creepy freak getting a boner off it.” Janet wasn’t opposed, but felt it would be awkward. “But,” she added, “I do let my partner take out my cervical cap.” Why? “Because I can’t get at it. My cervix is too deeply set–even my doctor had a hard time. But for some reason my partner can pop it right out, and he’s not the least bit squeamish. He’ll even rinse it for me, and those things are covered with goo.” OK! Uncle already! I’ll talk–just don’t tell me any more! Yikes.

Finally, Rag, of course it isn’t “safe” to go down on a woman during her period! Her “hot bleeding pussy” is bleeding blood, ya moron, which is–hello?–a bodily fluid, and being “safe” mostly means avoiding other people’s bodily fluids. Unless you’re certain your girlfriend does not have HIV and that she isn’t suffering from any other blood-borne illness (such as hepatitis), then lapping up her blood can’t be called “safe,” ya idjit.

Hey, Faggot:

Hi! Here in prison we get a paper you’re in every week, and I just love your column! Keep up the good work! And put a picture of yourself in there sometime soon, perhaps in a naked ballerina pose! (Smile!) I’m writing for your wisdom on a few things, so please print a reply for me!

I am a very shy young man with an overwhelming desire for some no-holes-barred sex with another man. However, I can’t find the words or nerves to approach any of the men I’m attracted to! What do I do?

–Shy & Bi-curious

Hey, S&B:

I thought “no-holes-barred” sex with other men was included with the price of admission, not something a prison inmate would have to work on his social skills to arrange. But hey, for what it’s worth, here are a few prison pickup lines you might find helpful (these worked for me). At mealtime in the cafeteria: “I hear the lobster ravioli with blueberries is excellent tonight.” In the day lounge: “That’s a charming orange jumpsuit you have on. It really flatters you–so slimming.” In the showers–well, if you can’t get yourself some dick in a prison shower you’re past help. Good luck.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a 21-year-old male college student and still a virgin. I like women and am open to everything from a one-night fling to a lasting relationship. I don’t have a problem with sex, just with getting it. I’m nice and fairly smart, but not very attractive or interesting. I read how you advised a virgin near age 40 to go to a “professional.” I would like to try that, but don’t have a clue as to how to go about it. Obviously you can’t be very specific (with the stupid illegality of it and all), but any way you could point me in the right direction would be appreciated.

–Can’t Wait Anymore

Hey, CWA:

Just between us fellas, those “escorts” ads at the back of finer weekly publications–such as the one you’re holding in your hands right now–well, not all of those folks who claim to be escorts are actually in the bidness of “escorting” people around museums or art galleries. Sometimes “escort” is a euphemism, like “powder room” or “donor maintenance.” If you’d like to employ an “escort,” call and make an appointment. Don’t ask how much a blow job is gonna run you; she’ll assume you’re a cop and hang up. Just ask what her hourly rate is–so far as the law is concerned, you’re purchasing companionship, which is not illegal. Make an appointment to meet in a safe, mutually agreeable location–like a hotel room–and do your best not to act creepy when she arrives. She’ll know what you want, and she’ll know what to do. Be respectful, let her lead, use condoms, and tip the lady.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.