Hey, Faggot:

Please tell me I’m not being a bitch about this.

My boyfriend is almost 24 years old and he seems to have a fixation with his penis. He’s always touching it, playing with it, pulling it out of his pants, looking at it, and it seems as though every time he’s in some other room he’s jacking off. I often find myself walking in on him in action whether it be in the kitchen, bathroom, or living room.

We’ve lived with each other for almost two years, and although he’s always seemed to have this thing about his penis, it’s gotten progressively worse. Now sex starts the same way every time: he’ll be in another room jacking off, I’ll be in the bedroom doing whatever, and he’ll come in all turned on and shove his penis in my face. Doesn’t foreplay involve getting the other person stimulated as well? I’ve told him this doesn’t turn me on and lately it’s been really irritating me. I am often left after sex feeling unwanted–and unsexy.

This letter really doesn’t describe the extent of how far out of control I feel this situation has gotten, and although I’ve discussed the way these brief encounters make me feel, I don’t see that a compromise is near. Am I being selfish? Do you have any input as to what I should do? –T.S.M.

Hey, TSM:

Dump him. Or give him an ultimatum: “Listen, honey. You need to get your hands out of your pants, get some therapy, or get the fuck out.” If your description is accurate, your boyfriend’s suffering from some sort of obsessive-compulsive disorder. He needs help.

But just cuz he needs help doesn’t mean you have to put up with his bullshit, or put out when he presents himself to you fully erect and near climax. Enough is enough. If you’ve been tolerating this shit for two or more years, you’re not a bitch, you’re a doormat. You deserve better: foreplay is a right, not a privilege. Throw the bum out.

Hey, Faggot:

What is the secret to making great Toll House cookies? My cookies always come out flat and greasy. –Amateur Cook

Hey, AC:

Flat, greasy Toll House cookies? Sounds like a shortening issue to me. Are you melting your butter? Well don’t! The directions call for “1 stick butter softened.” You soften butter by letting it come to room temperature. But folks in a hurry slam the butter in a pan or throw it in the microwave and melt it, assuming it makes no difference. Ah, but it does! Melting your butter ruins cookies faster than you can say “Piss up my ass.” My friend Becka suggests you use Crisco, which comes soft, in place of butter if you can’t wait for the butter to soften. But I think that’s cheating.

Hey, Faggot:

I have a rather tricky situation on my hands. I’m 25 years old and have a 27-year-old boyfriend. We’ve been dating for almost a year, and I like him a lot. The problem is I have a secret sex life on the side that he doesn’t know about.

I have a Master. He’s from Amsterdam and very handsome–and very wealthy. He only comes to town every three months or so, on business, and while he’s here I’m his total sex slave. I met my “Dutch Master” (ha ha) at a regular bar four years ago. I’d never done kinky sex before I met him. He took me back to his hotel room and kept me there all weekend (with my consent)! I loved it, all of it: being tied up, ordered around, treated like a slut. It just did something to me–it clicked.

When he’s in town I tell my friends and now my boyfriend that I’m going away for a few days. Really, I’m staying at my Dutch Master’s hotel. My friends would die if they knew anything about this four-year thing (my longest relationship ever!), and needless to say, I haven’t told my boyfriend about it.

Now here’s the problem. Before he comes to town he sends me letters with instructions–when he’s going to arrive, what I’m to wear, how long I have to go without masturbating or having an orgasm before he gets here, etc. Well, in his latest letter he said he’s going to pierce my cock on his next trip in early January and put a ring in the head–a Prince Albert–so I will always know he owns my dick, even when he’s not around. He never makes idle threats, so I know he means it.

Sooooo, what do I tell my boyfriend when he asks about the PA I got “visiting my aunt in Pittsburgh” for three days? And what do I tell my friends, some of whom I go to the gym with and are doubtless going to spot it? I’m not the piercing type, and I don’t run with a pierced crowd. My boyfriend has on many occasions expressed disgust for leather and SM and kinky sex in general (for no apparent reason–I never bring it up) and I’m afraid if I tell him about this secret life, he’ll dump me. What do I do?

–Rock and Hard PlaceHey, RAHP:

What do you tell your boyfriend? The truth. If you’re having sex on the side, your boyfriend has a right to know about it. I’m guessing your Dutch Master has other boys in other ports, and a few sklaven around the house back home. I’m surprised you haven’t had to explain a little scabies or pubic lice outbreak before now (or worse–you are being safe with your Dutch Master, aren’t you?), but even so, you’d be well advised to use your impending PA as a conversation starter. Get all those cards on the table. As for your friends, tell them too. Believe me–I’ve been there–they’ll be jealous, impressed, or scandalized. And what’s so terrible about that? Hell, I don’t consider it a good week if I haven’t done at least those three things to a working majority of my friends. They may disapprove, but they’ll have to admire your guts. And how many of them have had a four-year relationship with anything other than a hairdresser or a collection agency?

Lastly, your boyfriend’s unsolicited comments about SM sex may have been his way of sounding you out on the subject. He could very well be interested in exploring kinky sex and simply too ashamed to come right out and admit it. So he broached the subject by making negative comments to see how you would react. Maybe he was hoping you’d say, “SM is fun, have you ever tried it? No? Well, hand me that belt …” So, tell him. If he dumps you, he dumps you. Better sooner than later. But he may not dump you. He may want to tag along on your Dutch Master’s next visit. Enjoy your piercing.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.