Hey, Faggot:

I am in some serious trouble here! I have a really wonderful girlfriend and I’m very much in love with her. We’re also best friends and get along great. The only problem is sex. I know, who doesn’t have problems with sex. But mine is a sad, sad case. She has a most elevated sex drive and mine plummets into reverse. I find her very attractive and get turned on just thinking about her, but every time she wants to make love to me, I’m either too tired from work or just not in the mood.

We’ve talked about it before, and she never gets mad or frustrated with me. I don’t know what to do. I want to make her happy and satisfy her–I really just want to want to fuck. My mind says “Yes, yes, yes!” but my body tells me to go to hell. I desperately need some advice or hints to get my drive in gear! –Hangin’ in Neutral

Hey, HIN:

Lemme get this straight: every time she wants to fuck, you’re either too tired or not in the mood? Every time? And she never gets mad or frustrated? Hmm. Well, she’s either cheating on you, has a great relationship with her vibrator, or is some sort of Latter-day Saint.

But you know what I really think is up with the girlfriend? She’s not letting on. She’s not communicating her frustration with your lack-o-libido, but I’m betting she’s frustrated, buster. Why isn’t she letting on? Who knows. Maybe, stupidly, she wants to spare your feelings, hoping this dry spell will end sooner or later. Or maybe she’s hoping you’ll lose that high-pressure job (do you work for AT&T?), leaving you with more time and energy to devote to her sexual needs.

But you need to look to those needs now and get your ass (and cock, and tongue, and fingers, and brain) in gear. Don’t wait until she’s expressing her frustration before getting motivated, for by then it may very well be too late. If she’s bottling it up–as I suspect she is–she’s not going to say anything until her “frustrations” are balls-out, relationship-busting “resentments.” The first you hear of her dissatisfaction may be the day she announces she’s found someone who can attend to her needs.

Too tired? Fuck in the morning. Work less. Meet at your workplace for midday trysts in the toilet. Not in the mood? Play along for a few minutes and you’ll find yourself getting into the mood. If there’s some other reason you’re “not interested”–you don’t find her sexually attractive, you’re a fag, you’re secretly into fat chicks and she weighs 95 pounds–don’t be cruel and drag this relationship out. Do her a favor and end it.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 36-year-old gay man with a boyfriend problem. He wants sex more often than I do. He doesn’t demand sex, but gets sad and pouty when he doesn’t get it. We have discussed the matter many times. I have reassured him that I find him sexy and I love him. I am just not as horny as he is. I have offered to give him sex on demand, but he doesn’t want just sex, he wants enthusiastic sex. He says that he feels sad and rejected when I am not eager for it too. This is really very frustrating and I do not know what to do. –Not Horny Enough

Hey, NHE:

In this week’s column we have a heartwarming civics lesson: whether we’re gay or straight, the problems we face in our relationships are pretty much the same. We are, at the end of the day, all human beings, all equal, all alike, all God’s chillun’.

But you know what? While the problem here is the same, alert readers may notice that the advice I’m about to give NHE is quite different from the advice I gave HIN. In fact, said alert readers will doubtless accuse me of promoting a double standard. You see, I’m going to let NHE right off the hook on which I just finished hanging HIN.

NHE, if you’re unwilling or unable to match your man’s sex drive, simply give him permission to screw around on the side. Nothing is worse than an unenthusiastic sex partner, nothing is more mortifying than feeling indulged, put up with, or “milked.” So, tell your boyfriend to spread his horniness around. Encourage him to drop by sex clubs or bathhouses, with the fully articulated understanding that he will engage only in the strictest of safe sex (mutual masturbation) on these outings, and douse himself with Elimite or Kwell before hopping back in your bed.

Why the double standard? Well, gay people have sex clubs and bathhouses to drop into for quick, anonymous homo-sex, and breeders (and lesbians living outside of NY or SF) do not have corresponding institutions. It is entirely possible for NHE’s boyfriend to have sex on the side under circumstances that will not threaten his primary relationship. It is not possible for HIN’s girlfriend to do the same: there is no place for straight people to get laid by other straight people who wish to remain completely anonymous. Why this is the case could fill a book, and maybe I’ll write that book someday, but I only have 1,100 or so words available to me at present. As I’m unable to thoroughly dissect this double standard in the space allotted me, I prefer to leave it stand as a simple matter of fact.

Now, straight people: I will brook no whining or moping, nor tolerate angry mail on the unfairness of this double standard. There are so many double standards that favor straight people–marriage, health insurance, adoption, to name but a few–that the existence of this one eensy, weensy double standard that favors gay people hardly tips the scales.

Hey, Faggot:

What is the difference between cocksucking, fellatio, and blow jobs? Thank you for your answer. –Unsigned

Hey, Unsigned:

Thank you for your intelligent question.

Now, pay attention, cuz I’m only gonna go through this once: “cocksucking” is what my boyfriend does; “fellatio” is what my mom does; and “blow jobs” are what my sister gives. Is that clear? Good.

Confidential to Joe G.:

Golly, thanks for the ten bucks. I have to get to the library before I can properly answer your question, which usually takes me a week or two. But rest assured, I’m on the case and will score the info fer ya. You really didn’t need to include ten bucks to get your question answered–the paper does pay me to do this–and I thought about returning the money to you in your SASE, but I was hungry and broke last Friday, so I let you take me to lunch. A yummy Cobb salad and a Coke at a delightful dyke-owned restaurant–delicious. Thanks, pal.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.