Hey, Faggot:

Most of the sexual experiences I’ve had have been initiated by the woman. When I meet someone and I start to groove on them and we hang out and this and that, I have a hard time making a move. I just don’t know when to do it. I’ve had women tell me after the fact that they felt I didn’t like them and felt hurt that I didn’t make a move. Others have said that I was too aggressive! So I’m confused and I’d like a little guidance in the fine art of seduction.

–Waiting to Unleash My Hormones


When you feel that groove kick in, when you get that love-is-in-the-air buzz, make your move.

Now, by “make your move” I do not mean grab her ass, grab her tits, try to kiss her or hug her or stick your tongue in her mouth or drop your pants or any of that physical stuff so many people are convinced make up “the moves.” No: the moves are telling her how you’re feeling and inquiring as to whether the feelings are mutual. Ask, and ask sexy. Say, “Can I kiss you?” or “I’m feeling kinda like we oughta take off all our clothes, grind our genitals together for 20 or so minutes, then hop in the shower for a rinse and some cunnilingus, then jump back in bed, eat some Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, and then maybe have another go at it. How are you feeling?”

That people who are “good” at sex and seduction just “know” when to lean over and kiss someone and don’t need to, as day-care workers like to say to five-year-olds, “use their words” is a bullshit misconception we pick up watching movies and television. Unexpected kisses usually (not always) backfire, while a smoldering “Can I kiss you?” is just as sexy as a sudden kiss, a whole hell of a lot safer, and you don’t have to wait till you’re positive you’ve got a groove going on to make your move. Since it’s only a question and not a kiss, you can ask when you merely suspect.

Lastly, guys who, like you, hear “too passive” from girl A and “too aggressive” from girl B are probably guilty of letting opportunity pass them by with A and then turning around and overcompensating with B. Are you with me? With A you wait too long to make your move for fear of misreading signals or embarrassing yourself or rushing things, and the groove begins and ends before you work up the courage to do anything about it–these are the women who felt you didn’t “like” them. With B you thought, “I waited too long last time so I’m going to go for it,” and lunge too soon or too unexpectedly–these are the women who felt you were too aggressive.

Ask! Women who want it will say, “Yes! Kiss me already, you asshole!” The ones who don’t will say, “Not yet,” or “Never.” But at least you’ll know, and you won’t live your life wondering, or letting those golden chances pass you by, never, never to know how she loves you, if she loves you, etc. Good luck.

Hey, Faggot:

Recently my boyfriend has been putting ice in my vagina during sex. It is most pleasurable for both of us. I am wondering if there’s any danger to this. Is there danger of contamination with something? We use the kind of ice you buy in bags at the grocery store, if that makes a difference. The bags say “Party Ice” on the side, so perhaps that implies an intended use? –Catherine

Hey, Catherine:

What is ice? Ice is water. Can you put small amounts of water in your vagina? Sure you can. Can you put small amounts of ice in your vagina? Sure you can. As long as he refrains from packing you full of ice (limit him to one or two cubes at a time–it’s a twat, not a Sno-Kone) you should be just fine.

And while you’re popping cubes in orifices, why not slide a few up his ass? I did it to a boyfriend once, and he found the sensation not without merit. Give it a whirl.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 27-year-old female, and I need some advice on something that has been bothering me. I met my boyfriend while visiting Atlanta on vacation. Our sex life is healthy with the exception of him getting a limp dick every now and again–I know that’s normal, Dan.

One day my boyfriend brought up the fact that he decided to ask a guy out he knew was gay. My boyfriend is very open and into experimenting, so this type of thing wasn’t totally out of character. He said all they did was meet for beers, and they talked about the fact that he was just experimenting. He assured me all they did was hold hands, and the guy gave him a kiss good night. I think it’s pretty cool of him to experiment, but for some reason I can’t get over the fact that he may be repressing some homosexual feelings. I mean, is he gay? He is Catholic and says that not only is he not into the idea of being with a man, he thinks it is morally wrong. A lot of gay men come on to him, in fact a good friend of his expressed interest in a sexual relationship.

Do you see a pattern? I feel like I should drop it, but I feel my female sixth sense taking over. My biggest fear is that down the line he will decide to experiment again, and this time he’ll like it. Help! I’m thinking about marrying this guy! –Concerned

PS: I hope I don’t come across as a homophobe. Some of my greatest pals are gay. I just want to marry a nice straight boy who wants oodles and oodles of kids and can’t keep his hands off me.

Hey, C:

Listen to that sixth sense of yours, girlfriend, it’s giving you the shit. Sexual orientation is not a choice–men are not straight cuz they think being gay is “morally wrong,” they’re straight cuz they wanna, gotta, fuck women. There are homosexual men who believe being gay is wrong, men who deny their sexuality, identify as straight, and live–to varying degrees of success–as heterosexuals. These straight-identified homosexual men comprise a hefty percentage, if not the majority in some locales, of the guys lurking around truck stops, ducking under bushes for quick blow jobs from strangers, and patronizing bathhouses. Without straight-identified homos, escort services all over America would go belly-up.

What your boyfriend, as a Catholic, was taught to believe about homosexuality (no, no!) is in conflict with what his heart is telling him about homosexuality (yes, yes!). Hence his half-assed, qualified rationalizations around the “experimentation” he’s been up to. I mean, come on: if homosexuality is wrong, what on earth does he think going out on same-sex dates, same-sex hand-holding, and same-sex kissing are? At what point does same-sex eroticism magically become “wrong”? Everything you’ve described is cliche closet-case stuff. He’s playing games: “OK, if I promise not to suck dick, I can go out on a date.” It’s a slippery slope–little rationalizations are followed by larger ones: “Okay, I can suck dick, but only if I don’t know the guy’s name and I’m never going to see him again.” Sooner or later he’ll come out. In your shoes, would I marry this guy? Absolutely not.

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