Hey, Faggot:

My girlfriend is 30 and the veteran of a couple of difficult but intense sexual relationships, each lasting more than three years. She is a very sexual person by nature, in a very healthy way. I’m in my mid-20s, fairly inexperienced sexually, and fairly well-endowed. Okay, extremely well-endowed–and therein lies the problem.

My girlfriend is an extremely petite woman, scarcely five feet tall. Everything else is proportional. Put bluntly, I do not fit. There is an extremely painful ripping of her vagina when we have intercourse, which as a consequence has not been often. Despite our best, most heavily lubricated efforts, we seem to be making little progress.

I am what I consider an extremely passionate person: sex is awesome, but it’s not necessarily about penetration. Despite my attachment to intercourse, I would be willing to forgo it to stay with this woman. Unfortunately, she may not be willing to do the same. I want this to work more than anything I’ve ever wanted, and I think she feels the same. However, I will not settle for satisfying 90 percent of her needs, and coming up short on the other 10 percent. I’m afraid I’m falling in love with someone I may have to walk away from for both our sakes.

Any advice would be graciously appreciated.

–Too Much of a Good Thing


I got in touch with two experts on your behalf: Marcy Bloom of the Aradia Women’s Health Center in Seattle, and Nancy Jordyce, an Ob/Gyn in private practice in the lovely state of New Mexico.

Bloom had this to say: “It could be a physical concern or a counseling concern.” If it’s a counseling concern, the rap goes like this: “How vigorous is their sexual activity? Are they using a gradual buildup with appropriate amounts of lubrication? His letter makes it sound like they are communicating, but are they taking their time, putting the penis in slowly and gradually?”

If it’s a physical problem: “There are surgical procedures, but they’re drastic. Any surgical procedure should be viewed as a last resort,” says Bloom. Regardless, Bloom recommends that, as a first step toward solving the problem, your girlfriend go in for a gynecological assessment, which is where our next guest expert comes in.

Dr. Jordyce told me your girlfriend’s problem might be that her vaginal opening is too small, possibly because her hymen is still partially intact. If that’s the case, “a relatively simple hymenectomy would clear the problem right up.”

“But,” the doctor continued, “if this woman was born with a vagina that is small due to a birth defect–cervix too low, etc)–then reconstructive surgery is needed, based, of course, on the defect. She should go see a gynecologist.”

When I asked Bloom if the problem could simply be that you have a big penis and your girlfriend has a small vagina, she said: “When people talk about small vaginas and big penises, what does that mean? That she’s five feet tall is irrelevant. Ten- and 12-pound babies come out of vaginas! It’s extra rare that men don’t fit into women’s vaginas. They’re just in need of further advice from skilled health-care providers–including mental-health providers.” Go get some.

Hey, Faggot:

Help! I am a 23-year-old bisexual female who is mad about a straight female, 31–my former employer’s daughter. I wrote her a letter confessing my affection and desire, and she called me two days later telling me she was really not interested, not to call her or write her again. I am not convinced she’s totally disinterested. I want to write her again and find out for sure what’s up! Should I? She is so hot! –Mad About Blonde

Hey, MAB:

Should you write her again? Absolutely not. Folks who hound people they’re attracted to only “get the girl” at the end of movies, dipshit. Hollywood packages this bad behavior as romance: think of all the films and TV shows about the gradual blossoming of romance due to the near-psychotic persistence of an unshakable suitor. Unstable people consume these fictions and come to believe that what works for Tom Cruise or the Baldwins or Brad Pitt will work for them.

Well, it won’t. You ain’t Brad Pitt and this ain’t romance–it’s real life. Stalking this woman won’t get you into her pants, and it may very well get you in deep shit with the law–contacting someone who’s asked you to leave them alone is harassment. If she has a change of heart and decides she can’t live without stupid you, she’ll get in touch. In the meantime, leave her the fuck alone. And remember: outside of the movies, no one is in the least bit attracted to obsessive-compulsive psychopaths.

Hey, Faggot:

I’ve been in love with the same lady for five years. We fell in love the moment we met. We’ve always had great sex, never had any problems. We fit together like gloves. Everybody remarks on what a great couple we make. She is now reaching her 30s, and I am reaching my mid-30s.

The problem? I want to get married, but she still wants to “chase the dream.” Recently she moved out west as a “temporary” career move. She told me she was “thinking” about marriage but still wanted to live the “jet set” life for a little while longer–I burnt out on that scene long ago. However, I’m not a stick in the mud. I can still rock. We talk on the phone every other day or so, and she sounds like she misses me. Am I fooling myself? Should I be looking for someone who has found what she wants from life and is happy with it, or should I wait this one out? I was burned once before in a similar situation. I don’t want to be burned again. –Don’t Wanna Be Nobody’s Fool


She’s hedging her bets. She’s keeping you on hold while she sorts out whether marriage, and everything that comes along with it (like, say, you), is what she wants. Call her and tell her you support her explorations, and you honestly believe she should chase that dream, jet those sets, etc, etc, so that when or if she decides to settle down, she’ll feel good about the decision and won’t spend the rest of her life with you wondering what might have been.

Then tell her that while she’s out there chasing down dreams you need to break it off. Say, “We can stay in touch, but someone might come along who wants the things I want and wants them now. But if, because you can’t make up your mind, I’m still in this committed-but-on-hiatus relationship when that someone comes along, my dream might pass me by.” Then add, “If I’m still free when and if you decide to settle down, I’m all yours.”

Are you pressuring her? Yeah, a little bit. But so what? She can’t have it her way all the time. If she doesn’t want what you want–if she doesn’t want you–she needs to cut you loose. Good luck.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.