Hey, Faggot:

I know this is going to sound like I don’t have a problem, but I’m worried about what my boyfriend might think.

I’m not sure exactly how it happened (he and I had been drinking, so I guess I wasn’t paying much attention at first), but while we were making quite passionate love, all of a sudden I realized we were having anal sex. It wasn’t rape or anything–I was on top! It was great. I had a wonderful orgasm, and “Todd” did too. The thing is, I don’t know if he remembers: he is the last person in the world I would expect to want to have anal sex. I really want to try this again sober, but knowing him, sober he might think it was dirty or slutty. Should I forget about this and fondly remember the “accident”? How can I approach him without scaring him away?

–Kinda Kinky

Hey, KK:

The boyfriend knows what happened. Maybe he’s convinced himself that, since you were so drunk, you have no idea what happened. Ass and pussy are very different sensations, and any guy too drunk to tell the difference is too drunk to get it up. So he knows. There’s probably a letter from him in my stack of unopened mail asking how to approach you: “My girlfriend was so drunk, she had no idea I was fucking her in the ass. She’s the last person in the world who would want to have anal sex. How do I tell her?” Whether he’ll be into a repeat, I can’t say. You’ll either have to ask him yourself or send me his phone number and I’ll ask him for you. Or, hey, you could just slip his dick back in your ass next time you want to have butt sex. Then, while he’s fucking your butt, ask him what he thinks of anal sex. If he acts disgusted by the idea, look him deep in the eyes as he’s fucking you in the ass and say, “But honey, you’re fucking my ass right now.”

Hey, Faggot:

I have been entertaining having anal sex, without a condom, with my girlfriend. However, I would like your advice on the following:

1. How come in all those pornographic anal-penetration movies, the penis always comes out “clean,” with no fecal matter smeared on it? What’s the secret?

2. When a man and a woman engage in anal sex without condoms, what is the risk of the man getting an infection, and what type, if any?

3. How about giving your partner a deep “rim job”?

Any related information on the matter, or references for more information, are welcome. –LCB

Hey, LCB:

1. The secret is making sure your bowels, or the bowels you’re buggering, are good and empty before the buggering commences. Some lucky folks have a sixth sense about when they’re “clean.” Lesser mortals may have to take an extra-credit dump or opt for a quick enema or anal douche. Poop-smeared dicks caught on video during porno shoots doubtless wind up on the cutting-room floor with the cunt farts, blow-job-induced retching, stray pubic hairs, etc.

2. If the woman you’re butt fucking sans condom has a sexually transmitted disease–rectal gonorrhea, nongonococcal urethritis, syphilis, herpes, warts, HIV–odds are good to pretty good you’ll have it too by the time you pull out. If you have any doubts about your partner’s health or rectitude, use a condom. And, hey, there’s an added bonus to condom use: if your dick is smeared with feces when you pull it out of her ass, the shit will be on the condom, not on your dick. Lift the base of the condom off your dick, slowly turn it inside out, and voila! Clean dick!

3. How about rimming? Well, it’s no first-date/mystery-date activity. Add hepatitis, intestinal parasites, E. coli, and other bugs to the list of STDs you have to worry about.

A good reference book for beginning butt fuckers is Dr. Jack Morin’s Anal Pleasure and Health, also known as the “butt fucker’s bible.” If an adult bookstore near you doesn’t stock it, try your local gay and lesbian bookstore. Or you can order a copy by sending $12.50, plus $3.50 shipping and handling, to Down There Press, 938 Howard St., San Francisco CA 94103.

Hey, Faggot:

I am an Anglo breeder female. In several years of perusing my boyfriends’ skin magazines, I have noticed that on the relatively rare occasions they show a woman’s anus (always blond, Anglo anuses), the skin around the anus is invariably either pink–the same color as the rest of her skin–or an infinitesimally darker flesh color. I, on the other hand, have quite noticeably darker skin around the anus, which is itself pink. Questions:

1. Am I unusual?

2. Are the models airbrushed or lightened?

3. Or, perhaps, do only people with that look apply, or are accepted, for the modeling jobs?

4. What percentage of Anglos have the darker anal skin, and what percentage look like the models? –In the Dark

PS: All my boyfriends are non-Caucasian, so I can’t tell by looking at them.

Hey, ITD:

1. You’re a freak.

2. Where did you ever get such an idea?

3. Maybe, I mean, I guess it could be that.

4. How the hell should I know? Am I supposed to pants all the white people in the office?

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 24-year-old heterosexual female. I do my best to practice safe sex, and I have remained STD-free so far.

I enjoy anal sex very much, though I understand it is a very risky type of sex. My question is, how risky is anal sex with a condom and lubricant in regards to STDs? Is it more or less dangerous than vaginal intercourse without a condom? Thanks. –Likes Her Backdoor Man

Hey, LHBM:

Because butts are, generally speaking, tighter than twats, butt sex is tougher on condoms: condoms are likelier to break during rigorous butt fucking than during equally rigorous twat fucking. Consequently, protected anal sex does carry slightly higher STD risks than protected twat fucking–it’s protected sex, remember, not fail-safe sex. If your partner has HIV, syph, or any of the rest of the claps, a broken condom in either orifice could ruin, or significantly shorten, your life.

But, my fellow butt fuckers, a little extra vigilance is all that’s required to negate the slightly elevated risks of condom failure. You see, very often it’s not the condom that fails us, but we who fail the condom. Use stronger latex condoms for butt fucking (sheepskin condoms will not protect you from the virus), take care to keep the butt being fucked well-lubricated, and check periodically to make sure the condom is still on and still in one piece. After you or your partner comes, grip the base of the condom while you pull Mr. Dick out, in order to avoid a spill.

It should go without saying that anal sex with condoms is less dangerous than vaginal sex without condoms. I mean, c’mon, LHBM, given the choice between having a man with HIV come in a condom (in your ass) or come in you, which would you choose?

I’d like to dedicate the above column to my mother, Judy, who called to point out that it had been a long time since I’d written “one of those awful columns all about anal sex.”

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.